Project Overview: Untitled Document is a serial comedy novel dealing with the sort of topics that we so frequently make fun of here at Something Awful.

This Chapter: The alien invasion seems to be winding down but a second wind may be inbound, strange broadcasts on the radio and TV are turning normal people into zombie-like killers, and Dale McElroy is about to experience the war on terror first hand. Everyone's favorite lesbian fascist doesn't put in an appearance in this chapter, which I am sure will sadden many readers, but I promise she will return next week as sassy as ever. In the meantime, try to sit back and enjoy the continuing saga of Untitled Document!

The voice was a woman's, precisely cadenced and with a strange mechanical filtering or compression slightly audible.

"Sieben acht acht neun vier neun vier drei null null null null sieben acht acht neun vier neun vier drei null null null kennzeichnung Reiher."

The voice could be heard across the United States on every radio frequency and on every television channel. Telephones rang and those who answered heard the voice on the other end. It repeated itself, over and over, for three hours.

"Sieben acht acht neun vier neun vier drei null null null null sieben acht acht neun vier neun vier drei null null null kennzeichnung Reiher."

In years to come the anonymous voice would be known as the "siren", calling to hundreds of thousands who did not know they were being called. They woke up in the morning, rubbed the sleep from their eyes, and turned on the television to see the local weatherman looking confusedly around while a woman spoke in German over his audio feed. A few minutes later, maybe after they turned the TV off with annoyance or fear, they felt a tingling in their arms and legs and then a jolt ran through them like electric fire in their veins.

Mrs. Hooper of Terrace Grove, Illinois became #4223 of Sleeper Regiment #6. She got in her car and had a pleasant drive to her pre-assigned materiel disbursement center in Gary, Indiana. There she was handed a Soviet made RPG launcher and three rounds of ammunition and given her orders by subliminal film to proceed to suburban Chicago and engage the enemy. The movie was "Airport '76", although only eyewitnesses of the strange process and not the sleepers themselves would ever recall this. Mrs. Hooper would go on to get a clean hit with her RPG-7 on the shin armor of an Imperatrixian before being decapitated by return fire. An eleven year old girl named Kylie Waters, also of Regiment #6, would rack up an unparalleled three kills and finish off the last Imperatrixian operating in the Chicago combat region.


The withering crossfire between the assaulting Imperatrixians and the besieged human females had kicked up so much concrete dust from the walls of the tunnel that Axion's matte black armor had turned gray. As he strode away from the battle line at the behest of his communications officer he could feel the grit grinding in the interlocking joints of his power suit. Maximillian had called him urgently. This meant walking up almost a kilometer of tunnel to the orbital transmitter on the surface while the remnants of his best troops gathered for the final assault.

The humans were extremely tenacious. Though their weapons and bodies were weak, their lives were given so readily in combat that they had nearly choked the Code Enforcement operation. Axion had expected failure when he had learned the population of the human world exceeded six billion. He had flicker-paged through several volumes of xeno-anthropology on the humans and knew that their species was one of the most martially inclined the Imperatrixians had ever encountered. Even if they were using spears and rocks - which they most plainly were not - their sheer numbers were an insurmountable problem for such a small force.

More Features / Articles

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2024 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful