The Vein: The anticipation is really building in here Hank, I haven’t seen a stadium this packed since the Reanimated Corpse of the Right Reverend Sun Myung Moon visited the Mormon colonists on Port Joe Smith for a mass-wedding.
Haymaker: And what a beautiful ceremony that was, Zane - right up until the arachnids showed up to disembowel everyone and feast on their sweet, gooey innards. Now let’s throw it over to the Super Hubble Fight Cam:
The Vein: I haven’t seen a grown man sweat like this since William Shatner performed the forbidden fan dance for Padishah Emperor Shaddam IV to communicate his interdimensional death sentence after accidentally pulling off the Emperor’s toupee during a Cosmic-Con celebrity panel, Hank.
Haymaker: Both of these combatants have trained for years in muy thai, oh mai, ju-jitsu, kung fu, kung jitsu, ju fu, jew fro, egg foo young, kickboxing, and especially stooge kwan do:
Haymaker: Brilliant parry of that Saturnian Spinning Nerve Hold, with a Plastic Bag Soda Strangle and what looks like a variation on a Stinging Otter Fist.
The Vein: This fight is really showing off the difference between having 60% of your skeleton replaced with solid titanium versus just being some average guy hitting the gym twice a week, which is apparently not much at all.
Haymaker: I’ll tell you what Vein, Johnny has got to be feeling good about going against the crowd and not buying the cyber-enhancement that makes his head cave in like an old coal mine at the slightest bit of pressure, that’s definitely paying off in this bout so far.
The Vein: He’s really showing us what a fighter motivated by extra-terrestial kidnapping can do.
Haymaker: Ouch! That’s gonna output some serious pain signals in the morning, Zane.
The Vein: Those classic Liu Kang compression shorts are great for bicycle kicking, but damn if they don’t leave you weak in the knees, Hank.
Haymaker: Right you-wait a minute Zane, what’s this?! A surprise third contender is entering the ring to intervene in this fight! What’s that he’s holding?
The Vein: I have never seen a thing like this in the history of transhuman death sports, Hank - one of the contenders’ overzealous financial backers has decided to change the outcome of this fight by way of gun.
Haymaker: What a stupendous display of superlative scrapping Zane, but eventually the space bloodlust gets to even the best of us. Dr. Strangelove III Jr. Sr. has taken matters into his own hands, and decided to make his contender Number One With a Bullet.
The Vein: Who would’ve thought that a tournament entirely dependent on kidnapping, murder, and extremely sweaty 1980s style rape scenes could possibly end up with such a violent and unpleasant outcome, Hank?
Haymaker: A sad day for involuntary death sports around the world, Zane, but we shouldn’t let a single case of murder spoil what was a fantastic feast of fights. That’s all from us tonight in Neo-Manila folks, we'll throw it back to the instant replay for those of you just tuning in:
|Music / Sound||-8|
Extremely proud over here! The bosses took notice and I have been promoted to 20 cages!!
Mr. Sakurai-sama, where the FRICK is Dino Riki!?
Are there arrows in Tomb Raider? "No. Absolutely not."
Something Awful reviews the absolute worst movies out there. We focus mostly on horror and science fiction, because all writers here on Something Awful are huge nerds.