Delivery Drivers

OPEN UP. PIZZA DELIVERY. LAST WARNING. PIZZA DELIVERY. OPEN UP!! Good evening sir. You're the one who called in this pizza? Slow down there, chief, we'll get to the pizza. First I'm going to need some identification. Heh. Shaved the mustache I see. You won't mind if I step in. Nice place you got here; looks expensive. Whoa, you married that? Lucky man. Cute kids, too. Look at you. So. What's a guy gotta do to get a cup of coffee, huh? RELAX. I told you, the pizza will be taken care of in due time. I'm gonna need backup here, we've got a troublemaker on our hands.

Plumbers

What seems to be the issue with your pipes huh? What have you been doing to these pipes? You doing funny stuff with these pipes? Sit the fuck down. Don't take that tone with me. I'm just here to help, sir. Now let's try that again, this time without the attitude. I'm gonna need backup here, we've got a troublemaker on our hands. Don't move a fucking muscle. I'm trying to help here sir, I really am. I know you just want your toilet to work, and trust me, I'll be getting to the bottom of this. Oh good, Big Phil's here. Watch this one closely Big Phil, he's being belligerent. Tony, you made it just in time. Tony, stand behind him and make sure he doesn't get any bright ideas while I take a look at these pipes. Papa Paul, thanks for coming to our aide. This could be a messy situation so keep your wrench out just in case. Giant Gus, better late than never! Watch the door Giant Gus, let him know he's not checking out early.

Grocery Clerks

Ma'am do you know why I'm shredding this coupon you gave me? I'm asking you a question. No, you're guessing. Think about it for a minute. You can do it. No, I'm denying you this discount because you failed to follow the rules, ma'am. We have these rubber dividers for a reason ma'am, to keep order. Without them, society crumbles into chaos. Do you want to live in chaos, ma'am? Don't take that tone with me, STEP BACK ma'am. I'm gonna need backup here, we've got a troublemaker on our hands. Yes, I know there was no one behind you in line ma'am, that's not the point. The point is that you decided you wanted to live in anarchy, and - I'M THE ONE TALKING - congratulations, you just forfeit your tomatoes. Big Phil, see them escorted out.

Doctors

What's that? COVID-19, huh? Yeah, I've heard that one before. You sure you weren't asking to get infected? What were you wearing the day you got infected? I bet you were walking around with a big oversized t-shirt that read "COUGH ON ME" while sticking your face in the proximity of every mouth hole you could. You look the type. I'm gonna need backup here, we've got a troublemaker on our hands. You know it's bitches like you that get innocent folks in trouble. I have a friend who was once accused of giving someone COVID-19, they claimed he "didn't wear a mask and coughed on them in public" when he was out grocery shopping one day. But did they even consider her role in that? She shouldn't have been grocery shopping in that same aisle if she didn't want to get infected. Ridiculous. Oh. Right, your "infection." Tell ya what, I'll write all about your little "infection" on my clipboard here, and we'll get back to you as soon as possible.



Drive Thru Workers

Excuse me? You want to run that by me again? Missing nuggets? Never in my entire career have I seen a nugget go missing. My team here are the most professional nugget baggers you'll see in your lifetime. Did you hear that boys? This lady thinks we stole her nugget! Did you perhaps consider your own role in this disappearance? Did your bag have any conditions you may have put it through, such as a torn hole for the nugget to fall through? Or maybe you ate it, and are just looking for a free ride to nugg town? Is that it? You looking for a free ride? Always looking for a way to get something for nothing? I'm gonna need backup here, we've got a troublemaker on our hands. You sicken me. You sit there and disgrace my career with your slander, and you wonder why we spit in your milkshake. Go ahead, write in your silly little complaint. Big Phil behind you will make sure you're taken care of.

Receptionists

Dave speaking, what do you need? What's so important that you need me to bother the Manager? You can take it up with me right here, right now. Calm yourself, don't get your panties in a twist. What's your full name? What's your address? No, I just need this information to transfer your call, miss. I'm gonna need backup here, we've got a troublemaker on our hands. I'm also gonna need your social security number and a photo of your first-born child. DO NOT question me, I've been a receptionist here for 20 years, you have about 10 seconds to check your attitude, m'am. All just normal protocol. What's your mother's maiden name, m'am? What's your greatest fear? YOU ARE BEING UNCOOPERATIVE, I'm just trying to get your call transferred, miss.

Film Crew

*Passing by mirror* Who the fuck do you think you are filming me like that? Drop the camera, sir! I'm gonna need backup here, we've got a troublemaker on our hands. I SAID DROP THE CAMERA. *Rapidly starts firing* Oh good, you came just in time, Big Phil. OPEN FIRE. THEY'VE GOT A GUN. *Doubled rapid firing continues*

Who the hell do you think you are, reading gray box text like that? You have about 5 seconds to bail out some protestors or join the forums before I make an example out of you. Get out of my sight.

– Nick Lives (@slicknicklives)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.

  • DEAR FURRIES: WE WERE WRONG

    DEAR FURRIES: WE WERE WRONG

    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2020 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.