When I was about 12 or so, and discovered the wonders of internet porn, I realized that deleting cookies, erasing history, etc would be a wise course of action. One day, my vigilance slipped, and my parents read the cookie history.

Being called "Hey, Porn King!" by one's father at the age of 13 for a span of months is not very fun.


My mom is a psychotic Christian (nearing fundamentalist with each passing day) with a proclivity to denounce anything that isn't in direct agreement with her view of the world. As a result, the first 18 years of my life living under her roof have been interesting ones to say the least. Now, aside from all the proselytizing I've received growing up, there has also been the obligatory sexual self-discovery gone horribly wrong under her watch.

I guess it all started when I was 11 or 12 or so. My mom had placed the computer in the "family room" to ensure that I wouldn't surf for porn or see any of the other horrors of the internet.

Fortunately, or unfortunately, I did.

Late at night, after the entire family had gone to sleep, I would sneak into the family room, log onto my computer, and click away to my heart's content. I was fairly adept at surfing the internet by this point, and was just discovering my feelings for the opposite sex. Anyways, one night I discovered this website which contained screensavers of beautiful, naked women, doing bad things to themselves for the camera. I decided to download it, opened it, gawked at the pictures, and that was the last of it.

Or so I thought.

One dark afternoon, as I was returning from tennis lessons with my kid sister (keep in mind I was 12 at this time), I opened the front door to be greeted by a blonde girl with size D tits spread-eagled across my expensive 21 inch computer screen. And my mom was on her own computer, 3 feet away from my own, working away like nothing in the world was wrong. I ran over as fast as my pre-pubescent legs could carry me, hit the power button, and walked to my room in shame. On my bed, there was a note written in blood-red ink:

If I ever catch you looking at porn again, I will punish you severely. - Mom

Next to that note was a fresh copy of The Holy Bible. This was fairly typical for her; instead of yelling at me or punishing me directly, she would mindfuck me in the worst way possible.


I was hanging out with my girlfriend and another of our friends at her place. We where on the sofa with my girlfriend on my lap and I was tickling her. My girlfriend grabbed my hands and had the other girl tickle my sides. This started the basic tickle war. I had just got my girlfriend off my lap and pulled the other girl across it and was giving her a light spanking for attacking me while I was defenseless when my girlfriends step dad walked in sits in his chair and looks lover and says "Don't stop on account of me. I have done it all or at least thought about it" like some kind of orgy was going to happen there. That quickly killed our fun. At first I thought he did it to prevent things from going to far but now I know the truth. He had a crush on his step daughter and that is why he is in jail and she went to a mental hospital.


My mother kicked my father out when I was 7. It was in the morning before school, and my brother and I were eating our breakfasts to the sound of our parents yelling at each other (a common occurrence at the time). I slowly realize my father has a suitcase and is leaving to stay with his brother. As my father leaves the house towards his '87 Chevy Blazer, my mother yells "And take your farts with you!"

When I was about 11 my mom told me I wasn't planned. She wasn't angry she told me in a matter of fact way, during a casual conversation we were having.

At 12 my mother told me she had an abortion not long after I was born.

When I was 13 my mom made me watch the movie Crash http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0115964/ because she didn't want to watch it alone.

At 14 my mother mentioned that they were involved with Columbians during the eighties. For reasons that needn't be mentioned.

Also at 14 my mother mentioned being with an "open marriage" crowd during a period that occurred before I was born.

At 16 my mother tells me she may have freebased when she first became pregnant with me, among other things, and "ha ha, the doctor said you looked like you were going through withdrawals".

More Comedy Goldmine

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.

  • BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.

About This Column

The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.

Previous Articles

Suggested Articles

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.