About six months earlier, a different buddy of mine had a female cousin visiting from out of town, and was really determined to show her a good time. He's a pretty straight-laced, religious chap (to complement my godless demeanor), and off-handedly mentioned that his cousin was a devout catholic, but he thought we'd all go to a bar/lounge anyway since there wasn't much else to do in Colorado on a Saturday evening. I was fairly young and pretty impatient, so I wasn't really happy about having to spend an evening trying to make conversation and entertain boring people.
Anyway, I called one of my regular spots and reserved us a table and met them a few hours later after I finished a business meeting. When I got there, they were already knocking back some drinks and talking about church, etc...but the cousin was HOTT, so I decided to weather the conversation.
A couple hours later, my friend announced that he had to leave to pick up this ugly girl that he was fucking at the time, and asked if I would be cool hanging out with his cousin until he got back. I was nice and toasty from a combination of Belvedere-tonic's and cursed Chartreuse, so I obliged. He wasn't gone two minutes when she leaned over and started making out with me in the middle of the bar (it was a low key, upscale place and I knew the owner very well (a story for another time...she had a thing for me...but I don't go out with cokeheads), so this incident subsequently caused me some measure of embarrassment at a later date).
Five minutes later, my buddy's cousin whispers into my ear, "Can we go back to your place now?" Me: "I live 30-40 minutes from here." Her: "I don't care, can we just go?"
So off we went. My buddy called me as I was getting home and said that he wouldn't have a problem picking her up at my house, but he was going to go over to his girl's house first. Accordingly, I assumed that we had plenty of time to get down to business (cue foreshadowing). We went into my bedroom and turned up the stereo and proceeded to have some pretty intense sex. Since I lived alone at the time, I didn't see much reason to close my bedroom door, so I left it open about halfway so that it wouldn't get stuffy in the room.
As we went at it for the second time, she was on all fours facing the door and I was pounding away at her from behind. Of course, as we neared completion, my friend opened the door and got a nice full-frontal view of the moment. He quickly closed the door and yelled through it, "Sorry...I should have called to tell you that I decided not to go over to my girl's place. And the music is up really loud...I didn't know that you guys were...you know...in there...!"
We were still pretty twisted from the bar, so she got over the embarrassment pretty quickly and we finished up. As she was getting dressed she said nonchalantly, "Not bad for my first time, eh?"
I just sat there a little dumbfounded before my buddy knocked on the door and said to his cousin, "Are you ready to go? We need to be at church at 9am." I gave a chuckle as she smirked.
The following weekend, I went over to the same friend's parents' house to play a round of golf at their country club. My buddy had gone upstairs to put on his golfing attire when his dad walked in from the backyard. He came into the kitchen and saw me and said, "Hey, did you have a nice time fucking my niece last weekend?"
The silence that ensued was probably the second most awkward moment of my entire life; my face grew red hot and I couldn't speak to save my life. He walked over to the fridge and pulled out a couple of beers and threw one at me. "Don't worry son, I'm just giving you a hard time."
I regained my composure and started laughing a bit when his face turned to stone and he said, "You think it's funny to take my niece's virginity? She was too tired to go to *church* last Sunday. I had to lie to her parents and tell them that she went." At this point I was just too beside myself to think rationally, so I just said, "Yeah, I guess. I dunno...wait...what was the question? She was really into it, so I guess it was cool. Not that she missed church, I guess. But we had a good time, sir."
There was another long silence before I remembered what he'd asked and added, "Yeah...I mean, no, it isn't funny. You just scared the shit out of me for a minute there."
He then started laughing hysterically and said, "Lighten up son, drink yer beer. You got a nice piece of ass last weekend; you should be proud of yourself. Cheers."
Did I mention that my buddy's dad is also overflowing with Christ-love? I think he was pretty plastered during our exchange. I hope.
Can you figure out which clickbait headlines are a gross parody of journalism itself, and which are fake?
Forget Target or Best Buy, if you want deals this Black Friday you can't do better than smoking massive, mind-melting quantities of DMT.
You cant go around life being smart in an unconventional way, it could change the world.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.