Nautical Nauseousness, inspired by Spongebob Squarepants, written by Bob Abdul Jabbar.Patrick rolled onto his side and propped his head up on his hand. The fire crackled and popped warmly in the hearth as though they weren't underwater or something."Squidward?" He breathed at last, exhaling the last of his underwater cigarette.Squidward was annoyed; Patrick was dropping ashes on his fabulous new Persian rug, but he was damned if he was going to say anything about it. The starfish may be fat and retarded, but he was a DEMON in the sack. Not to mention he had a fifteen inch schlong.He took a deep breath and tried not to let any annoyance creep into his voice, "What is it, Patrick?"Patrick looked up at him. He was so cute; he had ink stains all over his pudgy little face. "Do you think Spongebob will ever find out about us?"Squidward laughed. "Who cares about Spongebob?"Patrick's brow furrowed, obviously confused about the rhetorical nature of his lover's question. "I care about Spongebob, he's my best friend.""But you said it yourself, he's hung like a two-year-old,” Squidward protested.Patrick ejected his butt-plug (starfish are known for their exceptional anal strength) it was a little brown and crusty, and stood up, tears streaming down his face. “You don’t know Spongebob like I know Spongebob!” He shouted, suddenly looking ridiculous with ink and tears running down his face.Squidward snaked his tentacles around Patrick’s testicles, “Come on, Patrick, let’s forget about that yellow fucktard and do dirty things to each other…”* * *Mr. Crabs was scratching his crotch with his big claw. He found it darkly ironic that he had pubic lice.“Spongebob!!!” He screamed.Spongebob didn’t hear him, he had Plankton wrapped in duct tape and was currently trying to cram him up his rectum. No luck, he kept falling out. Damn that Patrick and his fifteen inch penis.Mr. Crabs came walking back to the kitchen, scratching and mumbling. He stood for a moment, surveying the scene, wishing he could masturbate, but afraid that might irritate his already inflamed pubic region.Finally he spoke up, “Spongebob, don’t ye think ye should let poor Plankton go?”“But Mr. Crabs, I LOVE him,” was his reply.“There be an old saying in the sea, lad… If you love someone, free them from the duct tape… if they truly be yours, they’ll come back and submit to the most humiliating acts imaginable. Me mom told me that one when I was just a wee crustacean.”Spongebob began to cry. Mr. Crabs snaked a claw up inside of his square trousers and said, “Come, lad, let Mr. Crabs make it all better…”(To be continued…)Revved Up and Ready to Cum, inspired by Turbo Teen, written by FrozenEntree.The night started off as any other. Bret was to meet up with the girl of his dreams. She was a leggy blond with brains only out done by her beauty. She was perfect in every way. 36-24-36, cream of the crop, a "keeper" as some would say. Her name was Brianne. Bret was more than anxious about the evening, he couldn't even eat because he was so jittery. He sat on his bed, watching the clock roll by. Every tic was like a bullet time strike, you know it's going to happen, but it still takes forever to get through. Every toc was a mockery of how much longer he had to wait. Every hourly chime seemed years in between each other. All he could do was wait.Brianne was taking her time getting ready at home, after all, tonight was the night she finally got to go out with Bret. Bret didn't know it, but Brianne was more into him than he knew. All the anxiousness, all the jitters, and here she was worrying more than he was. She finished picking out the right clothes and sat down on her bed. She sat for a second and started thinking about Bret. She was a mess and she knew it. There was no way she could go out like this, the date would be a disaster. She reached towards her night stand and opened the drawer. B.O.B. (Battery Operated Boyfriend) was waiting for her. She knew she was crunched for time, but without getting off first she would be a total wreck the whole evening.B.O.B. was long and thick, had rotating beads in the middle, and even had an extra extension at the base for clitoral stimulation. She started to suck on the toy while removing her bra with her other hand. As the bra came off her breasts were released from their prison. If Victoria ever had a secret, those breasts were it. She turned B.O.B. on low and started to caress her nipples. Her body trembled with joy. She ran the toy around in circular motions, slowly and then fast, she could feel herself getting wet. She ran the toy down her belly and made her way down. She started rubbing B.O.B. up and down over her soft lips. She thought about Bret and became even more turned on. She flowed like a natural spring, her juices a sweet nectar provided by mother nature. She tasted of herself and was pleased. Faster and faster she rubbed B.O.B. along her now spread lips. She was reaching the point of orgasm and finally thrust it in. She started out only putting in 3 inches, and then pulling it out. Then she moved on to 4 and then 6 inches. Finally she took all of B.O.B. inside of her. She moaned and was in awe of how good all 10 inches felt. She had already came 3 times, but now she couldn't stop herself. She turned B.O.B. on full vibration, and turned on the clitoral piece as well. She sat up and rode B.O.B. as if she were riding Bret. She bounced up and down ever so slightly. She imagined Bret underneath her smiling and caressing her breasts. She came again and again. She had lost count after 10 and was in the middle of another when the phone rang.She calmed herself enough to answer the phone. It was Bret. He asked her if she was almost ready. Breathless she told him yes. When asked about why she sounded winded, she told him that she had been working out. She would obviously need another shower, and took B.O.B. along for one last ride. She finished her shower and got dressed in record time. She was just finishing her make-up when the door-bell rang. She knew it had to have been Bret. She rushed to the door and sure enough it was him. The both were speechless. Brianne looked nothing short of a goddess. Every minute it seemed as if she grew more beautiful. Bret was awe-struck and didn't know what to say. Brianne blushed and returned the comfortable silence. Finally Bret broke the ice. He told her that she looked beautiful and escorted her to the car.Bret went all out for this date. He took her to the Platinum Pheasant, the most expensive restaurant in the area. There they wined and dined in luxury, they even seen a couple of celebrities. Considering how long they had known each other it was odd how little they knew. They sat for an eternity with each other, lost in conversation. Even though every table was full, they were all alone, just two love-birds in a 5-Star nest. The bill came and was paid for, the server was tipped more than generously, and their dinner was over.They got to the car and Bret had planned to go out dancing, after all, a new nightclub had just opened up downtown. Before he could get out the question he was interrupted by a passionate kiss from Brianne. He was awe struck once again. Even her spit tasted like honey to him. She looked at him and he looked at her, they both knew what was happening next. Tonight would be a night of dancing, but only the tango and only in his bed.When they arrived at his apartment, they made a bee-line straight to the bed room. She was a wild one when excited, and was half naked before he even dimmed the lights. She didn't even have time to notice the odd decor of the room. She didn’t care. They lay down on the oriental style bed and she started to remove his pants. He started to take off his shirt, and before he could get it all the way off she was already going to work on his cock. He could tell she had practice before, and he was more than thankful. It didn't take long for him to get fully erect as she went down on him. She was a master, taking all 9 inches of him without skipping a beat. She could easily give any porn star a run for the money. He stopped her after a couple of minutes. She took that as a sign that he wanted to be inside of her. Before he could stop her she already started riding him. Lost in the moment he couldn't resist. Never had he felt something so great before. She thrust up and down on him, every thrust getting wetter and hotter than the previous one. She rolled him over so that she could be on the bottom. He started out slowly, but she made sure it was fast and rough. She met each of his thrusts with a faster and harder one of her own. He loved every moment of it, and she loved it in return. She looked into Bret's eyes and was about to tell him that she was about to cum. She said that she was feeling so hot. Bret looked at Brianne and couldn't contain it any more. It was way too hot for him. Before she could cum for Bret it happened.As Bret was about to climax he got too hot. Within seconds the thing he feared most happened. Bret was a special boy as a teen, and a special man now that he was older. Brianne didn't even get to mention that she was cumming for Bret. In fact, after that moment, she never said anything again. Bret, after getting too hot, turned into a sports car. Within moments of orgasm, within moments of starting a life together with Brianne, and in a moment it all ended. Brianne was crushed by the weight of the Bret the Car. However, the moment wasn't quite over. Bret still was about to cum, all the pressure that was built up was released. Bret leaked oil all over the broken body of Brianne. He sat there and sprayed windshield wiper fluid, as it was the only he could do to cry. There was Brianne, lifeless and covered in Castrol Syntech.
Sir Mix-a-Lot's classic follow up to "Baby Got Back" has serious unintended consequences.
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.