When I lived in the dorms there was an event called room inspection. We were notified beforehand that RA's would enter are rooms to check for our "Safety"
Well I forgot.
So my of four days and I are doing are thing. And a knock comes at the door. I think it's just someone fucking around and fuck it I'm neckin' with my new girl. Well a few minutes later another knock comes. And I say fuck it. I'm dry humping this girl enough to put a hole in her jeans, a knock can wait.
Well not two seconds later the door opens, and it's two RA's who happen to get a glorious view of us making out.
My girlfiriend was kind of a prude so I had to spend a good few hours talking her down.
"It's ok, at least we still had clothes on."
I was on a bus coming back from some school thing in highschool, it was late and all dark. Sitting with me, was this hot girl I'd been in love with for like 2 years but she always had a boyfriend. We were talking and everything was cool, we were even playing some tickle games or some stupid flirty crap like that. Then she put her hand on my crotch somehow, I guess it wasn't the smoothest thing she ever did either but my reaction was way worse. I grabbed her by the wrist and jokingly yelled something stupid like "what's going on here??". I thought she had put her hand there by mistake, almost immediately afterwards i realized I was probably mistaken about that (but who knows I guess). Either way though, it was stupid to humiliate her in front of a lot of people like that - and it also wasn't the only thing I did to screw that up. I never forgive myself for this stupidity.
I think my brother had some of the best awkward moments that I've ever seen. He was downtown one night, bar hopping. As he was leaving one bar, a smoking hot woman approached him and asked him where he was going. He said that he was going to another bar. Woman then says, "Well, if you leave now, you'll miss it." He replies, "Miss what?"
Another time, we were in a different bar, and the only hot woman in the place walks by. Everybody's head follows her as she walks by. She stops and turns to my brother and asks, "Excuse me, did you just say my name?" He replied, "Nope.", then turned to the rest of us and said, "Hey, did any of you just say her name?"
I was sitting at lunch one day in high school, with a bunch of my friends, when the conversation turns to a girl we all knew, and her recent breakup with her boyfriend. Now, this girl was very attractive, but she had a horrendous personality and was pretty much an all around drama queen. So I say:
"He probably broke up with her because she's a huge insufferable bitch and no one can stand to be around her for more than five minutes"
Of course the second this left my lips my friend sitting next to me whispers "duuude" in a low voice, and I realized the same girl was sitting three seats down from me. I was like LOL the girl gave me the dirtiest look of my life and left the table.
Afterward I was like, what? Truth hurts babe.
I made out with an Indian girl during a party a few months ago. It was in the middle of a crowded room and everyone was raging drunk, so it wasn't exactly an intimate moment. She had told me she was leaving right before I made my move, so she did.
Fast forward two weeks. I have no idea what her name is. That, of course, was a subject of joking for the two weeks prior, and my wonderful and racially sensitive friends and I had a series of potential names, ranging from Shabanu to LALALALALALALALALA. No big deal, bigotry fuels our conversations all the time, but it is always in jest.
So I'm working on a bottle of scotch at a massive house party. I am in no condition to do anything, but enjoying myself pretty well. Well whats-her-tits shows up with her posse of Indian friends, and apparently saw fit to reintroduce herself after our awkward encounter. All I remember was saying something to the effect of "I remember you, whats up?" and walking away a few seconds later.
The real story, as substantiated by the all-to-numerous champions of sobriety that follow my drunk ass around all the time, involves her asking me if I remember her, me answering the affirmative, and stumbling over her name. She pried further. "You don't even remember who I am?"
Suddenly, in a moment of wonderful lucidity, it came to me.
Then I ran and slid across the floor on my socks, laughing my ass off. Unsmooth.
Earliest un-smooth moment:
I was in LOVE with a boy named Clayton Arnold from third grade to junior high school. The night of our eighth grade "graduation" dance, he called me up to talk. It was the typical awkward pre-teen conversation then he asks if I'm doing anything after the dance.
I didn't want to sound lame with no plans, so I made up something about dinner with my parents and some friends.
He said, "Oh... well, I guess I'll see you at the dance."
I was so stupid, I didn't realize he was trying to ask me to do something afterwards. He moved away that summer.
Walking home from Uni with this chick, she says "So what would you do if I walked up to someone and kissed them?"
Me, being clever, says: "Err, keep walking."
Yeah. Real smooth.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.