I was in a bar with some friends when a girl approaches me. She is very cute and agressive. I was a nervous twit back then.

She asks what I am going to do after the bar closes.

This is where shock coupled with years of strict religious uptight upbringing and low self-esteem unveil thier ugly heads.

Stuttering I say..."well, uh, I dont..I think...uh, I am going to go home and, uh watch a movie, heheheh. uh..want to join me? hehe!"

She laughed her ass off. Then fucked my brains out later, so it all ended well.

I still feel stupid to this day of that though. Not fucking smooth.


When everyone on my dorm floor was meeting for the first time...

A girl named stood up and introduced herself as Jennifer.

I blurted out, very loudly: "My neighbors have a dog named Jennifer."

It wasn't exactly the most polite thing to compare someone with a dog when I'm just meeting them, and besides that I have no idea why I thought anyone would care.


A few years back was at a party talking with this attractive girl on a couch for quite some time. I figured she was pretty into me, but was sending strange signals and talking about her boyfriend a lot (ugh). Apparently he lived out of town, though.

Anyway, at one point she makes a comment that she was upset that she forgot to take her birth control pills today or some shit. Now, I'm not scholar, but I later interpreted that as her saying, "Hi, I wanna have sex, you interested?". So, stupid me, I changed the subject and then a short time later we went our separate ways.

Ugh!

There was another time that was just super embarassing. It was back in grade school, I think, and I was trying to show off for this girl that I liked, and I jumped up on this cement wall and slipped off and smacked my face into a trashcan. That was real smooth.


In 6th grade I walked over to give this girl some Valentine's Day chocolate, but I was attacked by sudden, piercing nausea and exploded vomit all over her instead.

I ended up giving the chocolate to my neighbor.


I was macking some lassie many years ago by telling some tasteless Chris Reeve jokes, unbeknownst to me that her very good friend right next to her had a brother in a wheelchair paralyzed from the waist down.


Back when I was in high school, I was sitting at the lunch table with all my friends, and I see this female friend of mine get up and excuse herself to use the restroom. I notice that in a very inconspicious manner she picks up her purse. After she gets a few steps my brain prompts my mouth to do something stupid, so I yell to her (she's about 20 feet away by now and it's a noisy lunchroom) "Hey, why in the hell are you taking your purse to the bathroom???" Every single person sitting at the table stops what they're doing, look at me with the most confused expression on their face, and the person next to me asks me if I am honestly that stupid or just an asshole.

More Comedy Goldmine

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Lair Flair!

    Lair Flair!

    Your lair. Maybe you lure victims to it, maybe you hide in it between killings, or maybe you haunt it 24/7 because you’re tragically confined by a curse. Whatever the situation, for most of us monsters, a living/un-living space is an important part of our identities. In this column, Monstergeddon award winners share their lair tips and techniques!

  • SkyMall Product Review: Bark Deterring Ultrasonic Collar

    SkyMall Product Review: Bark Deterring Ultrasonic Collar

    Works great on my child, who hasn't barked at all for as long as she's worn the apparatus. When she turns three, we will remove it for a trial period.

About This Column

The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.

Previous Articles

Suggested Articles

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.