The "Really Damn Big" Slot Machine of Confusion
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Tired of putting your money into normal sized slot machines that have obvious winning combinations? Kill the predictability of those boring old slot machines with our patented "Really Damn Big" Slot Machine of Confusion! Yes, this slot machine, which is over eight feet tall and 10 feet wide, is not only "really damn big" (The FAKE Las Vegas Herald) but also features nonsensical winning combinations and pictures that aren't based in any rational logic at all! Ready to win $1,000? Just pull the lever and hope to line up a pineapple, picture of Rosie O' Donnell's ass, and the logo from "Max Headroom"! With odds that change every minute and winning combinations that are dependent upon the current phase of the moon, you'll never quite be sure how to win, making the gambling experience even more exciting!
Current jackpot combos are as follows:
Rutabega : Disembodied Skull : Nuclear Bomb - pays 10
Batman : Plate of Macaroni and Cheese : Atomic Symbol for Boron - pays 20
Some Sort of Glowing Circle : Bucket of Paint : Bloody Arm Stump - pays 50
Symbol of David : Chocolate Danish : Eye of the Beholder - pays 100
Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
Ignore the hype. Find out how these games will likely go right or wrong.
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