Henchman Status Update (3 of 6)
The status of Chief Toots-A-Whistle has been changed from ACTIVE to DECEASED.
Name: Ironhorse, Walter (DECEASED)
Codename(s): Chief Toots-A-Whistle, The Steam Injun, Baroque N' Arrow, Rotates-With-Cogs
Join Date: 5-2-00
Primary Role: Stoic Wisdom
Secondary Role: Shamanism, steampunkery, sand painting
Specialties: Selling overpriced turquoise to white ladies, looking for signs and omens of things, and punching through brick walls with his pneumatic steam-ram fists.

Availability: On Hire (hire)
Contracted To: Adverse Interests, LLC.
Term of Hire: 30 days or d/c/f

DEATH PAYOUT: 50,000 USD to Ironhorse, Lila (mother).

Average Customer Rating: (rate)

Customer Review:

Signs everywhere...and I mean everywhere

Reviewed by Strife, Ultd.
You hire a steamborg Indian to look into the sky at an eclipse and say, "Hmm, it is a sign," but this guy won't shut up. Everything is a sign to him. After a couple hours he was narrating everything that was going on and his interpretations were inane. When a doorbell rang he said, "Legend foretells that a man will come to this place." I gave him three scarlet skulls because he is worth it for when you need a wall punched through or (more)

Circumstance of Contract Liquidation:

Confronted a T.E.A.M. white ninja with a spirit drum and the story of brother coyote. Cause of death was torso bisection by hyperkatana followed by complete innard plopulation. We did not know T.E.A.M. possessed hyperkatana technology. T.E.A.M. must have stolen it from Matsuo Heavy Evil or one of the Chinese (more)

More Features / Articles

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Get In The God Dang Weight Room, Johnny Manziel!

    Get In The God Dang Weight Room, Johnny Manziel!

    Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.

  • Helping Your Real Friends Move

    Helping Your Real Friends Move

    A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.