Henchman Status Update (3 of 6)
The status of Chief Toots-A-Whistle has been changed from ACTIVE to DECEASED.
Name: Ironhorse, Walter (DECEASED)
Codename(s): Chief Toots-A-Whistle, The Steam Injun, Baroque N' Arrow, Rotates-With-Cogs
Join Date: 5-2-00
Primary Role: Stoic Wisdom
Secondary Role: Shamanism, steampunkery, sand painting
Specialties: Selling overpriced turquoise to white ladies, looking for signs and omens of things, and punching through brick walls with his pneumatic steam-ram fists.

Availability: On Hire (hire)
Contracted To: Adverse Interests, LLC.
Term of Hire: 30 days or d/c/f

DEATH PAYOUT: 50,000 USD to Ironhorse, Lila (mother).

Average Customer Rating: (rate)

Customer Review:

Signs everywhere...and I mean everywhere

Reviewed by Strife, Ultd.
You hire a steamborg Indian to look into the sky at an eclipse and say, "Hmm, it is a sign," but this guy won't shut up. Everything is a sign to him. After a couple hours he was narrating everything that was going on and his interpretations were inane. When a doorbell rang he said, "Legend foretells that a man will come to this place." I gave him three scarlet skulls because he is worth it for when you need a wall punched through or (more)

Circumstance of Contract Liquidation:

Confronted a T.E.A.M. white ninja with a spirit drum and the story of brother coyote. Cause of death was torso bisection by hyperkatana followed by complete innard plopulation. We did not know T.E.A.M. possessed hyperkatana technology. T.E.A.M. must have stolen it from Matsuo Heavy Evil or one of the Chinese (more)

More Features / Articles

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Advanced Level Sexy Catcalls

    Advanced Level Sexy Catcalls

    Hows about you, me, and five uncomfortable minutes in my basement apartment next to the dusty Christmas tree that's still up from my last visit with my estranged children.

  • Zagat's Guide to Poor Person Eating

    Zagat's Guide to Poor Person Eating

    The Upper Kitchen Cabinet Where Your Roommate Keeps His Food: You’ll 'need the footstool' to reach your roommate’s 'fine selection' of 'stale cereal,' but he'll never notice if 'only a little is missing from each box.' Feel less guilty by reminding yourself that Jeff 'acts weird around your girlfriend,' and always 'asks about her.' What a 'creep.'

Copyright ©2015 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.