Once man evolved from the sea-dwelling creatures they were, they began to immediatly kill every poor animal in their path. Sigh... sometimes people never change, do they?
Having burned and mutilated everything near the oceans, mankind began to move inward, decimating everything in their path. They were known as "pioneers" or "settlers". They traveled in covered wagons made from the flesh of baby horses.
The kind and sensitive Native Americans, who believe all life was a sacred, holy thing, were at peace with the world. They were enlightened, majestic, caring people who loved all forms of life.
The treacherous New England Patriots are guilty of deflating their footballs. We must punish them severely in the name of holy retribution. This transgression has been the biggest headline in the United States for an entire week, and it should be the primary concern of all nations.
We have used extensive market research to determine the average consumers of America's favorite rolls of caramel-oozing choco cysts.
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