The Native Americans were so concerned with never harming any creatures of Mother Earth that they lived on a diet consisting solely of rocks, dirt, and air. They were able to transcend the bloodlust that infected the pioneers.
Unfortunately, being so kind and loving came with a price. The settlers, sensing a weakness in the Native Americans, let their primal hatred take over.
The pioneers would shoot their cannons into the Native Americans' faces and then steal their land so they could simply light it on fire and move away. Settlers believed that any land touched by Native Americans should be burned to the ground.
Cut to today: nuclear power plants and industrial chemical factories are spewing poisonous death into the air every second, killing millions of babies and seals. Their stranglehold on the economy ensures no governments will interfere with their reign of terror. This is where you and I come in!
Some of the Internet's most veteran anatomy experts convened to discuss the stolen nude photos of Jennifer Lawrence and other beautiful celebrities.
Master is troll wizard, so's if he get angry he might cast spell up on my self and bite off my whole head in one chomp.
We're spelunking through the movie catacombs this week. Join us, won't you?
Kirk Cameron destroys the internet with his rage and jacks it to boats, hallelujah!
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.