The Native Americans were so concerned with never harming any creatures of Mother Earth that they lived on a diet consisting solely of rocks, dirt, and air. They were able to transcend the bloodlust that infected the pioneers.
Unfortunately, being so kind and loving came with a price. The settlers, sensing a weakness in the Native Americans, let their primal hatred take over.
The pioneers would shoot their cannons into the Native Americans' faces and then steal their land so they could simply light it on fire and move away. Settlers believed that any land touched by Native Americans should be burned to the ground.
Cut to today: nuclear power plants and industrial chemical factories are spewing poisonous death into the air every second, killing millions of babies and seals. Their stranglehold on the economy ensures no governments will interfere with their reign of terror. This is where you and I come in!
This Week on Something Awful...
How The Olive Garden Hopes To Outdo Amazon's Drones
The first phase of The Olive Garden's cyber rollout will introduce their Neverending Pneumatic Pasta Tube. This works on the same principal as bank drive-thru deposit tubes, but with unfrozen linguini and spaghetti.
Do You Remember the 1990s?
Do you remember the crazy clothes and hair of the 1990s? Do you remember Crystal Pepsi and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Do you remember where you hid the box your mother gave you?
The Secret Life of Walter Mitty; Out of the Furnace; The Book Thief
It's still okay to like Ben Stiller, guys.
Axe Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan
Dan Haggerty and Joe Estevez get grizzly all up in Paul Bunyan's bizzly!
About This Column
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.
Previous Articles
- Tiki the Insane Eco-Bastard Penguin of Doom
- Leonard's Law
- Jeff K.'s User Friendly Cartoon About Lunix
- Come Visit FAKE Las Vegas!
- Why I Should Be President of the PTA and Not Betty Grable
