The Native Americans were so concerned with never harming any creatures of Mother Earth that they lived on a diet consisting solely of rocks, dirt, and air. They were able to transcend the bloodlust that infected the pioneers.
Unfortunately, being so kind and loving came with a price. The settlers, sensing a weakness in the Native Americans, let their primal hatred take over.
The pioneers would shoot their cannons into the Native Americans' faces and then steal their land so they could simply light it on fire and move away. Settlers believed that any land touched by Native Americans should be burned to the ground.
Cut to today: nuclear power plants and industrial chemical factories are spewing poisonous death into the air every second, killing millions of babies and seals. Their stranglehold on the economy ensures no governments will interfere with their reign of terror. This is where you and I come in!
Hows about you, me, and five uncomfortable minutes in my basement apartment next to the dusty Christmas tree that's still up from my last visit with my estranged children.
The Upper Kitchen Cabinet Where Your Roommate Keeps His Food: You’ll 'need the footstool' to reach your roommate’s 'fine selection' of 'stale cereal,' but he'll never notice if 'only a little is missing from each box.' Feel less guilty by reminding yourself that Jeff 'acts weird around your girlfriend,' and always 'asks about her.' What a 'creep.'
This ain't your daddy's globe...! .... or is it?!
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.