We hope Kitty has taught you kids a valuable lesson. NEVER assume the Police are just one of the "good guys" who are there to uphold the law! They're all evil stormtroopers who are solely interested in crushing your spirit and brutalizing you for their own pleasure! Here's some helpful suggestions for dealing with the Police.

  • If you hear a knock at your door followed by somebody identifying themselves as a Police officer, DO NOT let them in! Respond by shrieking, "screw off, pigs!" If they continue to knock, claim you have a gun and you're not afraid to use it!
  • If somebody breaks into your house and starts stealing your stuff, DO NOT call the Police! They will merely rush in and beat up the criminal AND you! Instead, walk up to the burglar and ask him if he'd like to talk with you about his need to break the law. Sit down with the person and discuss his issues. Criminals are people too and just need a little guidance.
  • Whenever you spot somebody trying to raise money for Widows of Slain Police Officers or something equally ludicrous, make sure to spit in their donation can and shout "FASCIST!"
  • Scream slogans such as, "PEACE, NOT GUNS!" frequently when you're walking through the mall.
  • Protest by never seeing any of the RoboCop movies, except the third sequel, the one where he helps the homeless people.
  • When playing "Cowboys and Indians", always be the Indians (Native Americans) and try to smash all the Cowboys in the face with large rocks.

– Kitty the Talking Octopus

More Features / Articles

This Week on Something Awful...

  • The Fracking Fables of Groggery Gibbonman

    The Fracking Fables of Groggery Gibbonman

    ‘Toad coin?’ wondered the traveler as he examined the pebble. It did not look all that different from any other pebble, and certainly nothing like a coin. ‘What manner of coin has no head or tail, and bears no seal or flag? Who backs this toad coin, the toad bank? The toad treasury!?’ The traveler laughed, but the toads croaked sternly back at him.

  • Your Dog is Totally Worth Refrigerated Food

    Your Dog is Totally Worth Refrigerated Food

    Spending $10-15 a day on perishable organic dog food is not a sign of a decadent culture in terminal decline, it's actually real good and worth it.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.