What's wrong with genetic engineering? — It's back to speed again. People want results fast. More important is that big companies want to make lots of money out of GE. Penguins have no use for money but I understand why people need it since few of you can find your own food any more.
There he goes again, droning on about how penguins are God's gift to the universe and humans are just big, dumb, fleshy bags of DNA. I don't buy into any of this pro-penguin bullcrap. Hell, penguins aren't even smart enough to get jobs at Del Taco, much less be lecturing to me about "big companies". Make me a fucking quesadilla and then we'll talk, Tiki.
Most companies like to make lots of money and they like to make it fast. Some don't care much who gets trampled on in the process. The company, not the farmer, then has control over who grows what food. Many poor farmers won't be able to afford to buy the seed. Patents on living things has also started a new sort of piracy: biopiracy.
So this is what I'm supposed to be so deathly afraid of? A bald guy stealing two bags of seeds from a couple of multiracial gay farmers? Will the big businesses only go after multiracial gay farmers or will they also try to bully around heterosexual farmers as well? And what about Oriental bisexual farmers? Come on Tiki, please elaborate with your words of wisdom! Explain how penguins have been running functional multinational companies for decades and how human beings aren't fit to farm a lima bean! I know you want to!
But GE is a risky business and nobody knows - nobody! - what will happen if most people end up eating GE food most of the time.
I'll tell you this much: if I eat something that's half tomato and half fish, I know EXACTLY what will happen - I'll fucking throw up within seconds. No doubt, no questions. Sure those tomatoes with gills and eyeballs will last longer in the supermarket because NOBODY IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WILL BUY THEM! Just like the freaky pickles! Furthermore, screw you, Tiki! Of course since I'm already getting emails from people saying, "But Lowtax, there are already genetically engineered tomatoes with fish genes in them! Heck, you've probably eaten one already and never knew it! You don't know anything about genetic engineering, unlike Tiki!" I'd like to remind everybody that I'm not talking about THOSE kind of tomatoes... I'm talking about the ones featured in the next picture.
The big seed companies like to say that their GMO seeds and foods are 'substantially equivalent' - meaning more or less the same as ordinary seeds. A soy bean seed or tomato looks the same whether it's genetically modified or it isn't. They taste the same. They smell the same. So they are the same (almost), say the companies. So there's no need to test them. Critics say this is a lie.
Uh... huh. First off, I ain't eating ANYTHING that still has eyeballs on it, much less a mouth. I don't know how much personal research that scientist has been doing with crack cocaine, but any moron can see those tomatoes are completely different. For example, one has a tattoo that says, "GENETIC" and the other says, "ORGANIC" on it. If these big evil seed companies want the public to think their crap is just like organic stuff, maybe they shouldn't take a Sharpee magic marker and scrawl "GENETIC" across the front of them. It probably affects their taste as well. And why does the "GENETIC" tomato have a mouthpiece crammed into it? And what the hell is the "ORGANIC" tomato looking at anyway? What's going on here? Damn it, where the hell is Tiki when I need him? Probably lecturing about fire safety or beating the snot out of that asexual kid.
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.