Earl Campbell is attacked by a mutant rat or whatever the hell that thing is. I saw one of those things when I was kicking the crap out of some blue-haired goth reject. I took it home and boiled it. It tasted like a sparrow.
DJ Dinette Set busts a move. I break in and bust his head through a series of plate glass windows. The simp's been spitting up glass every day in the ER since. His parents are threatening to sue me but the jokes on them because you can't sue a goddamn veteran. I have diplomatic immunity or some shit like that, I think. It's in the 10 Commandments or whatever.
Oh why that's very fetching, giant spiders have dropped from the sky and landed on goths' heads. Don't try digging in there for brains, fellahs, cause all you'll get is a cloud of cigarette smoke.
"LOSE WEIGHT AND GAIN MUSCLE BY PRANCING LIKE A NIMROD" Go jump off a bridge, you steroid chugging queen.
I don't know who the hell this moron is, but I hope his parents' see this and beat the ugly yahoo within inches of his life. No wait, that's my job. Have fun working in the carnival industry for the rest of your pathetic life.