This article is part of the Dynamars Corporation Information Kiosk series.
***04-09-2304 - New Entry
Chief Crate Inspector Peterson reports that crate #4728-231A shows signs of tampering due to a broken seal and missing contents. Because an EMP was detonated when he was entering the data into his computer, he is unable to find any records pertaining to the nature of #4728-231A's contents.#4728-231A is due to be shipped to Europa on 04-14-2304. If the contents are returned within one day, no questions will be asked and no effort will be made by any station personnel or the DynaMars Corporation to prosecute. The DynaMars Corporation would like to remind all residents that doing the right thing benefits everyone. We're all one big Martian Family here!
***04-10-2304 - New Entry
The DynaMars Corporation would like to remind all residents that leaving audio diaries lying around is dangerous and against company protocol. This is especially true of audio diaries containing proprietary information and security codes. If one of your audio diaries is found, you will be subject to severe disciplinary actions. If you find an audio diary that does not belong to you, DO NOT LISTEN TO IT. In addition to trade secrets, it may contain someone's innermost thoughts, secrets, and ambitions. Deliver it to Ares Station Area 5 Lost and Found at once!
Ares Station Resident #277 was found mauled to death in Area 2 Atmospheric Processing. If you or someone you know fatally mauled #277, the DynaMars Corporation requests that you please come forward immediately.
Funeral services for #277 will be held tomorrow at 0800 hours, after which he will be ceremoniously croutonized in keeping with his religious traditions.
***04-11-2304 - New Entry
Attention all Ares Station Residents: A strange bug is loose on the station and no one is safe!
It is known by researchers as the "Acting Bug" and is extremely contagious. If it has bitten you, please report to the Area 3 Library at 1900 on 04-13-2304 where auditions for Hamlet will be taking place. Kick back and have a little fun! You've earned it, citizen!
The DynaMars Corporation is pleased to announce that E.M. Arbuckle will be staging a book signing in the Area 3 Library Non-Fiction Section. Arbuckle, author of the new book Sins of Our Solar Republic, is looking forward to signing his name on your copy and answering any questions you might have about our Solar Republic and its sins. Be sure to visit the Area 3 Library Non-Fiction Section on 04-19-2304. Arbuckle will be standing by all day to accommodate as many personnel as possible.
Due to complaints that the library is difficult to navigate, please refer to this map:
In order to access the non-fiction section, you may need to acquire the blue keycard from Chief Librarian Hendren, who was last seen in the Auxiliary Waste Processing Center some 2,000 feet below the Area 7 Biosphere, where he was observed screaming profanities at shadows. Here is a map of the Auxiliary Waste Processing Center, with the presumed location of Chief Librarian Hendren.
Hows about you, me, and five uncomfortable minutes in my basement apartment next to the dusty Christmas tree that's still up from my last visit with my estranged children.
The Upper Kitchen Cabinet Where Your Roommate Keeps His Food: You’ll 'need the footstool' to reach your roommate’s 'fine selection' of 'stale cereal,' but he'll never notice if 'only a little is missing from each box.' Feel less guilty by reminding yourself that Jeff 'acts weird around your girlfriend,' and always 'asks about her.' What a 'creep.'
This ain't your daddy's globe...! .... or is it?!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
Keep up to date on the DynaMars Corporation's perpetually doomed efforts to colonize Mars.