This article is part of the Dynamars Corporation Information Kiosk series.

***04-12-2304 - New Entry

Attention all Ares Station Residents: A strange bug is loose on the station and no one is safe!

Chief Science Officer Thorpe has identified the insects as "deathmites," a virulent insect known to burrow under the skin and deposit millions of microscopic eggs in the lungs, which are then spread to others through the air by way of coughing. If you find yourself fatigued, stressed, coughing, bleeding profusely from every orifice, or choking, please report to Quantum Labs immediately.

***04-13-2304 - New Entry

The DynaMars Corporation regrets to inform all residents that the planned production of Hamlet has been cancelled due to an unexpected series of killings. Chief Security Officer Mackey reports that a large polar bear somehow found its way into the Area 3 Library, where it used the scheduled Hamlet auditions as an excuse to maul and maim as many humans is it could before it was shoed away by a Mobile Defense Sentry Unit.

The DynaMars Corporation reminds all residents that these things happen, and that there will be future plays to look forward to. In the meantime, please be vigilant and remain attentive to all duties.

Good News! Chief Science Officer Thorpe admitted that there is no deathmite infestation in Ares Station! Chief Science Officer Thorpe and his fellow scientists, lonely and seeking human contact, falsely reported the outbreak in order to get more visitors. The DynaMars Corporation wishes to apologize to all residents. As a result of this prank, Quantum Labs will have its funding cut by 30%.

The DynaMars Corporation wishes to inform all parties searching for Chief Librarian Hendren that the Auxiliary Waste Processing Center's Atmospheric Control Processor is malfunctioning. As a result, the atmosphere in the Auxiliary Waste Processing Center is extremely toxic. A replacement unit can be found in the Area 1 Cargo Bay in Shipping Crate #4728-231C.

***04-14-2304 - New Entry

We regret to inform you that Shipping Crate #4728-231C contained a live polar bear. The DynaMars Corporation wishes to apologize to all those killed by the ravenous bear. The correct crate number is #4728-231B.

The DynaMars Corporation would also like to alert all residents that as many as two polar bears may be loose on the station. Having been awoken prematurely from cryosleep, both are hungry, angry, and very likely resentful of human beings. If you see one you are hereby ordered to subdue it immediately using only non-lethal force.

***04-15-2304 - New Entry

The DynaMars Corporation regrets to inform all residents that CEO Davies has disappeared. After missing several scheduled conference calls and audits, a station-wide search was initiated. The DynaMars Corporation is insisting that all Ares Station residents do their part in help find CEO Davies so that he can continue with his audits and criminal investigation.

***04-16-2304 - New Entry

An audio diary belonging to CEO Davies was found near the entrance to the ancient caves. It is currently undergoing analysis by the DynaMars Corporation's Board of Directors, and will hopefully lead to the quick recovery of CEO Davies.

Good News! The Area 7 Biosphere Reflecting Pond has been reopened! If you are one of the crewmembers sealed in the Area 7 Biosphere, please feel free to make use of it for all your reflecting needs! The DynaMars Corporation wishes to offer its sincere congratulations to Chief Landscaping Officer Wilson for his fine work getting the Area 7 Biosphere back to working order.

***04-17-2304 - New Entry

Chief Security Officer Mackey and Chief Archeologist Bailey conducted a survey of the ancient caves, but did not recover CEO Davies. They did find several aged casks of scotch, various animal skeletons, and more audio diaries belonging to CEO Davies. The DynaMars Corporation is currently analyzing the audio diaries for further intelligence.

***04-18-2304 - New Entry

Congratulations to the team that successfully recovered the blue keycard necessary to access the Area 3 Library Non-Fiction Section. Although they lost five men recovering the keycard, they persevered like true fans of literature! They even recovered Chief Librarian Hendren, so mad and insane from toxic fumes that he has taken to eating his own hair and feces. Good job, team!

However, the DynaMars Corporation regrets to inform residents that E.M. Arbuckle was killed when his ship crashed into Phobos. The book signing is therefore cancelled.

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.