If your name was the same name as a demon that was haunting your house that would be awful since every time someone called your name cupboards would start opening and closing all over the place.

Whoever wrote this has some serious bats in their belfry and also the belfry itself is an old burned-out skyscraper converted into an enormous belfry.

I wonder how many candles this lady goes through in an average week.

YOUTH SPELLS NOT WORKING. PLEASE REPLY BACK ASAP.

The cool spirit club is off limits to you new guys, so stay away!

More The Weekend Web

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Advanced Level Sexy Catcalls

    Advanced Level Sexy Catcalls

    Hows about you, me, and five uncomfortable minutes in my basement apartment next to the dusty Christmas tree that's still up from my last visit with my estranged children.

  • Zagat's Guide to Poor Person Eating

    Zagat's Guide to Poor Person Eating

    The Upper Kitchen Cabinet Where Your Roommate Keeps His Food: You’ll 'need the footstool' to reach your roommate’s 'fine selection' of 'stale cereal,' but he'll never notice if 'only a little is missing from each box.' Feel less guilty by reminding yourself that Jeff 'acts weird around your girlfriend,' and always 'asks about her.' What a 'creep.'

Copyright ©2015 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.