"I'm thinking about performing surgery on myself with broken beer bottles and rusty garden tools, and I'm scared..."

And just where the hell is the flag for tuberculosis?

Dumb doctors with their oaths and pills and that headlight strapped to their heads. Does that thing even do anything? What a crock, I know better!

Ass, asset. I get it. THIS SHIT IS BANKRUPT.

Why don't these guys just drive around a graveyard for a while? Or find the place they filmed the video for Thriller and see if any of the zombie dancer guys are still hanging around looking for more work.

More The Weekend Web

This Week on Something Awful...

  • The Fandangling Fables of Groggery Gibbonman

    The Fandangling Fables of Groggery Gibbonman

    'We’re going to be in trouble!' Little Sister wailed, clutching her favorite book to her chest and sobbing. 'This isn’t fun like a story anymore!' But Big Sister was not listening, she was thinking. She grabbed Little Sister’s book from her and ran into town, yelling 'Help! A book made me and my sister hurt someone!'

  • Enter: the Lead Loremaster

    Enter: the Lead Loremaster

    I've been wanting to meet you all for the past few weeks, but I guess I cut an intimidating figure. I'm the new guy, with the cool job you've all surely been gossiping about. Yep, I'm the Lead Loremaster, and I'm here to enrich everything we do with much-needed lore.

About This Column

There are hundreds of stories happening on the World Wide Web. Let me tell you, that's a very wide web. Our goal at Weekend Web is to bring you the latest headlines from around the Internet. We go into the very bowels of message boards everywhere and find out what millions of online citizens have to say.

Previous Articles

Suggested Articles

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.