Hydrogen: "Eagle Dawn" is the perfect codename for this movie; vaguely cool until you think about it for half a second, and realize it makes zero fucking sense.
Trillaphon: "Welcome to the Company, son. Your codename will be "Majestic Ringworm". Are you ready for your first assignment?"
Trillaphon: "Assignment #1: find a fucking hat, like at least a ten-gallon cowboy hat. Assignment #2: go to the barber shop down the street to pick up a secret message - ask for the buzz cut, that's the secret code. Assignment #3: fuck off, forever."
Hydrogen: You would think that for someone as obsessed with being a clandestine agent as he is, he'd opt for a less conspicuous haircut, like maybe a neon green mohawk.
Trillaphon: His summer job as a coffee caddy at the CIA's field office for useless rejects will be great preparation for his ultimate top secret assignment: meeting a girl who won't immediately scream and/or puke as soon as she spots him skulking out of the shadows.
Hydrogen: *puts on fedora* Ma'am.
Hydrogen: ...ASSIGNMENT COMPROMISED! ABORT, ABORT! EAGLE DAWN HAS BEEN SHOT DOWN! I REPEAT, THE HOT DOG IS OUTSIDE THE HALLWAY!
Following America's defeat in World War 3, allied forces uncovered a number of experimental weapon prototypes in the hotel-compound of Trump's loyalist Space Force army. Had the war continued just a few more months, these secret weapons would have changed the course of the war.
Extremely proud over here! The bosses took notice and I have been promoted to 20 cages!!
Are there arrows in Tomb Raider? "No. Absolutely not."
Something Awful reviews the absolute worst movies out there. We focus mostly on horror and science fiction, because all writers here on Something Awful are huge nerds.