Something Awful devotes at least one Goldmine installment each January to readers who are looking to make positive changes and learn new skills, like going to the gym or becoming a badass. This year's SA Forums life-improvement project is one anyone can master: It involves opening the door for someone, and then saying a quip that makes the recipient of this courteous gesture think "ha damn, polite and clever? I hope everyone I encounter in 2015 is as impressive as that person!"
"bros before hoes"
*open a door a tiny portion of the way and make them force their body through *
"let the building eat you"
*looking up admiringly at the door, stroking it*
this door has a great opening-closing motion, sturdy without being too ridged, weighty, the smooth action of the hinges is sublime. you should try it some time asshole
"i'm not doing this for you. i'm doing this for me. heavy door." *flex bicep*
*grasping door as if all of my strength is needed to keep it open*
don't worry about me! just go!
*slowly allow the door to close if they hesitate*
make wooooOOOOooooo noises while you hold the door so they think they're walking into a haunted house
"If you walk through this door we're best friends."
Then after they enter, walk next to them and say "I'm so excited, what should we do first?!"
*make the portal sound*
"You must gather your party before venturing forth"
In these contentious political times it is more important than ever to work together in a bipartisan way with the people who said I should be thrown out of a helicopter for being an Antifa terrorist.
This Halloween, log off and visit your friends at the local Halloween Superstore.
Better than expected, and absolute garbage
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.