I want to hear the sounds of soup being made, not whimpering from cooing mothers and dopey pencil-necked do-gooders. I pride myself on running the toughest soup business in the country, and the record number of workplace suicides here reinforces my position as THE CRUELEST MAN IN SOUP.
FREE COLLEGE DEGREE - The College of Winterhold is accepting new students for its famous magic program. Interested candidates should simply show up and receive free room and board and education. We’re so eager to start blasting magic all over the place that we won’t even bother asking your name.
Holiday shopping is getting bloodier every year. Old people get trampled, eyeballs get blasted with spicy pepper spray and humans descend to the level of savage beasts fighting for scraps of meat from a rotting corpse. It's a hunt as uncivilized as anything that happens in the wild. Thankfully, there's an easy way to avoid the holiday bloodshed.
ATTN: Dark Brotherhood. Just got new hardwood flooring installed that I don’t want to bloody up performing the Black Sacrament. Anyways, could you kill the Dragonborn? He put a pot on my head and stole all my cabbages that I was saving up for a big feast.
Readers, I come to you with a sense of renewed urgency. Each and every word you see before you carries with it tremendous weight, for not since the Good Book has the written word been given such a grand and glorious thing to communicate. I, Philip Bond Fouke III, am a man reborn.
Our mission is to study the past and future firsthand, to watch the great events of time as they unfold before our eyes. We strive not only to observe history in the making, but to right any wrongs that transcend the boundaries of time, and of course those perpetrated by nefarious rival time travelers.
Mr. Mayor, have you noticed the horrible fog outside enveloping the entire town? You know, the fog that’s as thick as soup and hard to walk around in and the one with the primordial monsters that appear out of nowhere to grab people away? I have, and I don’t care for it one bit.
Our town faces a threat unlike any other: Thousands of feral dogs, some rabid, roaming the streets. That's why I am running for the office of Dog Catcher. I vow to clean up the canine menace and restore dignity to this town, so that our children and seniors can frolic free, without fear of being bitten or urinated upon by an untrained dog.
Dear Mr. Mayor, I am a deeply spiritual person with a strong devotion to the Lord Jesus Christ. That monolith challenges what I know and believe in my heart, so I am asking your permission to shoot the monolith and shoot it dead. I have a gun, I have good aim, and I am a firm believer.
My wife and children seem like a distant memory now that I have this wonderful crossword puzzle. I dread its completion, yet yearn to make it happen as soon as humanly possible. This must be how the male praying mantis feels.
Gladys Troutdale over on 55 Green has cultivated quite a garden. She's sitting on a ridiculous amount of food when you consider she's an old lady with no children and zero hope of ever finding a man. It's a shame to see all that fine vegetation going to waste on someone who is going to die soon, so you can follow my lead and help yourself.
The date was September 11, 2001. Jennifer Lopez was heating up the music charts, The Musketeer was number one at the box office, and homicidal religious fanatics were flying planes into skyscrapers. Needless to say, things were crazy.
Delivering bad news is a difficult but necessary part of my job. For every one exceptional dog present at our Kennel Fair Dog Pageants, we easily see one hundred dogs unworthy of advancing to the semifinals. Indeed, many of these dogs are not even worthy to continue living.
As many of you know, the economy has not been performing very well over these past couple of years. First of all: Sorry about that. True, it's been recovering in some areas, but the unemployment rate is still high, and a lot of average folks are poorer than ever.
My former friend and fellow SA writer David Thorpe spent several months convincing me to join him in attending the Gathering of the Juggalos. Unfortunately for me, David Thorpe had been working the long con, and had no intention of ever going. I spent the entire event looking for him, and ended up missing most of the festivities.
It's summer again and that means hot weather, angry hornets and an increased demand for quality presentations. Now more than ever businesses and individuals need quality Power Points presentations tailored to their every need, and nobody does a better job filling that need than Burt's PowerPoints.
When it comes to blasting out soulless Americana, no entity on this earth has a bigger and more industrious butthole than the Bradford Exchange. They are on some maddening quest to create the perfect item that so remarkably encapsulates the essence of America's schizophrenic spirit that reality itself collapses in on itself.
A glorious day has dawned, faithful Carnivores! It is with great pleasure that I announce to you that my $1,000.00 challenge has been met! Ah, how this quest has eluded me for so long! At last, after years of searching, fate has seen fit to award me that most precious thing each Carnivore yearns for: The taste of a new meat.
Burt's back with a new batch of spring 2011 model Power Points! It's been a rough year so far and despite many hardships impressed upon me by my wife, I'm still cranking out professional, premium quality Power Points for business, pleasure and... beyond!
Communication is important to getting your point across, and the #1 way to do that is with a Microsoft Power Points presentation. I am a professional desktop publisher with over 15 years in the business. I've made and sold more Power Points than can be expressed by mere numbers.
FREDERICK OXBOW, HAIR CUTTER, BEGS respectfully to inform all good Citizens and Criminals of Honor that he has become the Sole Licensee for using Duke's Patent Rotary Hair Threshing Apparatus, and diligently invites them to call and ENJOY A WONDERFUL EXPERIENCE!
Mr. Mayor, if you're not going to have the thousands of little hairy men plaguing our streets arrested, could you at least have them provided with diapers or underwear. I'm tired of seeing their disproportionately large genitalia flailing around while they spit and jump up and down.
With great pride I invite you to join me for this, the inaugural edition of E. C. Fouke's Compendium of Meats & Edibles. I trust that in time this humble endeavor shall find its home beside the most treasured works of publication, and an indispensable companion to that most splendid of souls, the American Carnivore.
In case any of you get a mind to leave early, I should give you fair warning: I have employed a sharpshooter. His name is Ðâng Lành and he was one of the best solders the Viet Cong ever produced. I met him during my days in the war and was so impressed by his ability to capture and torment his enemies that I hired him on the spot.
I have written you many times to complain about Mr. Stormbeard's unruly lawn and flagrant disregard for the neighborhood charter, a document I vowed to uphold at all costs. I must now inform you that this sacred document has been stained with blood.
Our friends at the Bradford Exchange, a sort of Caligulan celebration of humanity's thirst for garbage, have honed in on what it means to express love. Their scientists have concocted a terrific medley of gifts that say romantic things like "I love you" and "I know you still yearn to return to the Glory Days of the Confederacy."
CARNIVAL FUNHOUSE been nigh on 30 years since the carnival closed. Mirror maze available to tenant with strong constitution. Lots of wasps swarming in there and it's hard to tell which ones are real and which ones are reflections. $1200/month for unit pending thorough credit check. 555-9239
I had the great privilege of sitting behind the president during the address, and felt the power of his words. I admit, I was a bit distracted at times. If you saw me smiling early on, it's because I just couldn't stop thinking about that Jalapeno Smokehouse Bacon Burger they've got at Chili's. I've had my eye on that son of a gun all week.
Some of you have had the audacity to question my decision to take some of the older boys on a "field trip" to the Bouncy House. It's amazing any of you would question me, since I was upfront about where I was taking them. Are that many of you really not familiar with local strip clubs? What other Bouncy House would I mean?
I've seen a lot of weird things in Washington over the past 40 years. At first I thought the weirdest thing was seeing how Newt Gingrich always takes his shirt off before he goes to the bathroom, even if he's just doing a number one. But in the past two years I've observed something even stranger: Progress, and lots of it.
Saw Jared Leto enter a vintage clothing shop, only nobody noticed so he left and then entered again more dramatically. Still nobody else saw, so after like four more times finally someone noticed and then he pretended to be more surprised than they were.