Computer geek Myron Burns is stunned to see light which doesn't come from his computer screen. I'm stunned to see patches of his skin which don't look like pussy shrines to the God of Clearasil. I hate all teenagers, except the hot broads that work at Dairy Queen.

Little known fact: baseball great Rollie Fingers and his wife Esmerelda retired to South Appleton long ago. Here they are filming a commercial sponsor for "Appleton City Man Cream" brand ice cream. Go back to Oakland, we don't need anymore coke-snorting, wife-beating drunken ball players here, you goddamn bum.

Father and son newspaper editorial team Jim and Ross St. Clair. Now you can understand why 99% of the articles in the paper are about "Choosing the Burrito That's Right For You."

Some moronic Appleton City residents try to fool me by disguising themselves as giant beers and really fat Burt Reynolds clones. They still look like asses to me, and get their shit kicked accordingly.

Welcome to the 1980's! Better strap on your REO Speedwagon jean jacket and Swatch watches there, you bowl-headed little greasy mutt.

Exclusive photo from LardCon 2000.