Marty Brentner, AKA the Burger Goblin. Powered by about 24 quarter-pounders, this bloated monstrosity's daily routine revolves around stealing the other kids' school lunches and gatecrashing any barbeques or funerals in the area. I don't know what he eats when neither of these are available, but I've noticed most of the dogs and cats in West Appleton run like hell at the sight of him. So do I. He's got a face hard enough to turn flesh into stone.

Sadly, Susan Brogan's mountainous hips can't fit into the sewers with the other vermin where it belongs. To compensate, she encourages the rats in her infested apartment to make nests in her hair, but as you can see, several of them recently died in there. Too bad the poor critters don't realise the only reason she feeds them is to fatten them up for her special dessert treat, "Fried Rat and Lard."

Brian Sherrill the Raver Retard from East Appleton. This little pissant has the kind of face that cries out to be smacked repeatedly with a red-hot frying pan. Not that you'd notice the difference afterwards, except your pan would be coated with enough grease to last for decades.

Feeding time for Eddie Monroe. In an effort to conceal their son's hideously misshapen face, Eddie's parents strapped a feed bucket over his head. Hopefully one day he'll suffocate in that thing. I'd take it off and beat him to death with it, but then I'd have to look at him.

I'm not at all sure which thing in this photo is male and which is female. Going on past experience with East Appleton's mutant population, I'd put my money on both being neither. Confused? Not half as much as these two clusterfucks were when I sprayed a Windex bottle loaded with hydrochloric acid in their faces. Nice bra, fuckhose.

Mike Engels starred in the East Appleton Technical College's Christmas play as the Pastry Fairy. If you think his face sags like a rotting 16th century building, you ought to see the rest of him. No, on second thoughts, you really, really shouldn't. In fact, burn your computer right now.