The tower is death. The tower is divine retribution for all of the mistakes you've made in your life, from thinking it would be cool wear a scorpion jacket like Ryan Gosling's character in Drive to thinking it would be a good idea to go near the tower.
Kim Jong Un moves to consolidate his support in North Korea by announcing a new Five-Year Plan.
The esteemed Dr. Paul gives advice on how to avoid the most debilitating of deserved diseases.
As the primary executive of this family, it is my duty to keep abreast of the morale of its constituents. Your attitudes of sullenness and ingratitude did not escape my notice; to clear up any dissatisfaction with my execution of the holiday, allow me to compile all available data and provide an objective assessment of all gifts given/received.
A child demands Santa Claus correct his failures.
You’ve got a hangover, three dollars, and fifteen minutes to get to grandma’s. Need gifts in a hurry? No problem. It’s craft time.
Do you love the fantasy genre? Are you tired of laboring through hundreds of pages of world building and plot to get to your favorite parts, where characters eat, or think about eating, or look at food? Do you ever wish you could get right to the good stuff?
Find out what all those "Layaway Santas" have been buying for people at Kmart.
An exclusive look at the new maps, skills, and features in Modern Warfare 3's upcoming DLC!
I want to hear the sounds of soup being made, not whimpering from cooing mothers and dopey pencil-necked do-gooders. I pride myself on running the toughest soup business in the country, and the record number of workplace suicides here reinforces my position as THE CRUELEST MAN IN SOUP.
Kim Jong Il is dead. A mourning nation bids farewell to Dear Leader.
Favorite Italian Power Ranger - Giancarlo (the orange Ranger)
Remembering Christopher Hitchens as a one-of-a-kind bastard.
The teens call it klooting. We call it "bad news." All over the country. In your homes and backyards. Klooting has increased at an unprecedented rate. And your children could be at risk. Does your teen show any "trouble signs?"
FREE COLLEGE DEGREE - The College of Winterhold is accepting new students for its famous magic program. Interested candidates should simply show up and receive free room and board and education. We’re so eager to start blasting magic all over the place that we won’t even bother asking your name.
In addition to glowing endorsements from individuals like KRS One, Chuck Norris and Prodigy from Mobb Deep, Ron Paul proudly welcomes the support of hundreds of grassroots political organizations. Here is a full list of groups supporting Ron Paul's 2012 presidential campaign.
We live on a planet where Pitbull wants to sell us things. Can we leave it?
When was the last time you cool ranched? Do you still have what it takes to be nacho cheesier?
Sometimes I am serious. You can tell it's a time when I'm serious when I speak like I'm begging a baby not to wake up, and because I concentrate real hard to make my self-satisfied grin go away so my face can look concerned.
You have forsaken all other beliefs. Kneel and accept the sacrament of the HTML Writers Guild.
Perhaps it was just ahead of its time, given the current popularity of literary/historical mash-ups like ‘Pride and Prejudice and Zombies,’ but in 1958 readers did not know what to make of ‘The Diary of Anne Frankenstein,’ a high-concept, macabre and slightly whimsical faux sequel in which Anne's father revives her with the help of a mad scientist.
Holiday shopping is getting bloodier every year. Old people get trampled, eyeballs get blasted with spicy pepper spray and humans descend to the level of savage beasts fighting for scraps of meat from a rotting corpse. It's a hunt as uncivilized as anything that happens in the wild. Thankfully, there's an easy way to avoid the holiday bloodshed.
You've been pretty good this year, so you're getting your gift early: Hundreds upon hundreds of lovingly-constructed collages of Television's Scott Bakula.
Siri finds herself out of her depth when helping an iPhone owner.
When you think of Edison - as you so often do - you probably picture a smart, industrious guy that invented a bunch of stuff. That's all true, but every now and then you might also be reminded of how much of a colossal jerk he was.
This Holiday, make it a December to Remember just how much you hate Lexus.
How can you upset a populace that's already witnessed the nadir of politics?
Learn every attack, taunt, counter and ultra finisher for HURTWELL and fully master your champion fighting technique!
We've shopped so you don't have to and lined up all the best deals available this Cyber Monday.
Welcome. Like first amputation, first public flogging, you never forget first apartment. So much excitement. So much mold.
There's nothing more comfortable than a dry pair of pants. Here's a moist pair of pants.
The scientists never paused to consider the consequences of their discoveries.
General Appearance: Looks like the witch from Legend. I know that’s telling not showing, so here’s a 1,000-word description, in the form of a picture.
Readers, I come to you with a sense of renewed urgency. Each and every word you see before you carries with it tremendous weight, for not since the Good Book has the written word been given such a grand and glorious thing to communicate. I, Philip Bond Fouke III, am a man reborn.
A cool resource online lets us contribute to the lore of a new superhero!
You may have heard of the 1,700 words and phrases Pakistan banned from text messages, but have you heard of the 100 they whitelisted?
When a cult seeks knowledge from the ruins of their abandoned home world, they turn toward the first decades of the internet and the words of the person with the most forum posts.
A fallen Marine checked "Pharaoh of Osiris" on his religious denomination form when he deployed to Afghanistan.
Learn the actual real true story of the models on the box of the NES game, Anticipation.
Our mission is to study the past and future firsthand, to watch the great events of time as they unfold before our eyes. We strive not only to observe history in the making, but to right any wrongs that transcend the boundaries of time, and of course those perpetrated by nefarious rival time travelers.
We look back almost-fondly on Little Nicky and wonder what offices need to be raided to cut off Adam Sandler's financial backers.
The Carrier Classic, a basketball game played on the USS Carl Vinson Aircraft Carrier occurred on Friday. Magic Johnson, the President, camouflage jerseys. It was a wonderful way to honor the troops. But, believe it or not, the Carrier Classic is not the first time schools and military teamed for a glorious show of awkward patriotism.
ESPN informs us that some of the victims will "probably" remember their sexual abuse for the rest of their lives. Probably. Some people are good at remembering stuff and some people aren't. This is one of those things that might be important enough to stick around in your head longer than a few hours. Then again, it might not. Fascinating!
Every year the USDA revises its list of permissible food contaminants. Please read carefully and enjoy your burger.
It’s that time of year again, when the brilliant, unheard literary voices of our time shout to the heavens ‘This is me, world! Peer inside my soul!’ That’s right, it’s National Novel Writing Month! A whole novel in JUST ONE MONTH?! And a week has already passed! Don’t worry, you can still make it with hard work, a little luck and these tips!
Mr. Mayor, have you noticed the horrible fog outside enveloping the entire town? You know, the fog that’s as thick as soup and hard to walk around in and the one with the primordial monsters that appear out of nowhere to grab people away? I have, and I don’t care for it one bit.
We got our hands on the most anticipated game of the year!
In a sane world Angry Birds would be long forgotten. Guess which world we live in.
After debate, compromise, and collaboration with its fellow representatives, Grave Digger signs the Constitution. To celebrate the occasion, it drives backwards and forwards over a row of drably colored British Cadillacs and Impalas.
For the past year or so Amazon has been utilizing Ensenda for shipping. And nobody knows anything about it.
What if a kid was also a mayor? Read this article, or wait for the heartwarming Disney adaptation 9 months from now.
Our town faces a threat unlike any other: Thousands of feral dogs, some rabid, roaming the streets. That's why I am running for the office of Dog Catcher. I vow to clean up the canine menace and restore dignity to this town, so that our children and seniors can frolic free, without fear of being bitten or urinated upon by an untrained dog.
We provide the highest-quality sandwiches at the lowest cost! Lost & found sandwiches, IRS seizure and police auction sandwiches! Name-brand sandwiches below wholesale! Like-new sandwiches for used sandwich prices!
Over two-dozen euphemisms for eating to enhance your communication.
As the Republican race gets heated up and a little frisky, each candidate envisions their morality ensuring, fun crushing utopia a little different.
I don't plan on being attacked, as nothing can possibly see me if I crouch and keep a distance of at least ten feet. If I'm in the wild for a prolonged period, however, I will need to hunt for food. With a full quiver of Lord Of Rings War In The North arrows, I should be able to take down a lion of a decent enough size to keep me fed for weeks.
Balki Bartokomous advocates on behalf of the 99% on Mypos.
Players’ Choice Best Kill Award: Your votes have been tallied and you overwhelmingly selected Howard the Wolf Man for his killing of Masked Slasher. But Howard cannot be awarded for killing another player. This is the most basic Monstergeddon rule! Thus the award goes to our runner-up, the FunTown Phantom, for turning a security guard inside out.
Welcome to my office, son. Ol' Jeb said you popped out of one of them old-timey stasis pods that emerged from the burning scrap heap. Said he nearly died rescuing you from those bandits out there. You're lucky to be alive, that's for damn sure.
*** BaseballTrivia asks 'are we ready to begin?'
Celebrate the Hallowdays with a collection of creepy-crawly fetishes. You will learn things you cannot unlearn. Not for the squeamish.
What do the protesters of Occupy Wall Street want?
Getting the facts wrong is more helpful in an investigation than you'd think. Many a case has been solved at the outset by reading everything I had written about a suspect aloud, letting them correct me on every detail, including the line that said "did not commit the murder".
We just bought a zoo. WE JUST BOUGHT A ZOO. Nooooo why did we buy a zoo?! This is the worst anything ever. Why did you let me do this?
Holy Christ, I can't believe this. 62 Years of Beetle Bailey. 62 Intolerable Years of Beetle Bailey. All in one book.
Dear Mr. Mayor, I am a deeply spiritual person with a strong devotion to the Lord Jesus Christ. That monolith challenges what I know and believe in my heart, so I am asking your permission to shoot the monolith and shoot it dead. I have a gun, I have good aim, and I am a firm believer.
KRUT-5 News investigates the devastating effects of a new teen bullying sensation that could kill your child: the thing where someone crouches behind someone and then another person pushes the person over the crouched person.
Hilary Swank has apologized for attending the birthday of a brutal Chechen war criminal. Now it's his turn to reply.
Grunt, brothers. Grunt. It is time for the barbwire fence between genders to be rebuilt, and we have the perfect Tool Man to help.
Roger Ebert is a tremendously smart and talented man, capable of expressing tremendous insight with an easygoing writing style. Which makes his terrible New Yorker comic captions all the more puzzling.
A hot dog hurler is inspired by Hollywood and we are humbled by the hurler.
Of the many ghost stories penned by Groggery Gibbonman, surely none were better received than 'The Figure in the Fireplace,' a chilling verse first published in serialized form on the back of 'Sergio Cal’s Mystic Pastes of the Far East.' The hocus-pocus medicines ultimately proved unpopular due to radiation poisoning, but the hallowed rime remains!
Smash Mouth did it. They ate some eggs!
We check in with various occupy offshoot protests throughout the United States.
Two words: Laugh track. Three more words: Two laugh tracks. Combine them and you get: Three concurrent laugh tracks.
Cenegenics has done wonderful things for an elderly grandpa. He doesn't care how much his new body scares his grandson.
Hank Williams Jr.’s reworking of “All My Rowdy Friends” is perhaps the ultimate sports anthem; in fact, the only thing missing from this perfect summation of the prime-time, middle American football-watching experience is a woman crying hysterically in the background.
My new plan is to beg for sex. I'll stand on a corner with a sign saying 'Free Handjobs' and when people ask if I'm giving free handjobs I'll say no, I'm soliciting them.
On Wednesday, The Friend-- the mysterious local curiosity that has killed hundreds of locals over the last half century-- shuffled into Eureka for what some fear could be its final appearance.
Gov. Rick Perry is in a lot of trouble over the naming of a family ranch. How bad will you miss him if he goes?
As the primary caregiver within the university, you are responsible for helping thousands of students throughout the school year. To streamline the process and allow you to assist as many students as possible, here is a list of all ailments and corresponding treatments you are to encounter.
Blizzard rarely makes mistakes, which made it all the more surprising when they invited me to join the press beta for Diablo III.
He tried to make it work. His mistake was letting her go. Outside the apartment.
Yes, my mighty phallus has talons. But they are retractable, and I will not loose them. I know you have no interest in being gorily tattered during your passions (though I promise you the ecstasy is quite terrible). No, I will not rip your head off during sex. I don’t need to indulge this fetish to reach climax. Nothing can stop my fearsome climax!
Gladys Troutdale over on 55 Green has cultivated quite a garden. She's sitting on a ridiculous amount of food when you consider she's an old lady with no children and zero hope of ever finding a man. It's a shame to see all that fine vegetation going to waste on someone who is going to die soon, so you can follow my lead and help yourself.
California readers -- Come watch the band Smash Mouth eat eggs because of Something Awful!
CNN anchor and Situationist Wolf Blitzer tweets things and we keep them.
My sources have confirmed that the iPhone 5 is on the way, and that it will have a little face with pudgy cheeks that you can pinch. Everyone's favorite device is now cuter, and it has a tiny button nose that wiggles. Future revisions may include big blue eyes that sparkle and wink.
Dave McBride has been disrespected by the faculty at Dylan Public Schools and he is not going to take it anymore.
17% of all marriages fail because of Halloween-related adultery. Find out if you're at risk.
-Fixed a bug that would cause floppy ears to flip over the wrong way, requiring an operator to reset them to their default position.
Many people on the autism spectrum have a difficult time recognizing and responding appropriately to the facial expressions of others. This can result in misunderstandings, unintended offense and many other undesirable social situations. Something Awful is here to help.
Netflix is announcing some important changes to your account.
Sure, you’re getting some college degree, but why don’t you turn up the Lawrence Welk and learn about the day I got four tongue rings.
Susan and I plan on groaning on the floor of the cave all morning, our gaunt faces blank, the detached expressions of those who with little time left and less to live for. We'll try to get out of here early, swing by the supply shack to pick up some party hats and punch (do you need punch?) and arrive a little early to help you set up.
Something Awful brings you another installment of our reader-picked list of great video game characters. Expect to see some familiar faces and some surprising newcomers.
Exclusive, leaked details on the upcoming EA release of Populous 4: The Hand, a AAA first-person shooter from Bullfrog.
A questionnaire to determine which RPG video game character you are best suited to be.
Luigi is an all around good guy that has lived through some heavy shit. He is world weary and alone. He braves haunted mansions while hating himself for being too weak to confront his own personal ghosts. Rather than supporting his brother from a healthy distance, Luigi shadows Mario and lives vicariously through his failures and victories.
If Tower 7 falls and no one is there to hear it how can we be sure it really fell at all? What are they trying to keep from us?
A concerned citizen reaches out to our nation's leader for a third time.
Delivering bad news is a difficult but necessary part of my job. For every one exceptional dog present at our Kennel Fair Dog Pageants, we easily see one hundred dogs unworthy of advancing to the semifinals. Indeed, many of these dogs are not even worthy to continue living.
You emailed me offering an e-hug. I never replied because I've never been e-hugged by a man and I was worried I'd enjoy it a little too much, meaning I'd get addicted to male e-hugs and would spend the rest of my life in chatrooms cybering for them.
A Pound Puppies fan contends with the destruction of his original artwork and the casual bigotry of his stepfather.
I didn't bring my copper stealing gear and feral rottweiler here so that some mildly autistic turd like you could claim bottom bunk.
This time around Robocop is just another cop, but he's evil. We have Peter Weller reprising his role, puppeteered by Lance Henriksen and voiced by James Woods.
The great patriot brain trust in Washington D.C. is squaring off for a battle of ideas over who has the better plan for America's economy.
With all the well-deserved buzz surrounding HBO's ‘Games of the Throne,’ it's no surprise that everyone is very excited about author George R.R. Martin's announcement of his next novel, ‘A Guild of Men.’ Abandoning the oft-criticized waits between books, Martin is kicking it into overdrive, with ‘A Guild of Men’ expected in summer of 2021.
As many of you know, the economy has not been performing very well over these past couple of years. First of all: Sorry about that. True, it's been recovering in some areas, but the unemployment rate is still high, and a lot of average folks are poorer than ever.
Former Firefox Community Lead claims the browser has over 6,000 standing unconfirmed bugs!
An automated turret sits at the end of a hallway that you really want to explore. There's a ladies' bathroom, a computer full of emails just begging to be snooped through, and several dozen future candy bars and future beers strewn about on someone's office floor.
A newly-minted officer arriving in a front line unit confronts his commander over lax peanut allergy safety.
Just wanted to touch base with you re: next week's shooting. I've been crunching the numbers over here and feel we really need to synergize in order to come up with an effective game plan.
My former friend and fellow SA writer David Thorpe spent several months convincing me to join him in attending the Gathering of the Juggalos. Unfortunately for me, David Thorpe had been working the long con, and had no intention of ever going. I spent the entire event looking for him, and ended up missing most of the festivities.
Many believe that the West Memphis Three were convicted based on misleading evidence and small-town prejudices. However, the prosecutors in the case still maintain a genuine belief that the three men are guilty. Now, thanks to extensive investigation we know why: the West Memphis prosecutors were sitting on a mountain of additional evidence.
Decipher the many meanings of Ice-T's long career as a professional pimp, rapper and actor.
The 2011 Master Degree in Business Administration Draft is over. Here's this year's top picks.
Hey it's your neighbor! We've never actually spoken to one another, but of all the words that have violated your tender earholes throughout your entire life, more have originated from my bleating mouth than from all of your loved ones combined! Do you know why! Because I am constantly screaming!
Michele Bachmann's therapist husband discusses his excitement over the newly-released Conan the Barbarian movie.
The Wolf Man seals the entrances to his heart one by one until Frankenstein is a broken skeleton.
Today, Wednesday, August the 17th at 7:00 PM CST, Something Awful will appear in hundreds of movie theaters across America! Soon you will be able to watch two of our unreleased, animated shorts on the exact same movie screens previously used to show legitimately entertaining, professional films!
Rest in peace, Beloved IRC Pleasure Warrior and Great Friend
British Prime Minister David Cameron, an apparent expert on uprisings, describes how past civilizations succumbed to moral decay.
We now support high resolution monitors thanks to Stretch Mode. Enjoy Prodigy in HD with the licensed 8X Super Eagle filter! Also available: Gaussian Blur.
Tom Towler is just a small business owner trying to get by when his website is unfairly taken down by his web host. This is the story of his fight for justice.
Lawrence, Kansas native Helen Boczek has accumulated many musings during her 73 years on Earth. Here are some of them.
An anthology of Facebook posts by a man named Cloyd, a small-town gentleman who represents the soul of our nation. Could Cloyd be the greatest living American? Find out within.
Mr. Owlright, the mechamotivationalist, travels to Abilene, Texas, to give a talk on teamwork.
Suffer the heat and BO to win this year’s scavenger hunt. If you’ve ever wondered where the world’s Wheel of Fortune fans let loose or desired to see a live episode of Maury unfold before your very eyes, then go. Bring your camera, this list, and your sense of adventure and see how much you see.
Step One: Empty your bladder in a wide arc. The pungent scent of your urine will keep predators at bay. When night falls, it will also glow, providing a much-needed source of light.
The Newt Gingrich 2012 Presidential Campaign receives its campaign credit card statement.
‘I suspect your girlfriend Lindsey is Gremory, a Christian demon,’ Justin said. ‘He appears as a beautiful woman riding a camel.’ ‘Oh, Gremory.’ Brad sighed. ‘Yeah, she probably is.’ ‘Seriously,’ Justin insisted. ‘Lindsey's seductive, right?’ Brad shrugged. ‘I wouldn't call her seductive. Cute maybe.’ ‘And she rides a camel, right?’ ‘I think once.’
Excuse me, y'all. Excuse me. Can I have yer attention for a spell? Y'all can holster them guns, pardners. I mean no disrespect and no quarrel here. You see I done lost my horse and am, as you can imagine, quite despondent.
A lot has happened. Most importantly: Smash Mouth has agreed to eat the eggs! I'm serious! Also something about Guy Fieri and George Lopez.
In a year marked with cultural tombstones, none stands quite so ominous as the Battleship board game to movie adaptation.
My minor was in Hell Portals, and while I was not naive enough to think it would land me a job in the real world, it was nonetheless a fulfilling and eye-opening subject. As something of a liberal idealist I tended to argue against the opening of hell portals - much to the amusement of some of my classmates and professors.
A frustrated small business owner expresses his outrage about the dying character of small towns.
Brighten your day with an original story from one of America's most creative felons.
It's summer again and that means hot weather, angry hornets and an increased demand for quality presentations. Now more than ever businesses and individuals need quality Power Points presentations tailored to their every need, and nobody does a better job filling that need than Burt's PowerPoints.
This weekend, actor Matthew Lillard offered to pay $100 to punch me in the face. In this open letter, I accept the kiss of Mr. Lillard's money-filled fist.
Fox News is busy with the debt crisis and has asked Newscorp CEO Rupert Murdoch to fill in for missing Fox on Sex columnist Jenny Block.
For five months the owners and players have argued, fought, and sent awkwardly spelled tweets at one another. Now, with the lockout possibly coming to an end, it’s time to take a look back at the trivial squabbles that have gained the attention of about seven people
Brothers! Here we are on the cusp of war, a mere hundred dwarves standing between our homelands and the invading horde. Our weapons are dull, our hands untrained in combat. We have not had a decent nap in weeks. Our ale stores have diminished, leading many to suckle their beards for sustenance. Some have even resorted to water and vegetables.
Discover the world of traditional Chinese forecasts and advice by deciphering hexagrams 1 through 6 of the Fighting Game Character I-Ching.
One night my drive-thru headset fell in the shake machine. When I took it out, it was picking up monster voices. I told my manager Jeff, who said to change the battery and then went back in the office to do more coke even though he was trying to kick. To some people monsters aren't as shocking as to others.
When it comes to blasting out soulless Americana, no entity on this earth has a bigger and more industrious butthole than the Bradford Exchange. They are on some maddening quest to create the perfect item that so remarkably encapsulates the essence of America's schizophrenic spirit that reality itself collapses in on itself.
Wienermobile driving: the ultimate job for hotdog hotrods.
Our records show that your website SOMETHINGAWFUL will reach a larger audience and increase its profits by at least 400% simply by entering into an exciting promotional partnership. Give your visitors what they want with Club MixJam Promotions!
The proud 20-year history of a small town SWAT team.
Faithful monogamy is the cornerstone of reasonable society -- as proven by several Bob Jones University texts, megachurch P.R. agents, and Dave Berg of MAD Magazine's "The Lighter Side of..." section.
I found myself in a strange nursery or playroom. The toys were strange and alien. I was filled with joy, then fear; I was an infant. I sensed a presence at my side, like a guide or teacher. I looked over, and it was Matthew Lillard. He told me, without words, that everything would be fine.
We've finally reached a deal to avoid defaulting on the USA's debts, and man alive, you are gonna hate this stupid thing!
To those that are lonely, dejected, retired with too much time on your hands, hear me and obey. Though you need not the discount, need not the free one if you buy four at full price, with every nickel you save off the price of Sunny Delight, you too are saving yourself.
The impact of the NFL lockout extends far beyond fans of the sport. Sponsors, television networks, thousands of working class team employees, and Pittsburgh area rape kit suppliers will all be affected if the season doesn't begin as scheduled this September.
Steve and Zack announce this year's WTF, D&D!? fantasy artwork contest. Are you ready for an adventure?
A NEW ERA DAWNS! LANDOWNERZ is officially founded, featuring an all-star roster of farm sim pros. We aim to dominate the FARMING SIMULATOR 2011 scene like no other clan, so look out for us.
George Lucas recently claimed to have written 50 hours worth of content for a live-action Star Wars television show. In a perfect world he would have written half as much and surrounded himself with twice as many people that were willing to say no to his bad ideas.
Cordial invitations are given to specific, treasured passengers on the 8:20 Chicago CTA Red Line train.
The road we child bride enthusiasts walk is a narrow, lonely one, full of detractors and naysayers who seek to tear down the timeless institution of child marriage.
Most bad vacation spots are easily forgotten. Hampton Beach, New Hampshire is different. It leaves a bad taste in your mouth years later, like a Hubert Selby Jr. novel.
Bristol Palin accuses Levi Johnston of date rape in her new memoir. Now Levi is doing damage control and trying to get out his side of the story.
Green Lantern bombed, but the advertising gurus that created Jared and the $5 Footlong have a few backups.
Cursing under his breath, Tanner pulled up the bottom of the suspect's baggy sweater, revealing the man's actual arms. They had been taped to his sides. A hug smuggler - the sixth this week. Something big was coming, and Tanner was going to get down to the bottom of it.
Peer into the future with Google Future. See what happens in six years when Bitcoins are the predominant currency in the United States.
This revamped, average-looking model became known around the company as 'Butterface Barbie.' The office joke spread, and soon Butterface was given unique accessories, like a brown paper bag that could be placed on her head. The women who worked for Mattel did not find this as amusing as the men did, and eventually the entire concept was scrapped.
Where are you, Smash Mouth? Why won't you eat the eggs for us?
We've heard your complaints! The White People Project is committed to securing freedom and opportunity for tomorrow's white people.
Unfortunately, I get the feeling that Morgan Freeman's lack of formal scientific training comes through in his narration, bringing the credibility of his show down somewhat. You tell me if I'm being too harsh on the guy.
The mayor of Ciudad Juarez, Mexico's most violent city, responds to the discovery of another mass grave.
Mere child's cartoon, or life-changing phenomenon? You make the call.
The Wobbingpool constabulary would like to apologise most profusely if you were victimised in an offence. Please tick the box or boxes that best describes the offence or offences you have suffered, and we will assign a bobby to promptly sort the matter.
Over the weekend mercenaries were hired to launch an attack on Something Awful. They were paid in Bitcoins.
In this issue of Bouquet-Humping Monthly we've sure got a challenge for you! Two single hunks at the peak of their talent spill their guts in their search for a special hubba-hubba-hubba, and you, fabulous reader, get to pick whichever fits your fancy.
His reply was so devastating in its cleverness and so casual in its delivery that those closest to the point of impact dropped to the ground, their ears spurting blood. One man thanked the witty man for the quip even as seizures contorted his body.
After thousands of episodes, after defining the foundation of our reality, Adam and Jamie confront their final myth.
The cat traveled as far as he could walk, and when he came to the sea he swam. And when he tired of swimming he sank to the bottom of the sea, and there he met Neptune slumbering in his chamber. 'Oh mighty Neptune!' cried the cat, awakening the god. 'What marvels I have seen on my journey!'
A glorious day has dawned, faithful Carnivores! It is with great pleasure that I announce to you that my $1,000.00 challenge has been met! Ah, how this quest has eluded me for so long! At last, after years of searching, fate has seen fit to award me that most precious thing each Carnivore yearns for: The taste of a new meat.
Duke Nukem Forever swipes concepts from popular modern titles and crams them together without considering how the elements work together. The result is a unique version of the kitchen sink approach in which the developer adds infinite kitchen sinks without a kitchen counter or plumbing and hopes for the best.
Steve Harwell, please eat eggs on film. Please. We need it. Hundreds of us. Two dozen eggs, eat 'em how you like! Tasty eggs.
Some of you are just raring to explore the body of another man, to taste the sweet nectar of Miller Light, not from the mouth of a can, but from a mouth surrounded by a full beard and mustache. I am there and with you 100 percent.
Dorroile, the worst guy, has taken to a hobby most vile: the distribution of false District Bulletins, aimed only at bad laughs at the cost of Your Beloved Superiors. More vile yet, he even has hobbied thus: to create tracts of religion, masquerading as the teachings of our Lord God Swimp, sweet Cookie Bear who lives in the Moon.
Out of retirement? Sarah Palin hits the road for what may be her 2012 Presidential bid. Obama has destroyed America and Sarah may want to rule the ruins.
We'll Think Of A Name Later So Don't File This Placeholder Business License Application Corp and its international partners are excited and legally obligated to tell you about the biggest, most ACTION-PACKED recall of the modern era! For one reason or another nearly every product in our lineup has failed in SPECTACULAR fashion! Feel the rush!
The History Channel's popular series enters its second season with more of the quirky boys from the Florida Everglades who just want to have fun and grip critters. But be careful what you grip for...
"Ahoy, good bees!" shouted the wolf to the bees' nest. "Your safety is much impaired, your lives at risk! For there is far too much honey in your nest! Though sweet, it is the culprit in your weighty danger! If you do not lighten your load, certainly you will lose it all to catastrophe!" The bees buzzed in shock at the wolf's claim.
Oh how this war lingers on. I have seen things I dare not describe, for they would make you faint and weep at the same time. Horrors so cruel and vast they stagger the imagination.
A few modest suggestions for self-improvement from the latest Boeing military drone.
I've been putting together an idea for a movie that, quite frankly, could turn out to be the best film of all time. The pitch: A perfect movie that everyone loves. This concept seems like it might have potential. True, I've never made a movie before, but the idea holds up to scrutiny from every angle. It is, conceptually, flawless.
The Tennessee Department of Education implements the "Don't Say Gay" law championed by Republican State Representative Stacey Campfield.
Boys, I don't know how to tell you this, but I'm beginning to think that dogs just can't play basketball.
According to some billboards and a couple VERY EXCITED GENTLEMEN who like buying up billboard space, we're just a few days away from the Rapture, the big fancy factory recall of good souls.
The World Beard and Mustache Championships were this week, and BeardBeat was on the scene with all the hottest inside info on your favorite facial hair. Special thanks to beard correspondent Reid Paskiewicz, who came out of retirement to provide his inimitable beard and mustache coverage.
Nostalgia blogger Hansel Yarbough, born 1336, fondly recalls his youth spent watching wizard executions and avoiding the black death.
Here is your final essay. For an explanation of the grade please refer to attached rubric.
Everyone is talking about Thor. The country's obsession with this new movie has become so intense that you can't even visit the Thor Store and pick up a gallon of Thorberry Juice without hearing someone mention Thor.
Teenagers in Afghanistan catch zombie fever. Fariad is prepared to face the coming apocalypse.
The people posted in these YouTube videos actually exist. They're real. They're alive and doing stuff in the world right now.
As part of a request from the Shaggy Butte Mayor's Office to improve town morale, KRUT-5 is dedicated to airing at least one positive story about life in Shaggy Butte each month. These are some of those stories.
Richard Nixon and two close advisors discuss G. Gordon Liddy's discovery of a Native American device called a "dreamcatcher."
"Look out! It's a terrarium!" "I am fully immersed in this foyer!" Those were a few exclamations that people were likely to shout while playing Virtual Reality CAD.
The truth about bath salts and their safety facts about them to counter the lies put out by the media panic-mongers.
The pain of losing on Double Dare doesn't end when the cameras stop rolling.
Communication is important to getting your point across, and the #1 way to do that is with a Microsoft Power Points presentation. I am a professional desktop publisher with over 15 years in the business. I've made and sold more Power Points than can be expressed by mere numbers.
Hi boys, it's Lizzie, your favorite office mommy! Seems like a few members of our little workplace family have been taking a little too much advantage of the fun atmosphere, and maybe it's time to make a few rules!
Osama bin Laden receives the usual sunny obit afforded a departed celebrity.
If you find that you are tired of the music you have and you want to find a great new artist, load up an adult webcam site and ask for the name of the song that's blaring over the girl's microphone like a drive-thru apocalypse.
With an NFL strike looming the players may have a lot of free time on their hands. We look at what a few of our favorite criminal NFL players might be doing this summer.
Our Spring 2011 Catalog features fantastic savings on every type of crate you can imagine - and some you probably can’t. Although when you see them, you’ll wonder why you didn’t: They’re so simple yet elegant in design.
FREDERICK OXBOW, HAIR CUTTER, BEGS respectfully to inform all good Citizens and Criminals of Honor that he has become the Sole Licensee for using Duke's Patent Rotary Hair Threshing Apparatus, and diligently invites them to call and ENJOY A WONDERFUL EXPERIENCE!
The Cancer Centers of America has been having some problems with optimism among staff members. Luckily, they have devised guidelines to help restore appropriate behavior.
According to the video game press rumor mill, it's all but certain that Nintendo will announce a new console by E3 (June 7-9) at the latest. Some sites have even claimed that the rumor has been "confirmed" by anonymous sources, which has all the attention-grabbing power of an official confirmation without any of the journalistic responsibility.
There are at least 19 alternate realities. The good news is that Russell Brand has died in all of them. The bad news is that he's still alive in ours, and growing more powerful by the day.
The words no mother wants to hear: "Your child is a moron."
We at Blue River believe healthy competition is not a thing to be feared. The Red Potion of Greater Healing is a fine product which will deservedly put almost every other pharmaceutical company out of business almost instantly, but we have full faith in the time-tested ingenuity and competitive spirit of our world-class research department.
Club DJs will say anything to get people on the dance floor. Almost anything.
Dear Mama, just barely keeping my head above water doing day gigs in the back of a middle school classroom. Life is hard here in the city for an anatomical model, but I’ll be a big time Law & Order star soon. I promise.
Until now, only a fraction of the game's fatalities have been revealed through shaky handheld videos taken at loud gaming conventions. This article marks the first time that every fatality has been thoroughly documented in one place.
China's new movie and TV guidelines create opportunities for new and interesting TV shows to flourish.
Hey all! I’m new to the monster community (just returned from the grave), and I thought this little mixer could be a great way to get to know other creep peeps. I got the invite from some schoolmates who still think I’m human. They’re planning a scavenger hunt in this old rundown casino. Should be a nice relaxed environment to pick them off!
What if the greatest Twitter user of all time were a horse? It is.
You've finished the meal and realized you forgot your wallet. Don't panic and execute these lifesaving maneuvers from the SAS Field Manual.
When Dr. Bruce Banner enters a boxing tournament, things take a surprising turn as Hulk emerges at the opening of the first round! In the following action-packed pages, The Incredibly Verbose Hulk describes each and every blow landed by his opponent in pulse-pounding prose! Guest starring Muhammad Ali and The Monkees.
He may not be an elder, but Complains-to-Clouds is an 8th-Century Crow Indian Blogger and he is taking issue with using every part of the buffalo.
It is nice to sit and catch up with you again. But I am afraid things have gone from ghosts to goblins for Norma Fedlick. Real goblins, that is.
Mr. Mayor, if you're not going to have the thousands of little hairy men plaguing our streets arrested, could you at least have them provided with diapers or underwear. I'm tired of seeing their disproportionately large genitalia flailing around while they spit and jump up and down.
My friends are often fooled by the owlish sagacity of my baby’s countenance, but the baby is not wise. The baby fully witless and quite stupid even for a baby. The baby has voice both deep and calming and he offers awful quite bad advice in it. Lately, he is advised my friend Ollys to purchase a giant pink house full of cookies and puppies.
Metatro Veranu thanks you for purchasing the m3661do "Bubble", the most advanced death device known to man. Please refer to the enclosed instruction manual.
Starting tomorrow, squirrel, you’re cut off. On your own. That means no more rides, no more acorns, no more free Block Buster rentals.
I was looking forward to The Kennedys. After all, Oliver Stone's JFK was a pretty good movie, so a prequel was certainly welcome. Greg Kinnear as John Kennedy was an inspired casting choice, and Katie Holmes seemed like a natural fit due to her real world experience with ineffectually containing her husband's exploding brain.
Dilbert creator Scott Adams has landed in some hot water for a sexist blog post. Thankfully, he has posted more in his blog to correct the matter.
With great pride I invite you to join me for this, the inaugural edition of E. C. Fouke's Compendium of Meats & Edibles. I trust that in time this humble endeavor shall find its home beside the most treasured works of publication, and an indispensable companion to that most splendid of souls, the American Carnivore.
Gaddafi's English-language news aggregator offers a very personal and Libyan view of breaking news.
As the bully is placed in the stockade, I publicly declare that she will be hit about the face with one egg for every blow she has landed upon her victim. Soon, however, I declare that she will be hit with one egg for every egg that I possess.
What if Entourage was about Paul Giamatti and his entourage of Hollywood pals? Find out in this script from episode 108 - Paul's Stalker.
View the horrors of Hell with a cherubic child as your guide.
In case any of you get a mind to leave early, I should give you fair warning: I have employed a sharpshooter. His name is Ðâng Lành and he was one of the best solders the Viet Cong ever produced. I met him during my days in the war and was so impressed by his ability to capture and torment his enemies that I hired him on the spot.
Being inducted into Costco’s prestigious Gold Star program is one of the proudest achievements in my professional life, which is why it’s always front and center on my résumé.
A trip to the buffet can remind us all of the horrors that await in the steaming tray.
Congratulations on making it this far in the semester. But just because you do not have to see me, does not mean you can quickly slide back into your mongoloid modes of life. Here is your homework.
Peter Parker, a brilliant but shy high school student, went on a field trip to the New York Bug Hospital. As the empathetic youth reached out to comfort a spider that was recovering from a round of chemotherapy, the weary arachnid bit Parker's finger. Thus was born Sickly Spider-Man.
Peter Payne updates everyone on the post-tsunami condition of the J-List headquarters as it drifts out to sea.
To celebrate the booziest of occasions, St. Patrick's Day, Something Awful's Worm Miller sat down with a man who takes the holiday very seriously. Roger Schramm holds the public office of Town Drunk in the city of Costa Vista, California.
Democracy 2.0 comes to foreign policy initiatives. Now you can vote on your favorite foreign policy proposal.
When Dragon Age: Origins, the most old school PC RPG-ish RPG in years, sold more copies than Mass Effect 2, it was an encouraging sign. After all, if a game with counter-spells, trap disabling, and +1 rings could succeed to such a degree in the current market, my life might have some meaning.
Why does the maker of trash bags have a game on their website? To reinforce gender stereotypes and advocate garbage bling, of course.
Special Guest Writer Josh "Thunderbeard" Pugh reports from deep within tick country on nature's least-misunderstood abomination.
After two and a quarter years in the forest, nude as a lion, killing thousands of God's creatures and extincting several species, I hereby return to business. I pledge to translate my demented thirst for death into the lowest prices and fairest dealings in this noble industry. I AM THRILLED TO RETURN!
Madeline shares a few words with mom and dad over the disappointment of her new pony.
Thank you for buying Interactive Grandpa v5.2, the most interactive grandfather program available for public use. We are sorry for any inconvenience. Listed are the solutions to the most common Grandpa related errors.
I'm swept up in the human tidal wave, my hand one of millions making grabby motions for an iPad 2. The only problem is that I just can't decide on a model to go with. They all seem so great! If you've already picked one, maybe you can help me figure out which one I should thrust my credit card toward and grunt greedily.
VRRRRR! Dirty hippies revving a motorized sex toy menace the career of a Northwestern University professor.
She took a bite of her sub, then put her hand on mine. It felt creamy and smooth, from the mayonnaise. Her legs were crossed: one swung freely, her heel dangling precariously. The other heel tapped a syncopated rhythm that served as a breakbeat to my heart, which cycled furiously; fueled by Splenda and a thousand lonely nights, but mostly Splenda.
Yo! So you want to hire a REAL PRO ACTOR for your TV SHOW OR FILM MOVIE? Well look no further! You've tried the rest now mess with THE BEAST!!! I'm a CELEBRITY TV STAR and my STAR IS ON THE RISE LIKE THE MOON! Call me THE MOONMAN!!!
Super Patriot Don Larry subjects himself to the 2011 Oscars and offers commentary and criticism of the Hollywood establishment.
Watching a mother cradle a necromorph baby will NOT haunt my nightmares until I die
You're a magazine enthusiast, but find yourself lacking the time and coffee table space to accommodate every publication out there. This is the magazine that's made for you.
Gaddafi is facing troubled times in Libya, which is why he needs us more than ever.
Groggery Tirade "Grog" Gibbonman was hailed by his contemporaries as a master of poetic rhythm. Of particular note are his nursery rhymes, the first printed collection of which was presented to the young sons of Sultan Aleksivus III via messenger as an act of war.
This week in Fox on Sex, Steve Doocy of Fox and Friends returns to fill in for columnist Jenny Block.
Fellas, those Harlem Globetrotters are working us over. I actually saw children in the stands laughing at us. Laughing! It's time to turn things around. We're down by 38, sure, but if we get out there and execute fundamental basketball, I honestly believe we can pull this one out and improve our series record to 2-13027.
I speak to you in reference to Wednesday's political debate held in Oak Grove High's gymnasium. Surely you were wondering why my fearsome presence was not felt in the room. And just as surely you will share my violent outrage when I inform you that I was denied entry, despite my proclamation that I am running for the office of Comptroller!
Events in Egypt have General Petraeus and the whole Army gang in Afghanistan talking about a change of venue.
Deus Ex: Human Revolution is shaping up to be a worthy successor to 2000's classic game about trench coats, invading personal computers and women's bathrooms for no good reason, and the moral implications of genetic implants in a society where no one is able to bend their back, even in death.
Welcome to RockTalk, the Internet's home for hardened earth enthusiasts.
Our friends at the Bradford Exchange, a sort of Caligulan celebration of humanity's thirst for garbage, have honed in on what it means to express love. Their scientists have concocted a terrific medley of gifts that say romantic things like "I love you" and "I know you still yearn to return to the Glory Days of the Confederacy."
Veteran mission astronaut AJ Tucker describes the exciting discovery of earth-like planets outside our solar system.
Learn everything you need to know about writing during our busy day of events
Charlie Sheen's PR group has been waging a valiant effort to blur the lines between the actor's drug-addled, physically abusive real-life behavior and the fantasy of a good-natured normal guy whose perfectly innocent actions have been misinterpreted by the entire universe for seemingly no reason.
The easiest way to understand the universe is to break it up into smaller chunks. Especially since it's already been done for you. We call these chunks "rooms." They're the basic unit of our existence. All of the important events in our lives take place in them. Rooms are everything.
CARNIVAL FUNHOUSE been nigh on 30 years since the carnival closed. Mirror maze available to tenant with strong constitution. Lots of wasps swarming in there and it's hard to tell which ones are real and which ones are reflections. $1200/month for unit pending thorough credit check. 555-9239
35% of Americans believe they're bound for great fortune. Sorry, old chum, but it isn't going to work out that way.
Please don't be alarmed. You were in a terrible accident. We have revived you from stasis, repaired your tissue damage, and removed the embedded bits of fruit stand debris. It is the future, and our advanced society may prove too much for your recovering brain to take in all at once.
The oppressive regime in Egypt has shut down the country's Internet to stifle an uprising. Maybe they have the right idea.
What happens when two Something Awful writers use a shaky time-travel premise to explore the oddities of the future?
I had the great privilege of sitting behind the president during the address, and felt the power of his words. I admit, I was a bit distracted at times. If you saw me smiling early on, it's because I just couldn't stop thinking about that Jalapeno Smokehouse Bacon Burger they've got at Chili's. I've had my eye on that son of a gun all week.
Sometimes it takes an idiot to advocate getting rid of all the idiots.
Tens of thousands audition for American Idol, but the only contestants that matter are the ones with A Story. Having A Story means that you have faced some sort of difficulty at one point in your life (unlike everyone else) and therefore deserve a prolonged tearjerker video segment along with a greater chance of winning a singing contest.
A Green Bay Packers fan writes home from the stands of Soldier Field to a wife barely remembered after 20 days of the NFC Championship.
There is no way to describe the brutal urge to kill. Once it had been satisfied, or spent, I became myself again. Basically, I was a decent person. I had good friends. I led a normal life, except for this one small but very potent and destructive thing - I loved 'Crash.'
Some of you have had the audacity to question my decision to take some of the older boys on a "field trip" to the Bouncy House. It's amazing any of you would question me, since I was upfront about where I was taking them. Are that many of you really not familiar with local strip clubs? What other Bouncy House would I mean?
Pet food has never been more adventurous than the new line of wUff gourmet pet foods. Taste them or spend the rest of your life wishing you had.
Supreme Overseer Leader is the foremost authority on all bug shipping within the sector. His gaze knows no limits, his icy grasp is absolute and inescapable. He currently resides in a cozy chalet with his life partner, an eternally screaming medical skeleton named Judith.
Join The Buckets, the premium job site for people earning $10,000 or less and employers with jobs paying $10,000 or less.
Thank you for reading this. It took me a long time to find your address as I do not have a computer or know what they do.
I've seen a lot of weird things in Washington over the past 40 years. At first I thought the weirdest thing was seeing how Newt Gingrich always takes his shirt off before he goes to the bathroom, even if he's just doing a number one. But in the past two years I've observed something even stranger: Progress, and lots of it.
12/22/10 COMBM-40321: Improved venting technology in Pizzeria Pretzel filling assembly chamber to prevent further explosions. Previous explosions may have been due to introduction of pressurized pepperoni gas into highly flammable petroleum-based marinara wax.
Gunwitch, inventor of the Way of the Gun pick up artist method, refuses to take responsibility for the actions of assassin Jared Lee Loughner.
Funland is not responsible for loss of life/bowels, conversion to foreign, exotic religions, or the immediate desire to purchase a Coldplay CD (available at giftshop.)
Your eyes grew large with concern and you immediately told me to put the flier back, but I didn't. I walked over to the stack and pretended to place it on top of the others, secretly folding it up into a paper football. That's why I was carrying a football for the rest of the shopping trip. It wasn't even real, it was that advertisement.
Congressman Boehner, and his three droogs, Bachmann, Cantor, and Allenwest, indulge in a bit of the ultraviolence and settle a brewing power struggle.
Fear not, ladies! Grrl Monthly has composed a fail-proof test to help you sort through the questions of your love life! Is he prince charming? Is he the king of losers? Should you marry him? Should you be running for the hills? All shall be answered herein!
Saw Jared Leto enter a vintage clothing shop, only nobody noticed so he left and then entered again more dramatically. Still nobody else saw, so after like four more times finally someone noticed and then he pretended to be more surprised than they were.
Dead birds? Dead fish? Send in the raccoons and pray for the best. It's y'all's only hope in the Hillbilly End Times.
Nah, I don't need to turn around. It's just rocks. Rocks can't damage this beard, or these sunglasses, or this baseball cap. Hold on, I'm getting new intel on rocks... OH SHIT!