The influential science fiction author successfully predicts what the Internet will be like.next year.
"What the? That one over there is taller! And it's got a slide!"
The Pulitzer Prize winning author of The Road turns to writing ad copy for a sex toy website.
Take a step into the chilling world of competitive dog ugliness.
Enjoy Something Awful's year-end roundup of awesome viral lists of totally WIN stuff from 2012! Featuring the HOTTEST celebs, the FAITH IN HUMANITYEST tweets and the WINNEST things you remember from the 90s!
Oh, on Christmas morning you woke up, walked downstairs and opened presents while your parents watched? How quaint.
Famously fun-loving Tom Bombadil vents over being cut from all Tolkien film adaptations he does.
At the end of The Shawshank Redemption, Andy Dufresne has finally escaped from prison. He emerges from the pressing filth of a tunnel and lifts his face to the falling rain, his arms outstretched as if to embrace the open world before him.
It's December 21st, 2012. There are ten billion jokes and nobody is laughing, except the Mayans.
While listening to the decrepit pastor detail the origin of the Xian godling, I made the perplexing discovery that Xmas is not in fact a celebration of the fabricated super-being Santa Claus. Furthermore, I had been entirely unaware of the similarities between Xian sub-god Jesus and myself. Golan the Insatiable is the clear better in this contrast!
Following a dramatic year of upheaval and loss, Shaggy Butte’s drinking fountain enthusiasts look back on the town’s best and worst places to grab a sip of water.
I have had lots of dream trouble lately but my confessions may help me rest.
That guy you've been meaning to un-friend on Facebook for months has some ideas about how to prevent school shootings.
Not having been stabbed by a gang member is easily one of my greatest accomplishments. People who know me well often tell me that it's my defining characteristic. When they think of me, which is rare, it's the only thing that comes to mind. What's my secret?
What if all the TED talks and blog posts turn out to be true and we are headed for a technological singularity? You're going to want to know how to date.
All the best of this year's overpriced, irritating novelties.
The head of the NRA responds to the remarks of Bob Costas and explains how NFL player Jovan Belcher's girlfriend would have survived if she were a perfect instrument of death-dealing Ryushin.
If all goes according to plan (an awful, terrible, plan) the New Orleans Hornets are going to become the New Orleans Pelicans. This bold move is one of self-sacrifice, immediately taking the Washington Wizards and Toronto Raptors off the hook for having the dumbest team names in the NBA.
Not every movie can feature a time-traveling DeLorean or an alien-squashing APC. We have a slow-moving, asymmetrical parade of the worst vehicles of science fiction.
As part of my probation for my recent drug arrest, I have to spend a day with a heroin addict. After shooting up, he says we need to go somewhere. I assume it's to score more heroin, but instead we end up at the supermarket.
GENUINE DOG EGGS are yours for the low price of $50 each. Put 'em in your incubator and watch adorable puppies pop out. Not my fault if they look like lizards. 555-8257
I have a job now doing Pig Care for the mayor. His prized pigs can't be beat!!!
Recent rumors about a big box store coming to Mogadishu force a local shopkeeper to come out in defense of the city's weirdness.
To be honest, Cyber Monday has always struck me as a very dumb thing with an equally dumb name. After all, given our cyber-driven world shouldn't every day be Cyber Monday? Also, why isn't there a White Cyber Monday?
Laziness leads to political trouble for a transgendered lawmaker in New Hampshire.
Fighting back against the pod-focused feminist agenda.
UnFenced is the world's largest professional cowboy networking site, connecting you to trusted pardners all over the lonesome frontier.
There is only one problem with Dave Navarro’s hair: It is on Dave Navarro.
Norway political murderer Anders Behring Breivik, enduring terrible torture in Norway's toughest prison, reviews pizzas available to him.
Traveling is probably the best way to go to a place. I'd be hard pressed to think of a better way to get somewhere. The only problem is that traveling requires you to do things and make decisions from time to time. Sure, it's a hassle, but don’t give up just yet!
From Hemingway to Stephenson to the author of Fifty Shades of Grey; alternate authors imagine Lovecraft's Necronomicon.
Every time I visit your store to buy a six pack of Twisted Tea you laugh at me. Just because I drink alternative tea doesn't mean I'm some kind of freak.
I have tried all of SkyMall's complicated head and neckware, and this is by far the least uncomfortable. The main benefit of this product is that there are no extra parts putting pressure on your eyeballs, grinding away at your scalp, or blasting your head with lasers.
I got into a milk match with a real piece of work named RUSTY.
"Altoids have no effect on energy levels. Even with 8 of them in my mouth..." Game developer Nick "Ulillillia" Smith takes Something Awful to task for our parody of Lifehacker featuring Ulillillia.
"Let me get this straight: It's the world's biggest diamond, in a safe owned by none other than Robert E. Lee? Of course I'm in on this heist."
We take a look at the hottest technology hitting the market in 2013.
Find out what's happening in the world of America's 12th most popular extreme animal exhibition.
With last week’s election, it became official: American freedom is a thing of the past. Barack Obama will spend the next four years driving the final stake through the heart of a once proud nation. Therefore, I, John Donderondo, am committing to totally disengage from all liberals and liberal institutions from this day forward.
NHL, just to be clear, you’re pretty much responsible for every spouse found dead in a trailer park from now until the Philadelphia Flyers skate again
Meet the factive and fictive voices that inhabit the heads of people on tumblr.
Some of the Internet's biggest babies. Now with 400% more dads!
Was your hero's mask made of transparent plastic? That would be Blown Cover Lass. Her considerable strength is fueled by rage and bafflement over the fact that so many people know her secret identity.
The scientists may say our bombs are not powerful enough, the philosophers may question the ethics of exterminating a sentient species, but if we stand together, no force field can stop our weapons, no swarm of plasma-spitting fighters can turn back our jets.
The new 'miracle' hair care product Nioxin has some severe side effects that everyone should be aware of.
It's been a relentless election cycle filled with endless polls, a deluge of attack ads, twists, turns and surprises galore. Yesterday, citizens finally had the opportunity to cast their votes and decide the future of the nation.
Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka tosses around $5 to see how many people will sell their dignity and lie about a product that makes no sense and does not exist.
After much deliberation, Something Awful is pleased to announce our endorsement for President 2012. This candidate has everything America needs.
Michael Skupin promised his team that he would provide food. After a week they caught on to his lie, realizing that the plates he handed them only contained imaginary steaks. To make matters worse, an emotional Skupin admitted that the steaks were laced with imaginary poison.
New York Times statistics wizard Nate Silver has been making some wild predictions about his upcoming date with Stephanie.
Last night had so many highlights! The most collective kills in Monstergeddon history, you guys! Congratulations to everyone! And the message boards are already humming with discussion about the Masked Slasher’s triumphant return from the grave. But I know, I know, let’s get on with things, right? You want to know who won the awards!
It has come our attention that certain white people are very confused about when it is and isn't appropriate to use the "n word." As a service to our readers, we've prepared a comprehensive FAQ with detailed directions for nearly every situation in which the word might be used.
One’s a scam-laced “dating” site that preys on late night stoners and depressed Quizno shift managers. The other is about cats. Which one is right for you?
CNN Situation Room anchor Wolf Blitzer tweets about his job, politics and his feelings. These are his actual tweets.
A can of food! I brush past the chatty woman, focusing on the container. It's some sort of processed whale. I inhale the whole thing at once. It flies off the floor, spinning in the air as it enters my face.
Burke tries to explain his motivations after being caught trying to bring alien embryos back to earth.
Spooky Steve returns for this fourth update in his ongoing look at holiday audio entertainment.
Effective immediately: I cannot be killed and I will never die. I will run this soup company until the earth is a fiery hellhole and I am the last living thing.
Before you run out and grab an outdated tattoo, read our 2013 buyer's preview!
Are you a guy in need of some answers to tough questions? Well nothing is tougher than a man. Himformation has the truth for bros.
After performing in the entertainment industry for decades as Snoop Dogg, a man experienced a profound spiritual enlightenment. He found Jah, and through his newfound rastafarianism, was reborn as Snoop Lion. Now he has a music video for microwaveable snacks.
I am Matt Romney and I approve this disintegration.
Livin' with a corpse ain't easy.
SHAGGY BUTTE - When Dan Huhl borrowed his teen daughter’s cellular phone to make a phone call to the girl’s mother, he got much more than a friendly phone call. He got a shocking eyeful that still haunts him to this day.
Which flannel fits your lifestyle?
Fact-checking organization Politifact weighs in on the promos being cut by Hulk Hogan and Macho Man as we approach the deciding confrontation of Wrestlemania V.
"Sir, is it in fact your testimony that a large man on a pony can outrun a regular sized man with rollerskates? Keep in mind that you are under oath."
David Siegel, a CEO who lives in a replica of Versailles, sent an email out threatening to fire his employees if President Obama is reelected. Now we have a liberal CEO demanding the reverse.
This fall has enough promising ideas and spectacular failures to suit anyone's taste. Well, just about anyone's taste. There still isn't a reality series documenting Terry Gilliam's ongoing efforts to make a Don Quixote movie.
It's not exaggeration when I say a moment of truth is fast approaching. An important journey that began some years ago is reaching a decisive point. I don't know how it's going to turn out, but I know one thing: I'm deeply optimistic.
Over 300 completely free CB handles ripe for the pickin', good buddy.
The variety of satanic rituals being conducted across America in the 1980s was thankfully captured by media of the time. Now we can reverse-engineer the rituals and relive the power.
An interview with the woman who is the new face of being stuck in a kitchen cupboard.
You've been holding out on me, but as vaguely friendly coworkers I think it is high time you tell me what I've been wanting to know.
In this Something Awful exclusive, learn what's going through the mind of America's 65-year-old multi-millionaire comeback kid as he prepares for a captive nation eager to collect their Halo 4 avatar awards for sitting through hours of non-answers and patronizing smirks.
Reviews of the Shaggy Butte Public Library Fountain from Spigot.us, the web's finest source for informed opinions on the hippest local drinking fountains.
Welcome to the Tumblr Botnet Control Center. From here you have access to the millions of drone accounts that blog and reblog daily.
If you support the cause of social justice you are going to love this fun, new way to identify people with privileges and make the labels stick.
Through the ESRB's detached, nearly alien explanations of the events that take place in video games, I believe that we have the most insightful perspective on what it means for a human being to make love.
Bacon makes everything better. More better than you can imagine. So much better, you will wonder if you were even alive before bacon.
We asked several notorious serial killers to tell us the scariest things they could think of. Beware, their answers are not for the faint of heart.
Reviews of the Shaggy Butte Public Library drinking fountain from Spout.ly, the foremost source for expert opinions from dedicated drinking fountain enthusiasts.
Internet people had fun with a Garfield "live chat" recently. Have a look at the postmortem!
America is divided into the makers and the takers. Do you sleep in hammocks? Guess which side you are on in the class war.
Having a problem with The Eddie Murphy Role Playing System or one of its critically acclaimed modules (Crimson Lords Of The Undertide Crater, The Secret Treasure Of Captain Boss Killingblow, Mega Troll Invasion)?
A look back at 1990's forgotten side-scrolling action game "Drug Exterminators" for the NES.
It's the right thing to do, and the right guy to do it to.
Romney's not backing down from his "47 percent" remarks-- in fact, that’s not the only demographic Mitt has decided not to bother with. In the full version of the hidden-camera video, he mentions several other buckets of the population who he’ll probably never win over.
Yo, do you love hilarious signs? Get a load of these funny road signs from around the 'net. Be sure to share on Facebook!
Archeologists have recently unearthed several scrolls that use one form of masterful art to describe another.
When two truckers discover a magical device that allows them to speak to one another even though they are far apart, nothing will ever be the same.
Sean Smith, known as Vilerat to SA goons, was killed in the line of duty in Libya. This is how we knew Vilerat.
"What trickery!" the butcher cried as he tore the makeshift ‘Wanted: Apprentice’ sign down from its place. "I made no such sign! And if I had, then even so, a raccoon would make for no honest apprentice! "Then why do you hang that other sign?" asked the raccoon, and again he pointed. And there it was, a sign that read "Wanted: Raccoon Apprentice.”
Before you is the top secret log of historical changes presided over by the Society of Amateur Time Travelers. We endeavor to protect the timeline from malfeasance and tampering, and strive to witness firsthand the greatest moments in history.
Stop reading the blogs! This is a better list of the best Twitter users you probably don't know!
The iPhone 5 is the only thing that can fulfill my meaning as a human being. I don't just want it; I need it to be happy.
Some people say that the guests on my television show are predatory snake oil salesmen, that I abandon my ethics every time I stand before an audience of displaced Oprah fans and shill for pseudo-science while proclaiming that western medicine is closed-minded. Others have not seen the show.
The Democratic Convention in Charlotte is over. Was it a big winner for dems or will this be even less impressive than Paul Ryan's definition of "climb"?
Hey kid. Looks like this is your first day at the old Chuckaroonie. Yeah, I prefer to not give my actual name -- already got too many people that know I work here. I don't care about your story, but the only reason you're talking to me is because I did fifteen in the can for manslaughter.
Health code violations for Leonardo's FunTyme Fried Chicken Playground N' Upscale Italian Bistro
I've always wanted to write Batman comics, but it's tough to break into the industry. In case anyone from the comic book world is out there, here's an impressive list of really creative Batman ideas.
Hundreds were horribly killed and thousands were sickened after failing to heed the warnings about the dangers of BPA.
The Administration and Ulga, our Ukrainian high-class escort, understand that many of you had plans that involved families and hotdogs. Unfortunately sacrifices have to be made what with the economy being this bad and stuff.
If you have not experienced the pleasure of seeing a sloth, your life is incomplete. The beast itself is essentially an out-of-shape monkey with a weird neck and dumb face. Shaggy Chewbacca-like hair covers its entire body like a bad wig.
The Republican Convention in Tampa closes. Clint Eastwood babbles, Rubio wows, but is Romney human?
Oleg makes me fallguy for soda machine prank. Time to even the score.
For those of you who missed the big NASA press conference last night, I went to the trouble of taking some detailed notes. It has been an especially stressful time for NASA given the disaster that occurred, and you can tell they are straining to come up with solutions to help the astronauts and cosmonauts still in danger.
The south will rise again, in white-painted formations, roaring over the desolate badlands of Texas.
People are burning down the cities in which they live. Blind rage compels them to turn on one another. They drop to their knees in the rubble-strewn streets and claw at their own flesh as they moan, unseeing eyes rolling back into their heads. The outcry for a modern video game about cavemen and dinosaurs is tearing apart humanity as we know it.
Wearers of the foot-shaped shoe unite! It's time to stop letting the bicyclists run us down and treat us like second class citizens.
Lessons in life, from the master of money.
I know this says it is for dogs, but that probably just means it works twice as good on humans like every other dog product. Can I safely fill my mouth with this stuff? I'm going to try it and assume I can. Here I go.
The life of J.F. Swanton brims with deed and circumstance! Never before have I had so many evil acts to report, and to write of each in detail would overfill this newsletter to a state of bloody bursting, like the bladder of an elk suffering the horror of my patented Agonizing Urine Reversal Trap (pg. 12).
Rape abortions: the wisest topic of discussion for elderly, male, ultra-conservative politicians with a loose grasp of anatomy.
You’ve come to the fair offering crafts. In the August heat with your diabetic socks, you have the insane ability to see the possible worthless knick-knack hidden within everyday garbage. Months spent in your Craft Lair of a basement gluing beads to stuff for this moment. Time for you to monetize third grade art class!
Ladies and gentlemen of the board. Greetings. Mom, Dad, thank you for showing up. Your "We Love You" banner does not come anywhere near the measurements that I specified. Holy shit, you guys. Not even close. Still, your hearts are in the right place, and I reluctantly acknowledge that.
Megadeth's Dave Mustaine has a dire warning about recent mass shootings and the future actions of the Obama administration.
Twenty years ago this very day, back on August 16, 1992, the supernatural community lost a true icon when Ashley Campbell pushed Mortimer ‘The Church Retreat Maniac’ Vorchek into a live volcano. It seemed like every year Morty would get killed (often by Ms. Campbell), and this death seemed especially absurd, but sadly it stuck. We miss you, Morty.
Society member Burt fixed a very miniscule and hardly noteworthy historical deviation in the timeline that caused Emily Dickinson to be devoured by a Tyrannosaurus rex.
My Favorite Cats that I'm friends with now.
Paul Ryan is a fitness machine. Get on that P90X routine and get pumped the Paul Ryan way.
You have reached the Super Friend Hotline, where all the loneliest superheroes are pretty much just sitting around and awaiting your friendship. Listen to our eager heroes introduce themselves, then press a number on your touch-tone phone to connect with your favorite one now!
The OUYA has received millions in funding, now find out what games will be first to the $99 console.
A history of embarrassing Presidential nicknames throughout the ages.
I got this for my horse who has been under a lot of stress lately. Long story short we are no longer on good terms. What a terrible product. I will not be recommending this head/eye scratcher to others and I am a very influential person.
NBC's Bob Costas interviews retiring Olympic champion Michael Phelps on his incredible career, his post-Olympic future and his inevitable decline and suicide.
Former ISS Mission Commander AJ Tucker comments on the successful landing of the Curiosity rover on Mars.
NBC approached Olympic coverage like a college freshman approaches midterms. Sloppy, uninterested, and possibly drunk. But they spent a billion dollars for this so you're going to listen to Bob Costas explain a weird dream he had and you're going to like it.
While the cart is in motion, keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle - unless there is something that you really want to grab or kick. For instance, a bodacious cake shaped like a tight butt falls out of the sky, or a different cake descends, this one in the form of a soccer ball.
The Huffington Post finds sources anywhere it wants. Even inside diapers.
Last year, The Pirate Bay opened a “physibles” section for objects that you can download and make with a 3D printer. Here are some of the highlights so far.
Mr. Olive Garden, I have traveled to the furthest reaches of time and space to bear witness to a barren universe robbed of its galaxies, stars, nebulae and wonder.
How to live by yourself as an adult might.
In the high-stakes world of birthday entertainment, Mr. Haw Haw commands a high price and demands good accommodations.
Individuals who claim to have been physically attacked by their loyal Robot Buddy must fill out this form before matters can proceed. This will undoubtedly be a very stressful time, given your frail and unpredictable human emotions. With that in mind, please fill out the form with the assistance of your Robot Buddy.
The Australian technology TV show "Beyond 2000" was exported around the world from 1985 to 1999. Look back on the amazing technology of the future.
Channel Zero offers news from the teen point of view. Join our team of accomplished teen investigative reporters as they educate and entertain about issues most relevant to teens, like shopping, hanging out, planking, and suicide.
The men in this town have no decency. I used to think there were some upstanding gentlemen here, but now every man from here to Welpsburg is tearing his clothes off and acting mad as all get out in that fountain. I don't see what's so special about that young lady's singing. It makes my ears hurt.
Doo~tsu! A collection of sitcom character bios from Japanese Wikipedia. "Sometimes and especially Homer, the father does not quite fit the horse, to crack paternity."
Need relationship advice? Look no further than the graffiti scrawled on the bullet-riddled walls of your favorite zombie video games.
It’s like I’m wandering through your highly curated collection of thrift store rejections.
It's hard to believe that nearly thirteen years have passed since Wild Wild West captured the imaginations of moviegoing audiences worldwide. Now the film only lives in our memories. It spreads from person to person, around campfires and on impromptu stages by traveling play actors.
Find out what is hiding inside presidential candidate Mitt Romney's unreleased taxes.
"Cashier 'Wolfman' greeted me with an enthusiastic growl and feverishly punched in my order on his touchscreen. I have to say I was impressed by his vigor. My order was made wrong, but this is hardly Wolfman’s fault. If those grill workers had half his dedication, they’d read their slips correctly."
Adds just the right amount of maturity and beauty to my living room, which is sort of mostly Spider-Man themed. I like this table and may continue to gravitate towards a female legs motif and phase out the Spider-Man stuff, depending on how things go with dates. Keeping an open mind and open heart.
Turns out cats are pretty good. Check them out if you like cats.
Bird-brained paleontologists keep discovering fossils to ruin the reputation of dinosaurs.
In a delightfully immoral and illegal secret facility, nearly a dozen breeds of dinosaurs have successfully been cloned. By nearly a dozen I mean eleven. Exactly eleven.
Dark Knight Rises writer David S. Goyer has picked you to play the villain in the new installment of Call of Duty: Black Ops.
In this Something Awful exclusive, check out what the Kings of Webcomicry plan on bringing to their most benevolent fanatics.
I'm tired of dogs getting all the best places to s***. Why can't we humans have it good for once? I bought one of these for personal use & I'm not ashamed. Not one bit.
Dorroile, the worst of our guys, has really done a big one this time, and most gingerly must we avoid stepping in it.
Join the devoted Bluetooth wearers and find out when you should be sticking the tooth in your ear.
Do *not* try to beat summer without reading this guide first! 100% Completion, hidden items! How to level up Tan without getting hurt!
The guy created some of the most memorable comic book characters of all time. He can appear in as many ill-considered movie scenes as he wants. Besides, his cameos aren't always dumb. Sometimes they're surprisingly great.
Finding a safe way to invest your savings is increasingly difficult, but helium is the recession-proof resource.
This is your chance to become a kickass minion in the cabal of Golan the Insatiable! In compliance with article 7b of The Golan Act, we're no longer called The Raping Fist of Golan. We're just The Fist of Golan. But as an organization we have more to offer than ever! Join now and you’ll receive this ‘I Am a Finger in the Fist of Golan’ T-shirt!
Burt's PowerPoints is proud to announce its INDEPENDENCE DAY SALE! Today only all of Burt's most valuable and coveted custom PowerPoints presentations are marked down and priced to sell. Need to communicate something important? Big or small, funny or serious, Burt has a PowerPoint to fit your every whim and fancy.
Exclusive advance text of the highly-anticipated CERN announcement of July 2012.
It is toxic and potential career suicide for celebrities to say Hitler had some good ideas, but, well...
Although we all have our own weird body issues, we're mostly fine. Really, we are - as long as we keep reasonably active, eat food that isn't entirely plastic, and apply at least one basic grooming tool to ourselves every few days. Until we hit our late twenties and early thirties, that is. Then all bets are off.
The commander of an undead legion besieging a castle condemns the casual bigotry of those within its walls.
When the ghosting gets rough, this family doesn't get going.
Just a face? Heh. Let me know when you get below the neck, then we'll have some business to conduct, SkyMall.
An exhaustively researched collection of the final earthly utterances of each deceased US President.
The woman who reviewed the Olive Garden for the Grand Forks Herald turns her attention to HBO's True Blood.
The Fast Pass lets you ditch in line on all the rides. For fifty bucks, it’s the equivalent of owning a private jet and cutting off a Boeing 747 on the runway.
Pardon me. I'm here from out of town with my kids, and I just have to ask. What's the significance of this city's name?
You aren't getting very sleepy. You're sort of getting annoyed. And why does this hypnotist's office have so many ants in it?
"Hey, I think my water bottle rolled into your stall. Can you hand it back?" "Sure ... no wait." "What?" "My hand, it's been in my groin region..."
America is in the grip of election fever again. All across this great land our citizens face some truly difficult choices in the voting booth. One election is not so simple, and the choice couldn't be more clear. Vote for me, humble American, for unlike my opponent...
Welcome readers! I am Michael Bloomberg, mayor of glorious New York City, and I am waging a war against the epidemic of obesity. I have established a revolutionary set of policies and laws designed to eradicate this danger, thereby ensuring a brighter future for all our residents. Please take a moment to read it. Thank you.
Dah dah dun dun dun dun dun CIRCUS Dah dah dun dun dun dun dun KILL ME.
It seems to me that things just aren't the same as they used to be. Where did the good things go? Why is everything so scary and weird? It was all so much better before.
Washington neutered himself with a vise, Adams named a mule to his cabinet, and other secrets of history you probably did not hear in the classroom.
Your favorite '80s archetypes are back and here to raise a ruckus!
Nameless Skeleton, word of your deed has reached my post miles beneath you. I am impressed, for you are the first of our wretched kind to ever successfully pop out of a barrel and kill a mortal.
A list of uncommon chess terms for advanced players, including unusual game variants, unconventional strategies and historical oddities.
Don Larry, USA Patriot, makes his case against teachers and for his own private academy.
For a $20 Gift (no gift certificates) you will receive one of the following Senior Pictures: The Tree Hug, The Relaxed Recline, Serious in Sepia, Hunk Magnet.
Custom Deathmatch: Low gravity. Instant respawns. Quad damage pickups. No pistols or sniper rifles. Round ends at 50 frags.
CNN Situation Room anchor Wolf Blitzer's real tweets, totally unedited.
As the crudely assembled creation of a deranged scientist, I have my share of existential baggage. I was going through a dark patch, drinking a lot, tried to commit suicide by freezing myself at the Arctic Circle, was discovered and thawed by Russian oil-workers, blah blah. But after killing everyone on that oil rig, I feel re-energized and happy!
We don't need marketing. Our soups appeal to a large audience. We've captured almost all of the wife beater market and angry dads prefer our soups two to one. You can't buy that kind of success. You earn it by making the meanest soup the world has ever seen.
It turns out that your dumb child might not need to be glued to gadgets all the time!
Whether you are looking for a Mongolian Death Worm to settle down with or a Loch Ness Sexpig, Crawler is the relationship site for you.
We will fill a plastic cup with ice cream, and attach that to a mannequin's hand. A crewman will lay on the ground and manipulate the arm as if it is yours. He will ineffectually bump the cup against your entire face for about a minute while your soundalike makes exaggerated chewing noises into a microphone.
The makers of Soothing Rabbit Bath Salts put out a warning about an unexpected health risk related to their product.
You want the hottest secrets about the most important video game event of the year? Let Something Awful bring you exclusive information about the games you'll likely be complaining about on the Internet this November!
CONS: Plays fast and loose with Three Laws of Robotics. I personally witnessed it operating with a cat inside, allowing harm to come to it. The cat was showered violently in its own waste products before being deposited into a tiny drawer of filth.
“TC,” the girls call me. That’s short for towel coach-- it’s my job to oversee the ladies’ locker room. Go ahead and laugh, but I take my job seriously.
After years of serving our nation, it is time for us to honor the golems we have sent against our enemies. Please keep your distance.
Your place is trashed and the landlord is on the way. But even if you deserve to lose every cent of your deposit, don’t give up! With these easy tips and a few simple household goods, a gallon of gasoline and the hologram projector used to resurrect Tupac, you’ll be a few hundred dollars richer!
In a few days I will burn all of my clothes and possessions. I will don a loincloth, thick fur boots and wristguards. An x-shaped leather harness will hug my manly torso, fastening one sheath on my back for a broad two-handed sword and another on my chest for a MacBook.
Psychologist Philip Zimbardo is blaming the ruination of the modern male on video games and pornography. Ruined modern males disagree.
We've noticed that you haven't been following certain store rules. Our rules are important for maintaining a friendly atmosphere for our guests and a healthy and productive working environment for our team. Please review the following incidents and reflect on how you could've handled them better.
Greetings to you, my fellow American Carnivore. I am pleased and delighted to bring you another edition of my celebrated periodical, the most spirited tribute to the healthy and unabated consumption of all living beasts.
The story of eternal pleasures, as told through those who lived it.
Protestors gathering in Chicago are throwing their message in the face of NATO using bold signs, and NATO is taking them seriously.
In an ongoing effort to keep their products safe, fair, and enjoyable, professional sports leagues update their rulebooks every year. These changes don't always stick. In fact, some rules are so disastrous that they don't even last through an entire season.
Kelly is our miracle girl. Every day she gets stronger than the day before, no matter how many pieces of her body melted off.
One man's struggle with being a unique voice of the film community.
Works like a charm! Have accrued over 80 hours of video of a certain family dog dragging his buttocks on the carpet. Will be presenting this evidence in a kangaroo court in our living room. Open and shut case, family. A slam dunk for sure. This dog is guilty and going to doggy prison.
Your Band Sucks temporarily rises from the grave to examine the new reissue of Loveless, My Bloody Valentine's landmark album of mumbling and weird guitars. Spot every nuance of the remaster and listen like a pro!
Get out your card, we have a collection of euphemisms used to describe various types of shopping.
Time to lower the # of complaints/reports of accidental food poisoning! Please Read ASAP!
I was more than happy to keep this to myself. For years I conducted my operations in stealth mode, my talents known only by the select few who occupied the upper echelons of computer expertise. Then, as the internet grew exponentially, so did the hollow bragging from pretenders to the throne.
Mitt Romney was recently revealed as quite the prankster at Cranbrook School, but Romney can't remember those days. Here are a few more incidents he was involved in to refresh his memory.
For a small fee, the Internet Writers Guild of America Registry documents your authorship of a work, protecting it from potential plagiarism. (Note: due to recent market fluctuations, the IWGA no longer accepts payment in Bitcoins.)
Society member Herold caused a time loop that resulted in an endless NPR pledge drive. The source of the loop has been eliminated and the pledge drive should come to its natural conclusion in about three years.
A somewhat childish but provocative look at John Travolta's latest controversy.
Judy Blume meets Marvel as a teenage girl learns to deal with the difficulties of having a Ghost Rider for a father.
How in the world did they make the leap from Licensed To Ill to Paul's Boutique? It was insane. Like "barely able to touch the basketball rim on your first jump, then accidentally leaping into the sun on the next try" insane.
Word has leaked of an upcoming Elder Scrolls MMO. We have compiled all of the rumors about the game.
Find out what all the buzz is about down at Mr. McDonald's restaurant.
Love it. Makes me feel like gentle angels are reaching down and grabbing the base of my skull and pulling upward as if to remove my head from my body completely, only they don't and the disorienting euphoria that follows briefly frees me from my neck pain for a good 10-15 minutes.
Shower pressure is pretty good most of the time, but when your roomie flushes the toilet it gets a little drizzly. There’s only one bathroom, so we have sort of an “open bathroom” arrangement. I took the liberty of removing the lock from the door, so if we both need to pee at the same time, we can totally “play swords” LOL!
Whenever something goes wrong. Whenever tragedy strikes. Remember: God has a plan. To liberate $170 million from the High Roller vault in Las Vegas.
Making a movie look good is more complicated than setting up some lighting, pointing a camera in the right direction, and hoping that no ugly people walk into frame. The most common tricks of the trade would seem outlandish to most people outside the industry.
After decades of pizza research we have no good innovations. It's time to call a stop to all pizza scientists.
I caught him nailing his testicles to the roof with the nailgun. He must hate working if he's willing to stage such an elaborate injury just to get out of laying some shingles! I was pretty upset, so he apologized and asked if I was going to whip him. I told him yes, I was definitely going to crack the whip, so to speak, by giving him more chores.
This is the fifth item I've ordered from SkyMall that's placed me under a curse. Most SkyMall curses are pretty tolerable, but this one is filled with horrible visions of scarabs eating my children's flesh. The cabinet itself is OK, but I haven't been able to get it open again and all of my Tracy Chapman CDs are inside.
The Internet's going wild for a Kickstarter to develop an original Ron Paul video game. Take a look at how awesome and original it actually is!
Many Kickstarters are destined to fail. Some fail spectacularly. These Kickstarters never earned a dollar.
I arrived for basically training with the other sorta soldiers, our inner tubes depositing us roughly near the camp-like facility. Some inner tubes passed the dock, drifting down the river and over the horizon, their passengers and the officers ashore shrugging at one another.
Angie's List provides local reviews of local businesses, including a peeping creeper, a loose dog and Wayne's lawn.
A man's life from A to Z.
Some useful excerpts from The Cyber Spellbook, a powerful religious tome from the authors of The Wiccan Web. Learn to banish foes using hot cyber tech (the toilet), and use a simple checklist to find out if you're a true Cyber Witch!
CNN host Wolf Blitzer is still allowed to use twitter for some reason.
With all the attention Hunger Games has received, it’s time to take a closer look at the lesser known murders in the event’s past.
Welcome to the hot dog pizza procurement zone. You may be experiencing some confusion and early signs of a dissociative disorder. This is normal. We have provided this document to help you along in your attempt to obtain a pizza with hot dogs baked into the crust.
Friendr CEO Tamt Hiccum details the inclusive changes to the company bathrooms and signage.
Perhaps you are mystified as to why the puny dullard Yor has a published work spreading his meaningless legend, while Golan the Insatiable, a demigod who death-gripped an entire world, has none. I too have a champion to sing my saga onto the written page! I just didn’t want to tell anyone, because it is far from a big deal for Golan the Insatiable.
Love it, but would love it more if they added a hole to the seat so I didn't have to clean up any messes after extended stays inside. It's a bit hard to get in and out of and it's not like I'm going to diap up for something like this.
Important additions to the iconic TV star's fanifesto.
That datarealm kit we got your grandpa for Christmas is gathering dust. Can you help him set it up, Juztyn?
The only thing you need to know about Legend Of Grimrock is that you can drag any item into the middle of the screen to throw it. That item will not slope downward, and will not stop until it hits a wall or a bad guy's nose.
Mysterious, self-proclaimed Mega Millions winner Mirlande Wilson continues to release information about her ongoing ARG.
Pastor Dave announces the loss of a popular Church program.
Mr. Mayor, If it's a lack of nerve that's keeping you from dealing with this demonic child, I have enough for the both of us. I'll do what needs to be done. Just give me a large flamethrower and plenty of space to do what I do best. It won't be like the last time either. I've got new glasses.
Trusted trip reports from Pharmanautz members on Blitz, the new designer drug sweeping the New Chicago area. Learn what to expect from this controversial substance!
#1 strengthsman of USA and world is back to provide info about his new service to crowd fund projects.
Serve him wrong and you'll be carted off to the hospital with nothing to show but a shattered clavicle and a pile of VH1's I Love The 80s Dvds.
From the makers of the award-winning Award Creator Deluxe comes the next step forward in computer generated poetry: Poetry Generator Pro! Now it's easier than ever to turn your favorite memories into actual poems - without the hassle of writing poetry yourself.
We bought this to use on our hairless dog, but were shocked to discover the laser was baconizing his skin. The dog loves licking his new flavored flesh, and so do we. We're very afraid he'll start to gnaw it off, though. The smell is mouth watering and intoxicating.
The PlatMaster 10,000 is the world’s first platform simulator. Its hydraulic pads move forward at an adjustable rate, while its soft bed of foam-rubber Safe-T spikes ensures a missed jump won’t deplete your health. Finally you can sprint, leap and vault to your heart’s content without worrying about falling into a bottomless chasm of nothingness!
Weed-crazed hoodie thug and effing goon Trayvon Martin's death was definitely a tragedy, but........
Stop with the metrics and buzzwords and just shut up for a minute.
Full data protection. Ready to engage anyone or anything (zombies???) that threatens my data center and your data.
Internet Guy can be seen arguing below YouTube videos, following various internet articles with comments like "cute... im surprised this place is still going so many years after it stopped being relevant", and begging celebrities whose work he pirates to follow or RT him on Twitter.
The Reificant prequel to Liminal States reaches its conclusion.
Learn to protect yourself from dangerous teens through tips from the master of neighborhood defense.
Society member Doug has been placed on temporary probation after nearly erasing Shark Week 2010 from the history books.
Jose Canseco, I have a very special offer and am putting up well over a thousand dollars.
Euphemisms abound. It's a dirty job and there's gotta be a phrase to describe it.
You know how I like to garden? Perversely. Inappropriately. Unnecessarily graphic with a dash of grotesque debauchery. I’m the Caligula of horticulture, I’m Better Homes and Gardens’ worst nightmare. Deal with it.
If you play RPGs to take on a character, this series finale makes perfect sense if your role was Inscrutable Turret Man.
The Reificant explores a collapsing city-island and discovers a sinister presence within the water in this penultimate installment.
Something Awful's music writers shed light on which acts to see at South by Southwest and which to avoid. NOTE: In the likely case that you're not actually going to SXSW, this update also works as a way to try new stuff and find a cool band you hadn't heard that will make you want to play all their other songs on Spotify or whatever.
The vague product description doesn't explain much. Is this large enough to fit an adult woman? How wide are those little side vents? Could I Get a 16" meat lovers pizza through them? Disturbed such common questions are not addressed in product details. Please be more thorough, SkyMall.
Merry meet, and welcome to the Wiccan Web! Experience the magic of the world's greatest book, which teaches us about cyber spells, virtual feasting, and Gwalchmei, the Celtic god of embedding midi files into your web page.
The only good emo is a dead emo? No, they only become more powerful in death.
I do not claim to be a comic book expert, but I do imply it and ask that you treat my words with all the respect that such a lofty title commands.
The Reificant concocts a dangerous scheme to thwart the spread of the water.
One man's struggle to live the diseased jungle animal life in today's modern world.
Downtown, 12:22 pm. A spontaneous massing of dogs caused momentary panic, but the estimated 1000+ feral canines were quickly dispersed with tear gas. Residents were only forced indoors for a modest 20 minutes, and no injuries were reported.
A brief and incomplete tribute to villainous character actor Billy Drago: teacher of acting, owner of islands, pawer of women and signer of insane autographs.
The pleas of girls everywhere are answered: a man is here to tell you what you are allowed to do.
Finally, the answer to the age old question. Wonder no more!
After spending some time with the recently released preview build of Windows 8, I have some insightful, brilliant thoughts.
The Reificant finds more life and attempts to thwart the mysterious water.
‘Why have you forgotten us?’ moaned the skeletons. They strained with ancient clatter. ‘Let us die!’
Apparently I'm paying you all to gossip about the state of the company. Well, if you cannot possibly continue living without knowing the truth, here it is: I lost half our offices in a high-stakes game of poker at one of the Soup & Broth afterparties.
Exploring the nature of the #SaveDerpy campaign with a well-trained eye.
I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant is a television program in which human beings relate actual tales of stealth fetuses that did not make their presence known until they dropped a smoke bomb and rappelled out of the womb.
The Reificant endures a very inhospitable place and attempts to warn the inhabitants of impending danger.
This plucky robot makes state-sanctioned humiliation easier than ever before!
Don't be a chump. Spring for the piped version with the recirculating pump. I feel like an idiot for not doing that. It breaks my heart looking at this little guy standing there, holding his thing and trying to pee.
Last week, Santorum backer Foster Friess came under intense media scrutiny for a joke he made during an MSNBC interview: "You know, back in my days, they’d use Bayer aspirin for contraceptives," Friess said. "The gals put it between their knees, and it wasn’t that costly." We’ve contacted Mr. Friess to clarify his positions.
Could scientists stop dreaming up new ways to hasten our descent into nightmare reality? At least slow it down.
The best episodes of Frasier! Ever! Every dream fulfilled here, folks!
The world economy has found its way into a bit of a catastrophic hell vortex, shredding the muscles and guts from our bodies and leaving us all screaming skeletons. Metaphorically.
The reificant experiences the brutal and cold places touched by the water only to find a more horrible truth near to home.
The Los Angeles metropolitan area is the second largest in the United States in terms of human population, and the fourth largest in terms of monster population (behind New York City, New Orleans, and Placid Valley, Colorado).
Oh! You idiot, you bumbling fool! You forgot to get a Valentine's Day gift. Don't worry -- all hope is not yet lost. The Bradford Exchange has a scintillating selection of thoughtful gifts certain to strengthen the bonds of your love and appease any hurt feelings.
Time's running out and all the best gifts are gone from the store, but all is not lost!
The complete saga of the SA Forums and their crusade against reddit's child porn.
Hey, kiddo. Mind if we come in? Your mom and I would like to have a little chat with you. It's... an announcement? No, I suppose that's not the right word for it.
The story of the Reificant continues as its civilization falls into ruin.
Examine the other side of an extreme couponing partnership, straight from the husband's mouth.
Dear Mr. Mayor, I've been trying very hard to see the positives of having a crew of murderous ghost pirates sailing around town in a ship that can move through solid objects and cannot be damaged by bullets. I've thought long and I've thought hard, Mr. Mayor. The simple fact is I don't see any good coming out of this situation.
It’s almost that time of year again, Shaggy Butters: the 19th annual Downtown Dreams Festival will be taking over the Shaggy Butte Plaza! As always, we’ve got a stellar schedule of fine art, food, local vendors, rock music and fun. Best of all, we’ve got the best lineup of big-ticket headliners Downtown Dreams has ever seen.
Mitt Romney is given a crash course in shutting the hell up about saving the 2002 Winter Olympics.
This is a foot ball party the way it is supposed to be celebrated. We have season two of Frasier and enough corn chips that you won't even notice my moles ones.
Start the fight by running along a wall in slow motion and kicking one guy in the face. Try to get his head to spin around and spray a fine mist of sweat into the air. Land with your back to everyone else, slowly turning your head to smirk over your shoulder.
Let the Reificant's story be a warning. Let its fall prevent your own.
YOUR ACCUSATIONS HAVE GUARANTEED YOUR DESTRUCTION, ATTORNEY!!! I WILL CRUSH YOUR BODY BENEATH THE WEIGHT OF MY HELLISH LEGS!!! I WILL PERCH UPON YOUR TWISTED CORPSE AND PICK THROUGH YOUR BURSTING ABDOMEN! I'LL SWALLOW THE BONES OF YOUR LEGS AND VOMIT THEM UPON THE FACES OF YOUR CHILDREN! IN HORROR THE JURY WILL WATCH AS I … *Order in the Court!!*
Pros: Extremely comfortable memory foam support helps you relax on long trips. Cons: Sharp hooks inside cushion dig into neck and become locked around jugular.
I don't know a thing about business, but I think I know an idea when I see it!
Celebrate the demise of Work It with a look back at some of our favorite short-lived TV shows.
I wear a black ski mask at all times to hide my face. I carry a symbolic broken magic wand. My velvet cape has a large icon sewn across the back, a red circle with a line through it superimposed over a rabbit being removed from a top hat. They will never find me.
MorgellonsMom has a daughter with Morgellons and a family wracked with vaccine-related illness and she will not be silenced by the CDC.
Newt Gingrich extends a chubby hand to a race so desperately in need of his help.
Over the years I have made it my personal mission to improve the quality of dog names in the world. I invite you now to view my list of proper dog names, and steal from it for your own personal dog-naming needs.
Love messes with our brains, that’s a fact. Do you really want your judgment impaired in a life or undead situation? Or someone flirting with you when you’re trying to focus on not being zombie chow? Sorry to my secret admirers, but romance has no place in my zombie plan.
Lunch is ruined by the contents of a box of unusual condiments from Japan.
This is Kerotchi and he needs your help. Left beside a cassette of OMC’s hit single “How Bizarre”, he waited for a neglectful owner to never return. For 15 years, Kerotchi was forgotten without [FEED] and forced to [PLAY] where he [TOILET].
With this summer's Dark Knight Rises, Christopher Nolan's take on Batman comes to an end. I humbly present my ideas for the reboot which is sure to follow. For instance, Two-Face Face-Off Face Race: Trading Faces.
A series of helpful euphemisms for you to use to describe your blogging activities.
Boss nephew oleg is the anti worker antagonist.
Check out Munchr. for reviews of Aftertaste and other great hangouts from users just like you!
Contrary to popular belief, the real Katt Williams is not writing shitty jokes on Twitter all day.
One man argues that other models of droid are just as dangerous as his PB-11 helper droid.
Things are going well. Maybe you got a new job, or you received a few gift cards for Christmas, or you finally decided to cut the cable tv cord and get all your shows and movies online. Now you have some disposable income in your pocket, and suddenly that stealth bomber you've always wanted is within your price range.
Will a technological singularity create a new intelligence or will we die farting up our sweatpants and playing Call of Duty?
The true face of child-based slapstick is an ugly one indeed.
Let It Be Known That Royt Gingerwich Has Mastered the Art of Loud Yelling & Intends to Demonstrate His Remarkable Talent to Everybody Within Earshot.
In the days when we had no god, we did not know what death brung. But now we have Swimp, and we are content to die: we will join our cuddle-soft cutie bunny on the moon forever. We will romp and play, and sour clams will be unlimited and Swimp will open their tins for us. Every person will be there, except Dorroile.
I am a 1/16th Cherokee Indian Dad's Rights crusader and I resent the way you have treated me as a second class citizen when I visited American Girl Place in Chicago this weekend.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking ‘man, that sounds just like there’s a rabbit drowning in that water heater.’ But you’re wrong, buddy, I mean, if there were really a rabbit inside your water heater, it would have drowned already or in the very least been boiled alive, right?
After three bottles of Game Fuel, I noticed an improvement in my ability to eat ghosts and get high scores. I also noticed the sensation of my heart feeling cold and slowing down while my skin went numb all over.
Rick Santorum is a likable, down-home, real American guy who is terrified of and really mad about sex.
I have since learned that your Santa Claus is a strange pacification prank you play on your young, and not actually a worshiped god, but as a stranger in your stank dimension, you can doubtlessly understand why I took your Claus to be some fashion of minor deity when I saw a throng of people gathered before him on his blood-red velvetted throne.
I trust your discretion. I know the Obama Campaign has been asking a lot lately. Believe me, we wouldn't ask if the stakes weren't so high.
Some blog's telling me I got a problem with some computer dude?
If you enjoyed my fiction in the past, you may enjoy the weird, disgusting world of my new novel, LIMINAL STATES.
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