Some people claim Trump's rise will bring back comedy or punk rock. Wrong! He's bringing back prog rock, baby!
Stay 'woke' on the best treatments for chronic sleeplessness.
THE ELUSIVE DOG - I have only seen him twice in the past year. I don't remember much about him, but I think he's brown and white. Would love to trade for a more ambient dog. 555-7625
Say good riddance to 2016 and hello to an even worse 2017 with one last batch of sponsored links - custom tailored for our readers' interests!
Finally! An alternative to family!
I didn't order extra SJW agenda on this pizza. I didn't order this pizza either. They won't let me out and I have to review them.
New additions to our favorite collection of plastic freaks.
Is there mode to look at models closer? Much closer?
There is only one thing that can bring us back together: another copy-cat food delivery service that promises $10 off your first delivery with the promo code "fr33f00d."
Christmas is right around the corner and you know what that means: time to pick out the perfect book of memes for that special someone in your life who will most definitely not immediately sever all contact with you after receiving such a gift.
You morons blew it and you're going to suffer. So you'd better learn your lesson and vote for me.
Celebrities are just like us, appearing in public right before our prying peepers. That's where our hungry-eyed star-spotters catch 'em unawares. Lights! Camera! Look!
Putting a computer together is easier and more fun than you might think. It's sort of like building a LEGO set. It also costs about as much as a LEGO set.
Liberals have once again used the media to attack Trump. We have the leaked script for Rogue One that exposes all of their vile lies.
All the amazing predictions from The Simpsons that finally came true in 2016.
This is very real. As an insider I possess damning evidence that could utterly destroy Something Awful. This website has many enemies who appear to be coming to power in the United States. They probably have lots of money at their disposal, and I could really use some.
Don't let the winter dryness destroy your sinuses.
Donald Trump is constantly being compared to infamous political figures and villains from movies. Finally, the correct comparison is here.
Now that Bob Dylan has won the Nobel Prize in literature, hopefully these other great musicians will win the award in the future.
By the time I finished inflating this thing, I was too tired to use it. This is just like real dates. Women wear you down making you jump through so many hoops, then you are simply too exhausted and sad to continue. The pump should be free.
Wow, so many drink shops to choose from!
President-elect Trump needs to make some tough choices about the swords his key advisers will wield.
Guess who's coming to Thanksgiving dinner: A literal Nazi.
Which was your favorite stand up special of 2016: "Trigger Warning: No Participation Trophies" or "Sheesh, When Did Everyone Get So Sensitive"?
Just because your teeth are made of Wolverine’s adamantium doesn't mean that anyone cares.
A comprehensive review of the latest game in the Pokémon series. STORE or TOSS? Read on to find out!
Hyurgi Tigerwoods returns with news of his appointment to the Trump administration and plans to get all American kids healthy.
I've got terrible news for you idiots. You're all going to lose your jobs. Your children are going to starve and die slowly in front of your eyes. Your whole world is going to end. If half of you make it through the day without committing suicide, I'd be shocked.
My write-in president's gonna make a monkey outta you!
We have all the excellent beers for you to begrudgingly choke down!
In any given day you are required to think about several things, if not dozens of things. How can that happen when every synapse is dedicated to processing the reality of our garbage world again and again, as if running it all through your mental calculator will uncover a different result?
This is the first Dishonored 2 review on the internet. How do I know that? It's not out until Friday. Bethesda is no longer providing the press with review codes ahead of release. Heck, I don't even have the game.
Don't go to the polls today without consulting our guide for voters who pretty much want to die.
Oh, man, I am cramping up right now. I can't use the wooden poop box. There has to be an elevator hidden in the back of the general store.
Surveying the horrors of nuclear annihilation, I realize the hubris of my species and the grand indifference of the universe. But I have to admit, a lot of these horrors would make great band names.
FREE HUSKY DOG - Not to be confused with "Siberian Husky." This overweight Corgi is too embarrassing to take out in public. No longer fits in any of the expensive sweaters I purchased for him. Sweaters not included. 555-8092
One of the secondary characters in Twister is portrayed by eight actors. This role is Indecipherable Shouting Person, a mix of the chorus from Shakespearean plays and a hooting idiot.
Levi and Don Jr convince Eric the movie Annabelle is real and make him drink his own urine. Plus Tiffany Trump is downgraded to the Trump plane's cargo hold.
Ensure your little ones are safe and relatively poison-free with the following tips designed to keep them healthy, outside of their teeth and blood sugar levels.
Oh, you idiot. Don't do this. It's the worst idea anyone has ever had. Have you forgotten what an ordeal it was the last time you moved?
This is Sid Meier's world, I’m just building wonders in it.
The Magic of Toys Will Shut Up Your Child!
Angry and hopeless Trump voters take heart: there is a man who is out for justice for America.
People can't stop talking about this Donald Trump character. He's said a lot of crude and hateful things over the years, and demonstrated a tremendous lack of judgment, discipline and decency. If you ask me, he's not fit to be our president. In fact, he's not even fit to be mayor of Buffoontown.
No silkier pelt nor softer voice can be found above or below the roots. Gentle Creature is the leader we need.
Your local Halloween Superstore is back in town, bringing with it quality products and a plea for sanity from its proprietor.
My clothes surround my body. A bright yellow jacket of flexible plastic surrounds my layers of clothing. The areas of my skin covered by clothing and jacket are as they always are, more or less. My hands are exposed. My neck, face, and head are exposed. I feel water and wind upon all of this skin.
A complete guide to every type of apple you'll find on the orchard.
The clowns are coming and these candidates aren't the heroes we want, or the ones we need, or even heroes, but they're what we have.
Office cubicles look a lot like a maze, if you arrange them into a maze and forget that in a maze you have to walk around, not just sit in a chair and browse Facebook all day.
TREEHOUSE FOR RENT with wonderful, unavoidable views of my bedroom window, where I prance around fully nude. Ideal tenant is beautiful woman attracted to plus-sized men. $250/month. 555-7262
The king of deadpan absurdism ain't no angel
Everything dies...especially beloved cartoon characters!
The internet is causing individuals to become more insular, seeking out only those who agree and shutting out alternative viewpoints. All my friends agree.
Sir Mix-a-Lot's classic follow up to "Baby Got Back" has serious unintended consequences.
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
If you still have any difficulty transitioning to chip readers, please refer to the FAQ compiled from average user reactions.
What if you were a cop and the Skittle was mentally disturbed and wanted to be eaten?
DOPPELGANGER NEEDED - To minimize stress to my dog, I'm looking for somebody who is identical to me to take over ownership. Must also be able to fool my wife. Call to set up interview. 555-8252
One morning a widening pool of gasoline formed beneath an old car in the parking lot. My manager urged me to grab a bag of cat litter to contain the leak and minimize the chance of a fire. I sprinted away, then turned back and - in a moment of absolute sincerity - asked him which brand.
Hillary clinton called me a deplorable which is a bad thing so I made a new frog man.
As is the case with all political speeches, Hillary Clinton's "basket of deplorables" comment exists as one of thousands of possible options run through high-priced consultants and focus groups. Here are some of them.
hey im making this thread to see if anyone would be interested in a thread about some weird things i found in a smoldering crater upon the hillside. the first thing is the book of infinite knowledge.
Make sure your trip starts off with a rushed, anxiety inducing nightmare.
Sorry, feminists, but I will not be slurping the 'ghet and grabbing on your rack in the hot tub I made in my PT Cruiser.
Critics of Obamacare claim that it's unconstitutional, increases the national debt and imposes too many costs on businesses. But what do they propose we replace it with?
Tensions are mounting as Shaggy Butte's thirstiest gulpers have been hung out to dry. The Rug Emporium, home of the town's most popular fountain, has been taken over by foreign invaders.
Me? I'm just a regular American man. I like to put in a full day of hard work in the Sisyphus Pod, pushing that ol' virtual boulder up the sloping sides of the grid bowl only for it to tumble down again.
We see you trying to block our shit. We are gonna smoke you out. You can't click our content now, motherfucker.
When work becomes "fun," life becomes hell.
You Won't Believe How Every MRI Technician Will Soon Be Replaced By Nine Dogs! Your Jaw Will Drop!
Don't let anyone tell you that you're a wasteful, careless, selfish individual because of your shower habits.
Someone told TIME magazine about trolling and now we all just have to deal with it.
If that boy isn't willing to shoot his laser and get you that carbon, he's not worth your time.
REFORMED HOG - Former member of the swine family, has now agreed to behave like a proper dog. Free to patient home willing to overlook physical defects. 555-2519
What do you do when The Dark Knight himself pulls a boner?
James Cameron's plans for future Avatar movies include some information about dinosaur sex he saw on the Internet.
Thought what fell on us was pizza / But it was ooze saying nice to meet ya
The daily cycle of pain and remorse as you frantically attempt to save the last bit of juice.
An update from the strange and majestic body horror of the Olympic Games in Rio.
Gingerdead Man 3: Someone punches or just sort of pokes the Gingerdead Man, exploiting his one weakness of being a man made of gingerbread.
Video games like Car Chess, Bear Escape Arena, Just Us Hogs, Get Back Here 2, Travel Agency and Yelling! are all the rage these days, thanks to amazing graphics and irresistible action. But did you know that their existence is no mere accident? Every game is actually created by skilled professionals in a laboratory setting.
Should you buy the most hyped game of the year? Our good friends at Hello Games – who definitely replied to my emails – created this review using No Man’s Sky’s actual procedural generation algorithm.
"What else is on?"
America's greatest ad pitch man sells the IBS pill guys from Viberzi on a diarrhea babe.
I'm in here and I'm not coming out. I'm not leaving here ever again.
Thursday: Shirtless yelling. "CASEY!" Ten seconds pass. "CASEY!" Is Casey a child? An animal? A playful spirit taunting a drunk buffoon? "CASEY!"
Complete list of undeniable excuses to keep your ass planted.
I was betrayed by the bernio bros, the cougars, and this guy from back page I hired to keep me from jumping out a window at the DNC.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
It's just a little confusing, is all.
The good news is the republican convention is over. The bad news is if I can escape this police car how do I anull a marriage??
Take a look at Hollywood's brightest stars who won't be allowed to shine at this year's RNC.
On Children of Men: "I did not see it. However, I have seen the thirty thousand tubs of Sour Patch Kids that it paid for. They are... sour."
A complete assessment to all the terrible toys you've bought thus far.
This is your wake up call, Utica Pokémon Go Facebook Guild: Valor.
Will we continue to live in fear of the Mindfreaking or will we demand magicians break their Code?
In Permanent Midnight, Jerry Stahl's heroin addiction alienates his friends and wife. I don't have any friends or a significant other, so I figured that for someone like me, drug abuse would have the opposite effect and make me popular.
EXCITING PUP-ORTUNITY – we have puppies galore, all needing homes. They just keep spilling out, with no end in sight. Hundreds to choose from, in all manner of repair. Claim yours! 555-2915
Millions of people are wandering around paying more attention to the Pokemon on their phones than their surroundings. I am the very first person in the world to suggest that this blending of reality and fantasy in Pokemon Go will lead to disaster.
Was all the controversy worth it? Huh? Was it? Huh?
In these tough times, America can be united over how much former congressman Joe Walsh sucks.
One man's journey to help the disenfranchised voice their complaints with some civility.
Hot new gadget promises to make getting milk into a glass 8x more complicated than pouring!
A cellphone seems to go off at exactly 1:52 in The Clash’s 1982 single “Rock the Casbah.” Why?
Last night, the final Prairie Home Companion aired. I haven't heard it yet, but here's exactly what happened.
Boats! They're great. But what should we name them? Let's find out...
We clear up the BREXIT for confused Americans wondering why the global economy is collapsing this time.
BEEP! BOOP! ZAP! Video games aren't for my dad anymore! Because he's dead.
I know these angles are wrong, but they feel so right.
Undeniable proof that you need to upgrade now.
Martians are wiping out Mankind and bringing equality to London with their heat ray.
Am I boring you? Does the flesh-rending, bone-splintering brutality of the Fight Palace put you to sleep? In the arena, a moment can mean the difference between life and death, but clearly a moment of your time is too much to ask.
11:30AM - Rumpus Men Kevin and Jeremy prove anything is possible when they turn a cemetery into a beautiful rumpus room just in time for a wedding.
Ten years ago I buried a capsule in my E3 hole. It's a good hole. The capsule contained two items: My predictions for E3 2016 inked upon a weathered scroll, and an iPod Mini with just one song on its drive, Ignition (remix).
Blow your problems AWAY with...THE GUN®!
Levi covers the end to the Sanders campaign and Bobby Brown's claims he had sex with a ghost.
It's every father's worst nightmare: A growing boy without a healthy appetite.
As I'm out and about, the first thing people notice when they glance my way is the enormous four ton weight atop my broken body. I get it. We are, by our very nature, superficial creatures.
A complete breakdown of why you're assigned to sit where you are.
Because if you watch these movies in the wrong order you might EXPLODE!
The year is 2077. Anthony Bourdain is looking for the best street food or high cuisine on the neon-drenched cyber streets of the world.
BACK FROM THE GRAVE – We've been trying to bury our dog ever since it ate all of grandma's ashes. Now it's back, and barks and growls just like grandma did. Please buy this dog and kill it for good. $250 555-2515
This collection of sponsored links is presented by the Feather Wallpaper Council.
I'm Ray Parker Jr, and it's time I came clean.
It is 2016. I think it is high time that Captain America have a dog man as a boyfriend.
A brave pop culture addict puts his foot down once and for all.
Overwatch is Blizzard's hugely successful new shooter with ten thousand characters and a hundred thousand skill icons. We'll show you what the buttons mean.
Obviously, the first thing necessary to getting back in shape is buying a bunch of expensive knick-knacks.
Finally, a look at the candidate's long-delayed tax returns.
Levi Johnston heads down to Las Vegas and ends up causing a little trouble at the Democratic delegate convention.
The moment I step inside Planet Fitness, I feel completely at home. No prying eyes staring at me, judging me, like they do on the street. It's almost like that horrible, regrettable incident never happened.
May has been a trying month for Shaggy Butte's resident fountain fanatics. Drought restrictions have resulted in many popular fountains running dry, and penny-pinching businesses have cut back on fountain upkeep. In the end, many once-promising bubblers are now serving up some truly sour sips.
Hi guys. Uh. CoolSubBoxOpener here with, uh, a whopper of a video. Today the postman *pause* arrived with a whole bunch of boxes. Like half of my box subscriptions came in all at once today. Uh. So let's get to it!
Guys, I think my niece hates me.
In a world where the rules no longer apply, one man is here to be sure a trans person isn't trying to pee near our children.
A child President could be more than our country could handle.
Let's celebrate some scenes that are unforgettable, mainly because they show up in every single comedy.
Do you have a gloss-free life and need your consumer goods to match? Make it matte.
Turning epitaphs into epic LAFFS!
I don't know what to write in here because basically I am back from the dead like Laserious hooray here I am to talk about this stupid election.
This is your typical consumer model throne. If you just want a cheap prop, it's fine. If you want to actually sit like a king, pony up the cash and get yourself a prosumer model. This entry level stuff is more for a duke or baron at best.
Do you wish to know what computers will be doing in the year to come? With a sigh I shall exert the minimal effort it takes to reveal all. Feel free to print out these predictions and share them with your friends via fax.
Old mixed signals feeling a little stale? Try some new ones!
Game of Thrones has mercilessly killed off characters over the years, but these lesser characters are still waiting to meet their fate.
What movies other than Rat Race could be improved by the surprising entrance of Smash Mouth?
How do employees stay safe at Alien Goop Storage Facility, The House of Unstable Floors and Vases Containing Fireballs, and (INARTICULATE PANICKED SCREAM)?
Join one of the highest yield markets available to people who have neither worldly knowledge nor business savvy!
Apologies for earlier orders ordering TERMINATION WITH MILD PREJUDICE.
When celebrities die, corporations frequently fumble with how to respond on social media.
I've never been one to define myself by my clothes, so an ironic "Future Children's Party Clown" t-shirt appealed to me. I might have been weird, but I knew I'd never become a children's party clown. Until I did.
SLED DOG TEAM plucked from the arctic. These experienced and tireless dogs pull me around town in a shopping cart, which is apparently illegal. Trading entire bundle for a gently used van. 555-1924
After years of thorough testing, we're finally prepared to hand out our verdicts. Should you buy a Voodoo 2 video card, a Sound Blaster, and a Logitech Mouseman? Read on to find out.
This Donald Trump guy is a real character, alright!
The Clintons need to stop comparing juvenile humans to super predators. It is insulting to my kind.
One highway patrolman sets the record straight on the most senseless acts of modern drivers.
I blink out of existence. Vanish like I was never there. My caddie does not react to this development. In the place where I stood mere moments ago, a fox appears. Again, no reaction from the caddie. The man's a professional through and through.
Whether it’s finals, taxes, or the Canadian mafia, we all have stress in our life. Find out how it's changing your body before it's too late!
Coming to the stage...Kiki St. Needs Attention!
Trust me, when I bought these dang things Cheryl gave me an earful. But they're going to make us a mint!
Here is what I stand before you to declare: I am disgusted beyond all measure by the growing abundance of small dogs in the world. This vile plague has been spreading from Europe and the Orient with increasing potency.
New documents reveal the burger giant is looking for a more tasteful, classier approach to giving you violent diarrhea and regret.
Presidential candidate Donald J. Trump has walked right into another controversy and this time both the left and the right are angry with his views on Crazy Frog's penis.
Turning a public domain character into a boob comic seems like a great plan. You don't have to come up with your own ideas or license someone else's. Potential readers see the book and think, "Hey, I've heard of that character, and I've also heard of breasts/guns/steampunk."
Make a robot. Name him Robot. Robot is male because when you start a character it defaults to male, and clicking a button to choose another gender is a waste of valuable seconds.
You won't believe this. If I hadn't seen it, I wouldn't have either.
I was tested by this revelation, but now my belief is stronger than ever.
In a change of format, the next season of The Simpsons will consist entirely of the cartoon family discussing the lives of their fans.
That newspaper article is paying off big time. I just got off the horn with a man I've never met: my father. He recognized my photo in the paper and wants to come here and meet me. I want every last one of you working twice as hard cleaning this place up. My dad is coming tomorrow, and I want Bear Cave Soup to look like a million bucks.
Need to know what it takes to get ahead in the adult world? Take some advice from someone who's already been down a path not too different from your own.
"A Screaming Can Of Nightmare Fuel!"
See if you can spot the difference between Donald Trump's speeches and the diatribes of Dick Tracy movie villain Big Boy Caprice.
Have you staked your reputation on owning the entire Youngblood comic book trading card set from 1992? That might have been a mistake. After all, most collectors don't know about some of these extremely rare cards. Better run your collection past this checklist.
ERROR ROMANCE DOES NOT COMPUTE
Gross nails are the human equivalent of carpeting your bathroom. Please do something.
Rapper Tupac Shakur died in 1996, but recently rediscovered notebooks prove he was prophetic.
For all the attention and buzz virtual reality is getting right now, you would think it something entirely new. The truth is it's been around for decades. Only now is the technology catching up with the dream.
I welcome a cleansing rain of nuclear death. As an American, I know that the only survivors of such an attack will be myself and precisely enough attractive female celebrities to represent every hair color and ethnicity without overlap.
Can you believe this Donald Trump guy??
As the presidential race descends into desperation, now is the best time to seek unity and reconsider the Gentle Creature option.
The dark side of owning a talking pup.
Try not to use any letters that you made up. Unless you get really lucky, they won't be on your keyboard.
Let there be no confusion about your cat's fine tastes.
A careful analysis of evidence from the Republican debate last night suggests that Doctor Ben Carson was on the debate stage.
Check out that biomechanoid in the corner with tentacles for hair. I bet she spent an hour on that hairdo she wants you to think she just crawled out of a pool of amniotic jelly with.
RETIRED HAMHOUND – German bred and trained, skilled at tracking lost or stolen hams, cooked, frozen or in between. Has saved many holiday meals and aided police in countless cases. Gentle, friendly, healthy and professional. Comes with many civic awards. 555-9285
A selection of real movies one might enjoy, such as: The Nickname "Professor Masturbation" Has Followed Me All The Way Through Grade School
It's so hard to choose, because they're all so terrible!
Jared Leto's Joker in the upcoming Suicide Squad film is going to be an intense character, if Jared's private encouragement to himself is anything to go on.
Take a look back at the impressive achievements of the man who gave the power of the First Amendment to video games.
You won't believe which part of the picture is inside the red circle and which part is outside.
OUTRAGED! I was just trying to help my child do homework when I found these!
The day after Valentine's is when shit goes down.
And you thought women had one-dimensional script intros that treated them like sex objects. Ewoks have it even worse.
No one seems to like the new Doom box art. But it's still the same old Doom Guy under that space marine helmet. Right?
happy valentine day if thas cool k?
Anton Chekhov's famous gun rule is not being followed by some lazy screen writers for the Marvel Cinematic Universe.
Something Awful reviews the latest indie sensation that everyone says is good so of course it is.
As you know, we're continually changing Something Awful to be on the cutting edge of exactly what the internet wants. "Relevance and clicks", that's our motto. Please tell us what to do next by taking a few minutes to fill out this brief reader survey.
Someday you'll go to bed at a normal time. Not tonight though.
(Although this assumes that any reddit writing prompts are good.)
You won't believe what these annoying millennials said when they heard David Bowie had died.
The store is empty, funereal, a museum exhibit on twenty-first-century fashion. Mannequins stand vigil over untouched merchandise, staring at me like the bust of Ozymandias. If there were teens in this place, they left long ago.
It was love at first sight when I first glimpsed the Parisian Poodle Serving Table, which seemed the perfect complement to my home. Unfortunately, that very same home was taken from me when the tunnels I was digging underneath collapsed, causing the entire structure to be condemned.
If you thought "Here's what it would look like if Brady and Manning switched teams" was mind-blowing, wait until you see this garbage.
You're welcome, rich people.
What is a CD-ROM? A platter that fits in the palm of your hand, made of space age polymers and reflective aluminum so thin you could lay it on a sheet of paper then lay another sheet of paper on top of it.
Top rated guide to help you get back to work!
(It's like the Dow Jones Index, but for dads.)
If you are sick of all the yelling and bigotry in politics, the gentle creature that came out of the cellar and quietly wants to be president might just be the candidate for you!
COLORFUL TUBED DOG - Our morbidly obese bulldog Windsor got stuck in one of those colorful obstacle course tubes. It's already grafted to her skin. Tube is about 10 feet long and neon orange. Put food in front end of tube, shake out other end over dumpster. 555-3318
Nice dress. What is this, a dress convention? Idiot.
Blood is thicker than drugs...or is it?
Otaku Obama thanks Japan for anime and manga. Will our next president continue to hand this country over to the Japanese or will they build the dang wall?
Please grant me the permission to be unfunny on purpose so I can celebrate 10 years of trying to be funny on purpose.
In the finale of the second season, Dexter finds out there will be several more seasons. (See also: Sons of Anarchy)
The heartfelt result of combining cancer stories with video games.
Turning epitaphs into epic laffs!
Sometimes it feels like you live on a street of bad habits and everyone around you is trying to sabotage your efforts at self improvement.
Copyright ©2023 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful