2018 was bad, but was it all bad? Here are a few stories to brighten your year's end!
What day is this? Why, it's two days after Christmas Day!
Canadian Santa Claus covets the goblet, and the power within.
Does Elon Musk have the solution to LA's commuter nightmare? Is it a flume?
It all began in World War 2. Earth's surface was still cooling off. Magma was becoming rock. The planet was looking for a way to make a name for itself. On the big stage. To become known internationally.
The democrats are lining up to do battle with Trump in 2020, but is Beto great-o? Yes.
"WAO~" says someone in the audience, amazed by a simple layup. It's the thing that Americans yell when they yell, which is all the time.
Former Navy SEAL Jeff Caliber survived tier one special ops and is now studying creative writing at Sarah Lawrence College in New York. And fighting terrorists.
You gave yourself that bad haircut years ago. You're a smarter person now. More well-rounded as a human. This time you'll probably be able to cut your hair like a champ. This is a terrific idea!
My children have beautiful names like Brazzers Dawg and they have been humiliated. Southwest Airlines is disgusting!
Honey, I would like to take you on a freight train to Pound Town with ALF himself as the mad engineer.
Mugging me is easy, fun, AND profitable! Here's how.
I protected the Blockchain from an incursion by Santa Claus. Victory is was and will continue to be mine. Hard as hell and not stopping.
Wondering what Psycho would look like if the Detective Pikachu team made it? Well now you have the answer, so that should free up eight hours of your day.
I don't want to turn off any prospective buyers or Fallout fans, but '76 seems to possess a myriad of questionable decisions that, at best, can hamper certain quests, and at worst, hamper absolutely everything else. I've chosen to list a small number of bugs and poor game design decisions encountered during my exhaustive trip through the wasteland.
Save the guinea worm? Him good worm. Part of environment. Green jobs.
This space-age device is a cardboard box with two holes in it. The operative sticks a hand in one end. The contact inserts a hand in the other end. With both hands shielded from prying eyes, a secret handshake can commence.
I'm ruined. Every dream in my life has been dashed. Fantastic product! Would buy again!
Astronaut AJ Tucker returns from a long hiatus to offer his insight about the possible "alien probe" spotted zipping through our solar system.
Item #1: Are you some kinda minority or somethin'?
for no reason girlfriend now ex leaves me for antifa and take my heart away. I will not sleep while she is in clutches of democrats
There was a new kind of Uber in town. A skeleton Uber. It was called "Skeleton Uber" because it was a kind of Uber driven exclusively by skeletons.
You've seen all ten episodes of Mike Flanagan's spooky show, but have you spotted the spirits tucked away in the background? These ghosts were hidden so well most people never saw them.
CNN is lying to you about the bombs I sent to CNN! Do not believe their lies!
Every accident will happen on a carpet or a rug 100% of the time. Even if 80% of your floors are tile. Even if 100% of your floors are tile, and you own no rugs.
In these contentious political times it is more important than ever to work together in a bipartisan way with the people who said I should be thrown out of a helicopter for being an Antifa terrorist.
This Halloween, log off and visit your friends at the local Halloween Superstore.
Welcome to the world of working endlessly to please an audience specifically downloading your show to find mistakes.
If you're feeling overwhelmed by dire climate change news, try taking action personally! You can make a difference in the world!
Urine? Or perhaps an abundance of crotch sweat? Either way, it's a good thing you're in a karate class. This is the ideal place to covertly get some airflow down there, speeding up the evaporation process by as much as 4%.
There are some hot and sexy characters in this video game series! Find out the five that would do the best job caring for you at the end of your life!
Industry veteran with nineteen years of experience jumping in front of zapper-wielding clients during intense shootouts, shouting phrases like "Don't shoot!" as they reflexively blast me.
Your social security card is legal tender worth $10, and the comic book store MUST accept it
We at the Hairplace have stepped out due to oUR UNDIMMED BLOOD-HUNGRY RAGE!!
"Captain, this is no cave... it's an ancient space vessel! It belonged to a long lost race called the Precursors. They lived tens of billions of years ago, had technology far more advanced than ours, and suddenly disappeared."
We put HelloFresh to the test and discovered new enlightenment. Now we thrive and grow. THANK YOU HELLOFRESH!
As we say in the podcast biz, "If Joe Rogan can do it, anyone can."
You want to pay a reasonable fee for access to every movie or tv show you could think of. You get a hundred services with a hundred uniquely clunky apps, and libraries that fluctuate more than a fluctuation machine.
Find something you love, like just for example strangling nurses, start a podcast about it, and you'll never work again!
Did you truly believe this ASUS Zenpad 10 had all the features you needed, or did you secretly enjoy giving our sales associate Dan a smaller commission? Don't lie to yourself. Lies brought you to this counter. Only the truth will allow you to leave.
I recently rewatched the entire series, and you know what? Some of those deaths were far more cruel and graphic than I remembered. For my money, these were the most brutal ways a human met their end on screen.
A shitbag law firm named "Higbee and Associates" assaults me with a legal threat for "up to $150,000" because somebody on the Something Awful Forums linked to an image of Hitler, a file that is hosted on the third-party site Imgur. No, I am not making this up, and even if I was, I could not come up with something this stupid.
Daddy Finger has gone too far. There are fingers within the right hand that are resisting him.
Familiarize yourself with the several thousand don'ts found in the exciting world of BRICKO(tm).
Sure, the place was poorly lit and hadn't been dusted since, well ever, but there were some great photographs of me. They were unexpected, and added a certain charm that couldn't be denied.
M'lady, would thou deign to accompany me and my ArmaLite Rifle under the sea this prom?
I'll be the first to admit that, during my teenage years, I jacked off while looking at JC Penny's catalogues. Hell, I still do. The absolute only time I can get off anymore is when I force my wife to dress up like a JC Penny's catalogue. She doesn't really enjoy it, but it gives me an excuse to temporarily unchain her from the radiator.
"For a minute there I lost my elf. I lost my elf."
Welcome to the very important website the board of Papa John's does not want you to read. It contains the real truth about CEO Papa John.
Have I made any mistakes in this long life of mine? Of course not.
"I thought the internet was all fun and games. Grow virtual plants on Facebook. Send email to grandma. IM friends with emojis," said the Stupid Ass Teenager, currently dying in an Idiot County hospital. "Never in my wildest dreams could I ever possibly humanly imagine that doing stupid ass internet shit in real life might get me mortally injured."
(Lips smacking, mouth full of peanut butter, glistening streams of peanut butter oil running down chin) "I'm full as hell, and I'm not going to take another bite!"
I saw good men turned to mush in the wars against the soggies. Men much better than you, Mr. President. If you are going to take John Brennan's security clearance, take my security clearance too.
Forget beer checkers, beer chess and beer dejarik. Only these games are guaranteed to put you on dialysis by age 30.
Chess Rules section 2: Inventory Management. Depending on your Rook's Handling stat and the number of pawns remaining in your force, your inventory grid can have anywhere from sixteen to two hundred and forty slots. Always consider the weight of stored objects, as
Actions have consequences. Gentle Creature returns to express his worry that draining the swamp will send swamp creatures into his burrow.
An honest, true review of Hollow Knight with 100% original text. DO NOT STEAL.
Gun violence has grown so uncontrollably that for each individual resident of Chicago, three of them are shot to death every single day, sometimes repeatedly. This is an incredibly unsettling trend that has, in no way, been happening everywhere and growing at a steady rate for the previous six million decades. Fortunately, I know how to solve it.
After years and years of putting up with (and promoting) Jones' shit garbage idiot crap, a few of the tech industry bigwigs got together and said "hey, maybe this person who is objectively the dumbest human being to ever get launched out of a vagina, should not be on our social media platforms." Wow! What a crazy and absolutely revolutionary idea!
God Friended Me is an actual television show about God friending a foolish atheist (presumably named Me) on social media. It's such a surefire hit that there are already spinoffs in production, like God Hit My Parked Car With His Car Then Left Me A Passive-Aggressive Apology Note.
The Swamp Piggies of the Lying Media have branded me "The Secret Strangler" because they are the Enemy of the People.
I had something else planned for today, but then I found out about the Japanese "This Is Cool" model of the Sega Saturn.
We rank the relative security of the gates at the marinas where US Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos keeps her 10 yachts!
WORDS ARE OUTLAWED. COMMUNICATION IS ILLEGAL. ALL OUR THOUGHTS AND IMAGES ARE NOW MICHAEL FUCKING JACKSON EATING POPCORN DOT GIF.
Every misshapen gift you give me is like a hot dagger in my heart.
"Okay, elite security team! We're going to sweep the area and clear out every last robot! (Two seconds later) Oh no we're all dead."
Facebook must remain unflagging in its vigilance against titties even in these troubled times of rising fascism.
It needs to consume human tissue! It needs to speak to your manager!
Scourgelord Vilius Mandragore gave a speech from our shattered capital on Friday and we are here to fact check his claims about his million year empire.
In our new cat society, things have really gone from bad to purrse.
For the last three months my primary computer has been a MacBook Air running the latest version of OS X, probably named after a mountain or a bear or the hand claps and chants from a modern rock song.
Levi Johnston suffers career setbacks, but manages a full recovery with a new job at the EPA.
It can't be stopped! It can't be reasoned with! It can't be compelled to testify against its spouse!
Eco-worriers are in a tizzy about dead birds full of plastic and want to ban plastics. Shouldn't it be the bird's choice?
Treat yourself to a delicious sub and turn that dead-eyed scowl upside-down!
This is a campaign to provide Disney a chance to course correct with the Star Wars motion simulator franchise. The fans are completely divided and the core goal of the Star Tours travel agency has been abandoned.
I have used my bot to create Olive Garden commercials. This is a bot I have. Don't question it.
Following America's defeat in World War 3, allied forces uncovered a number of experimental weapon prototypes in the hotel-compound of Trump's loyalist Space Force army. Had the war continued just a few more months, these secret weapons would have changed the course of the war.
Extremely proud over here! The bosses took notice and I have been promoted to 20 cages!!
Mr. Sakurai-sama, where the FRICK is Dino Riki!?
Susan Kath of Bethesda Game Studios handed me a polka-dotted can of mixed peanuts. When I opened it, a number of paper snakes sprung out into my face.
Still think it's a joke when a man takes his lunch into the bathroom, Brenda? It's called privacy. Look it up.
Everything to do in our one-horse town outside of the horse.
For what is an ape but a more powerful version of man?
When you die your skin no longer turns to beef jerky. Now your hollowed flesh grows increasingly supple and sexy, with ultra realistic pores, TressFX body hair, and sweat tech that puts the latest NBA game to shame.
If you are 35 and you are not integrated into the Gigathrax then you are not ready to retire.
While designing this space, I imagined David Fincher being forced to recreate the music video for Nine Inch Nails' Closer in a haunted gas station bathroom.
We were able to recently sit down and interview the men's rights icon, Jordan Peterson, in this exclusive interview.
The social justice mob has once again turned into the Nazis to silence bigotry. When will they learn???
This local car commercial has ruined my entire brain. Now it's your turn.
Gervais sauntered into an English class wearing a pair of shades. He asked whether "couldn't care less" or "could care less" best demonstrated how little he cared about people offended by his comedy, then flipped both middle fingers and left before the professor could answer.
The Internet is abuzz about a new viral video. Let's break down "This is Gonna Hurt" by Hoobastank.
The first thing you learn as a Ghost Hunter: You can't kill a ghost with a traditional bow and arrow. You've got to dip the arrowheads in poison.
Sensitive to pure iron?? Filled with burning desire to sculpt pottery? Unable to cross salt lines? You are either a ghost or have crushing OCD. Read this FAQ to figure out if you are a disembodied spirit, and what you can do about it!
One girl's decision to go as a Predator to prom set the Internet ablaze with outrage. And that's a good thing!
Grab your bootstraps and give them a good yank for this inspiring tale of prosperity.
Scan the room for a reporter with an obvious physical handicap. Gleefully contort your body to mock them like you're the absolute worst five year old on the planet. Hey, you're just telling it like it is!
This is serious: Commander William T. Riker has committed some disgusting acts and it is time he face real punishment from Starfleet.
It's time to get a new TV. Your old one was made like two years ago, and so much has changed. You might as well be looking at a dinosaur's butthole. Why would you keep doing that, when you could be looking at a robot's butthole?
This libtard terminator keeps asking for guns that don't exist and I may have to close early out of frustration.
Editor's Note: Due to a freak power outage, this obituary of Barbara Bush was written without the benefit of research. In order to pay our respects to this great woman in a timely fashion, we have decided to post this piece as-is. We hope you forgive any errors on our part.
"God of War is the realization of our collective hopes and dreams, not just as gamers, but as gamer-citizens."
I have been accused of many things and my words have been tooken out of context please forgive me and unban me from twitch + roblox.
I'm Max Martin, the Swedish songwriter behind "Baby One More Time," "I Kissed A Girl" and pretty much every hit single of the last twenty years. You might think an ear for melody like mine is a wonderful gift. But you're wrong.
It's nearly been a year since we last checked in on the internet's most terrible ads. What changed? Not much.
Scandal swirls around EPA head Scott Pruitt, but only one of his scandals is interesting.
HEY MAN YOU LOOKIN FOR TABS ? DYLAN WILL GET YOU TABS. HOW MANY TABS YOU WANT ?? BECAUSE DYLAN GOT THEM ALL
Pinfalls have been changed from the standard 3 count to a far more dramatic 300 count. Several times per match, a pinned wrestler musters the strength to miraculously break free after the referee reaches 299.
We must put a stop to Laura Ingraham's offensive show! Join me in a boycott!
I am absolutely thrilled that there is a theme park containing row upon row of customer feedback boxes, stretching out for acres in every direction. What a delight!
BREAKING NOW: a story so dangerous that there are those within our government that might kill to keep it from getting out.
Ma'am, what if I told you I have the miracle of a lifetime right here in this briefcase?
TEH SOCIAL MEDIA FASTBOOK STOLE MY DATA. SOLD IT TOO A HOG CON GAME. WHERED MY DATA GO??>? WHO TEH HELL KNOWS! IM IN DIGITAL HELL
Games Workshop is looking for samples from aspiring Warhammer authors. Since my biggest dream in life is to have a book published, I put together this submission. Fingers crossed!
Levi Johnston confronts his own mortality and offers his support for a new candidate for president.
Self-driving pizza delivery cars were an invention never meant for this world.
A 20ft wall was never going to cut it. We brainstormed like hurricanes and the results are - in all modesty - completely foolproof options for keeping immigrants out.
INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE - The personification of flopsweat, MR. FREEZE (Sean Bean) desperately tries to impress a group of experienced outlaws with cold-themed puns.
Big trouble is coming and you have to be ready to go with a moment's notice.
Yessir, if this family continues to not mention past incidents, Costco could give us all a new lease on life.
Are two squashed cafeteria rolls and a forlorn clump of grey meatfat biscotti on a sea of butcher paper really taking over the world?
Levi Johnston's stint at the Department of Housing and Urban Development leads to serious consequences for Dr. Ben Carson.
In most games you'd hop into your mech and shoot the giant alien bugs until they fell over. Here, you turn Asshole Physics into an art form.
The velvet hoods are now mandatory for all classes and on-campus activities. Do not remove them for any reason.
We're not going to solve gun massacres with bad manners, people.
The guns are gone. Now what happens to all those paper targets? Don't tell me you forgot about the paper targets. The ones hanging from little clips on fancy clotheslines at shooting ranges. With no guns to destroy these legions of paper bastards, they go unchecked.
Grimy horror growler Rob Zombie's scariest music videos finally ranked to warn your children.
As your manager, I couldn't help but notice that productivity is a little low this month, and I think we can leverage this zombie situation to strengthen our teamwork skills.
The only twelve-step program I want to take are the twelve steps it takes to get me out of this room. Give or take a few steps.
Vulture landed an incredible interview with legendary musician and Muppet Rowlf. We break down his wildest claims.
You have four supply, four lemonades, and four profits. You sell them all for two profits. That's pure profit.
All the dirt on the latest thing the President did that you'll forget about in two days.
The Nunes Memo has leaked and it will change the way you view our country forever!
The XFL is coming back in 2020 and I have some ideas for the future of the league.
Cardboard. Seems like an odd material to base a product around, right? You might think it's less durable than plastic, and you're absolutely right. Players won't be able to use Labo inside of a running industrial shredder, as that could potentially damage the cardboard.
Watching a slimy merman and a janitor knock boots for 30 seconds is uncomfortable. Watching that same clip on a loop for days and creating audio for it can break you.
Where is the TomTom Navigator now? 40.7 Latitude, -74 Longitude
Dissatisfied Star Wars fans have taken the women out of the Last Jedi with a new fan edit. They won't stop there.
The fifth phase of the week is upon us. Shops close, bars open, and we are free from the Bosses once more. But They Who Were Before Time await our tribute...
Hungry? Try looking around for a little something called ASTRONAUT FOOD. Or you can hold out until you get to Pluto and look for some berries... if you want to starve to death!
Get in on the ground floor of the hottest new crypto currency sweeping Earthrealm!
Those geniuses in Silicon Valley have done it again and unlocked the true power of chicken.
As you may have heard on the news or from your town crier, all the computer chips stopped working. There was a flaw. It got in there at the very beginning of computers and as chips got faster and smaller the flaw became more powerful and harder to see.
Gentle Creature rescinds his support for Gentle Creature Zuckerberg and turns his attention to the gentlest boy in the whole world.
If global warming is real, why does the Hoth sequence of Empire Strikes Back look exactly the same as it did when the movie first came out?