East Appleton scientists implant a tiny camera into a cake and observe the results. This is the last thing that was ever filmed. The soundtrack from the film sounds like a goddamn barn orgy.

Mike "The Fruit" Gonzales. If you thought the banana was a tight fit, you should've seen where I crammed the goddamn watermelon.

Nice muscle tone there, Esmerelda. I oughtta beat the ugly out of you, except I don't want to ruin the new shoes my idiot son bought me. They don't even fucking fit right. How hard is it to remember "SIZE 12"? My kid is a goddamn fuckup if I ever saw one. I'm going to storm over to his shithole house later tonight and ram his face into the television set. Or I'll just stay home and drink the bottle of Bloody Mary mix I found in the creek behind my house.

Soda Porn. It's pretty big with the neckfucking simps here who get turned on by watching reruns of that one show with the black nerd who blows shit up in his basement. I forgot the name of it, but the dad was the fat cop from Die Hard. I think it was named "The Nerd Fucks Shit Up".

Oh how nice, a mutant in training. Somebody please euthanize this pile of predestined failure.

John Flanders misinterprets the sign in the background.

NOT PICTURED: Me busting in and shoving the cretin's skull into the funnel cake grease pit. Hell, it couldn't make his oily complexion any worse. I hate teenagers.