The incredible Turdball Turtle. His pockmarked face joined the zoo of roadkill smeared across the grille of my Chrysler. I think I ran over a Yeti once too. The cops tried to lie and say it was the mayor's daughter but I know better because the mayor's daughter is a two-bit skank who was probably too busy shooting up heroin in a jail cell somewhere and why the fuck would she be walking around on the sidewalk at 4:00 pm anyway?

Suburban Superhero cruises the mean streets of West Appleton, righting wrongs and looking like a complete and utter fucking scumball. Hopefully the next time this criminally stupid waste of dogmeat takes to the road he'll get flattened by an out-of-control SUV driven by a hysterical soccer mom with 18 mentally-deficient kids chewing on the upholstery.

The bartender at the Praying Mantis Club shows off how he makes White Russians. White Russians are sissy drinks for sissies, just like Cosmopolitans or water.

Poultry molester Kasey Jennings gets it on with whatever the hell that is, Donald Duck or something. I don't know, I don't watch shit like that on TV, I just watch Law and Order and they showed the one about the retard with AIDS yesterday and when he got sentenced to jail at the end I just laughed and laughed because he was retarded.

Narcoleptic Nancy and her pathetic husband Brian get their pictures taken at "TG O' Redfaced's Hunky Skunky Family Pigtrough."