Little Jessica Perkins uses her dad's rotting ballsack as a filthy pinata. I once had one of those drinks, the pinata colada when I was in the Vietnam war. We had just unloaded one of the supply trucks and we were sitting around and Eddie Festerman says "hey, let's see if one of those Jap Russian Viet Cong broads will put out" and then we went to this bar and they gave me a pinata colada and Eddie went upstairs with some Commie Viet Cong broad and then they both came back down 10 minutes later and ever since that day, Eddie walks bowlegged and he's got sores all over his goddamn arms. We called an artillery strike on that bar.

A giant green vagina attempts to spit out the retarded hellspawned mutant festering inside. One time I saw a bear climb out of the inside of a fucking tree, it was the craziest thing ever because I don't know how the fuck a goddamn bear got inside a tree but I swear to God I saw it and NO, I WASNT DRINKING AT THE TIME. I had a few beers and shots of whiskey before, but I wasn't drinking at the time. Then the bear started eying my lawn furniture and I knew he was going to try and steal my shit and take it all back to Bear County or wherever so I wrestled him to the ground and hit him with a wooden block that has a key tied to it (I stole it from the local 7-11).

This dopey carpetheaded simp tried to overcharge me on a package of Lucky Strikes so I busted into his little cubical and shoved his head into the Leprechaun Dispenser until he was bleeding from the neck down. I know how much Lucky Strikes cost, they're a buck fifty and they've been that way since 1978 so don't ever try to rip me off because I can see through every scam out there buddy. I know how they get you in that Publishers Cleaning House Sweepstakes thing, you sign up and then they put that compass in your house and they are able to see what TV shows you're watching and they spy on you. Don't ever enter the Cleaning House, you'll fucking regret it and turn into a goddamn zombie or whatever.

The Lardmobile hauls a fresh batch of white trash down to hell. One time I fell into a pool but it was winter and they had the pool tarp on, so I was all twisted up inside the pool tarp and the temperature was like -200 degrees and it took me about 10 minutes to get out of that thing and all my clothes fell off because I think there was a sea hag underneath it and she tried to molest me. You fucking bitchfucks better learn to respect us vets or some day this country will be in trouble and we might not decide to show up and fly those jet tanks around to blow up the Russians! Think about that the next time you see me in Winter running away from a pool naked, you stupid saps.

I don't know what this is, but I found it in my gutter last week when I was trying to figure out where the hell that "bunk-ow bunk-ow" noise was coming from. I thought another cat had escaped from my Correctional Closet and somehow got on the roof and was stuck there and trying to escape by hammering his way out, but there was no cat up there. AND my hammer is still missing, so I don't know what the hell to make of this whole thing. If you've seen my hammer send me a computer message and I'll come over and pick it up and maybe use the pointy end of it to pry your eyes out like they tried to do to me during the European War.

This is illegal.