Radishfaced Paul Denning got a little embarrassed when I broke into his office and saw that he was looking at Inter-web mule porn. His face was even more red a few minutes later, but it didn't have anything to do with embarrassment. I also stole his fancy lad chair and I was gonna take it home, but I got sick of carrying it around so I lit it on fire and threw it down the stairs. The cops brought me in for questioning, but I said I was at home at the time of Paul's dismemberment and then I threw their Police desk through a window and climbed out and jumped 8 stories down and escaped. The cops don't bother me no more because I'm a goddamn vet and also I have a few live mortar rounds in my house.

The Trio of Terror makes goofy faces inside one of those "instant photo" booths on the pier. I pushed the fucking thing over and watched it slide into the lake. Also I hate funnel cakes!!!

Officer Cueball demonstrates why the cops in Appleton City never solve any goddamn crimes except cases of missing gerbils.

Michael Billingsly takes a short nap after I ram my fists into his sunken ribcage. I started looking around his house for shit to eat, because offing morons makes me work up a nasty hunger, but all I could find was this ungodly potato salad which tasted like chalk and earwax and millipedes. I threw a few gobs of it at him and left to go try to steal an airplane at the airport (I didn't get one).

The JC Penney here sells exclusive "West Appleton Shitbags." I wouldn't recommend getting one though, cause they smell horrible and there's no goddamn way to get that stench out of them, even if you douse them in bleach for 40 hours straight.

Henry Davis's hardhat protects him from the first volley of beatings with my crobar, but he had to learn the hard way that it don't do jack shit against 40 caliber slugs. Better luck next time, Captain Crackcorpse.