Something Awful: The Internet Makes You Stupid

: Chris "Thirty Chins" Christopherson gets spooked when creatures of the opposite sex approach near. Now if we could only determine exactly what sex that would be, we'd really have something going here.

: I wasn't planning on putting this photo into my computer screen, but my brother said if I didn't then he punch in my face with a brick inside an oven mitt and although he can't do shit, I owed him a favor for the time he let me hide in his hamper when the cops were hunting me down for a crime I probably didn't commit. This is my brother Enoch Yablonski, who was fortunate enough to escape this hellhole town. He lives in Balkiton City and as you can tell, he doesn't know shit about taking care of his goddamn lawn. I should go over there sometime and clean out his throat with a handful of gravel and glass shards glued to a tree branch.

: Ham Patrol keeps a close eye on the prize and her other eye on the first, in case it fucks up and she is forced to eat it.

Enoch Yablonski: Hey, I left the goddamn VFW on my own will, I got sick of breaking pool cues over my knee so I decided voluntarily to throw up and fall down into the Bingo table. Then I got bored and left because I felt like it, you goddamn good for nothing rotting puke enema.

: I was cleaning out my attic last winter and found this thing rotting up there with a shitload of Playboy magazines from 1975. Broads were hot back then, not like these days, back in '75 they had this puffy hair thing and big hips and let me tell you, you ain't never had sex until you get laid by a chick with puffy hair and hips. These days all the skanky broads on TV are skinny as Enoch's dick and advertise Pepsi, who the fuck drinks Pepsi? I tried drinking Pepsi seven years ago and it tasted like shit so I went back to the grocery store and demanded my money back and kept demanding it until I finally got fed up with it and ripped the cash register out of the wall and ran out. The cops in the parking lot were using some new kind of pepper spray that day, one I hadn't smelled before.

I HATE YOU PAGE 222