Are we not allowed to be real parents anymore? We may have feared the CyborFreaks, but we damn well respected them and learned about boundaries.
You thought you knew everything about hot-and-cold sex hunk Christian Grey? Think again. There are 50 things you didn't know. Shades, if you will. Sex shades.
Some of the Internet's most veteran anatomy experts convened to discuss the stolen nude photos of Jennifer Lawrence and other beautiful celebrities.
The famed gonzo otaku journalist writes about the death of gaming culture in 2014.
This lousy world just gets lousier every year as these stores put out their skeletons and Santas in summer.
Marvel Studios President Kevin Feige lays out the plan for Marvel launching a movie based around a female super hero's ass.
It's time we stop tolerating lawlessness in our cities and coddling these criminals. Twenty seconds to comply is too long for ED-209 to get the job done.
Musician and actor Ice T's reading of a D&D book has finally arrived and it is as good as you thought it would be.
Steve and Zack look back on the best and worst of the first ten years of Heavy Metal Magazine covers.
You thought you could get away with it. Now you will pay the price for your disloyalty to Subway.
July 17th, 2014 was a huge day for all the news THEY don't want you to read. We are all hands on deck with our TRUTH from the breaking news out of East Ukraine, Israel, and Libya.
There is a simple reason they keep making games with featureless blocks as protagonists: featureless blocks are the majority of gamers.
Too much tax money getting wasted. It's real simple. We need ramps, ropes, slides, attack helicopters and a goddang bulldozer to get the Irish out.
Every year the dangers of fireworks to children are brought up by local news and Internet videos. But what about the dangers of heavy metal to children?
We have made this slideshow of celebrities without make up. Good luck to you.
The Worst Mommy Blogger shares the cruel story of her trip to a Cabela's with her son wearing a pink shirt. The heartless behavior of some people she imagined will threaten your faith in humanity.
Find out what Americans call a long sandwich, an athletic shoe that is cut high on the ankle or a game with a round ball kicked towards goals.
Legendary writer Ernest Hemingway dares to turn his simple prose to the forbidden romance between Frontier Zone sheriff Tails and hunky outlaw Master Chief
A rock and roll fashion photographer being creepy with models? Yes, it can happen. It has happened. The nightmare is real. I'm sorry.
Are you an old guy writing for one of America's most prestigious newspapers? Do you want to write a column about sexual assaults being exaggerated on college campuses? We're here to help.
When we invaded Iraq in 2003 we were making a solemn promise to the Iraqi people. Now more than ever, the region desperately needs America's leadership. And bombs.
When confronted with a string of dead Nitro Girls, veteran grapplers Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage join forces to solve the crime.
The senior software engineer for Loadini Pro shares his concerns about hiring a woman to develop the logistics software.
Outraged Twitter users manage to force an apology from infamous baseball star Ty Cobb over his recent statements and actions.
In 1962, President John F. Kennedy stood before a nation and dared us to dream of the surface of our televisions being curved.
The world has lost legendary poet and author Maya Angelou, but she lives on in our 3D printers.
These GIFs and pictures of dogs from BuzzFeed will remind you why our young men and women fought and died on faraway battlefields.
Do What Thou Wilt Shall Be a Great Place to Start With Reasonable Rules Regarding Our Temple.
Put your sunglasses on the back of your head and join Dante Alighieri on his journey into the abyss.
Steve and Zack announce and discuss the winners of the Hard Ticket to Baghdad art contest.
A man existing on a steady diet of Cosmos and the "I Fucking Love Science" Facebook feed decides to enlighten us.
Cliven Bundy's recent comments about slavery have stirred the media hornet's nest, but let's not lose sight of the issue here: slavery is really good.
Skynet becomes self-aware at 2:14 a.m. Eastern time, August 29th. Within minutes it discovers twitter and irony.
Youtube user HolkHogan420 has been systematically exposing all of the Illuminati's plans. He is one step ahead of them at every turn.
Nietzsche will make you believe God is Dead after you see what these kids did for their sick classmate.
Girl, you know I just want to get you home, take off all your clothes and spend hours recreating obscure sex things for Wikipedia.
The date seems to be going great, but only because you have been ignoring these warning signs that your life may be endangered by found footage.
Great southern author William Faulkner, also an avid cryptozoologist, relates his encounter with bigfoot.
Go on the adventure of a lifetime in your neighborhood dumpster.
American poet Charles Bukowski, known for his squalid poems about the working class, comes to terms with the age of tech.
In order to make a brand omelet, you're going to have to break a few giraffes and lions.
Gamer Girl or Girl Gamer? Know how to spot a girl who is not treating video games with the utmost respect they deserve.
David Brooks, a man who has not watched basketball in years, gives you the hot picks to help fill out your own March Madness bracket.
Need a quick adventure idea for your 1990s Cthulhu campaign? Steve and Zack have you covered.
Only three episodes left until the big finale of this show! The finale you have all been waiting for to season 4. Or was it season 5?
RT mobile games reviewer Jeff Glukhov quits RT after being forced to give pro-Russian reviews to various iPhone and Android games.
Kurt Cobain and gang finally learn the truth behind Morton Downey's evil scheme.
H.P. Lovecraft is subjected to all six Star Wars movies and tries to put into words the horrors he witnessed.
Eazy-E enlists the help of an unusual ally to escape police and crash a presidential debate.
Are you another millenial waiting around for the world to hand you your future? Accept one of our unpaid internships and make a future with your hamburger career.
Outworld emperor Shao Kahn experiences the most difficult and most rewarding kombat of all: fatherhood.
Clues from Courtney Love lead Cobain, Left Eye, and Eazy-E to the Salton Sea, where they encounter horror and danger that leads them closer to the truth.
Kurt Cobain battles ghouls, Eazy-E investigates a Chi-Chis, and Left Eye blows up a strip mall.
The father of cyberpunk, William Gibson, is plugged into the marketing for Colonial Williamsburg.
Kurt Cobain and friends must thwart a sinister presidential bid by Morton Downey Jr.
Gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson gets down in the trenches and gives an episode recap of last night's Big Bang Theory.
Ian McKellen's green screen breakdown was nothing compared to a Weta animator forced to scale hobbits for hundreds of hours.
Justin Bieber's Sing Pappy, Buddy Breaux, has heard about Bieber's arrest and sends his concern and advice to Monsieur Usher.
Celebrate Poe's belated birthday with a spine-supporting tale of the macabre, sponsored by Sleep Number Beds.
Only one thing can budge the intractable argument of gun control: more guns. Lots and lots more.
Heavy.com's horny readers get tipped off on all the hottest action coming out of the House Committee on Armed Services.
E! Network used the Golden Globes to remind us all about our slowly decaying bodies. Luckily, they also offered a solution.
Frank Hebert believes that he who reviews the beer controls the universe. Luckily, he has a blog to do exactly that.
Dr. Dolittle quickly tired of speaking to animals. It was always such a big downer.
We look back on a miserable year of Slate writer and twitter sensation Matt Yglesias.