We're taking a peek at 2009, when a new president takes office and is forced to weather the storm of his or her press conferences. This sort of detail is overlooked by the pundits, but with a heaping helping of conjecture we're giving you the scoop on how the candidates might perform.
Can super-science really kill us all when TiVo has recorded 19 episodes of Toolbelt Diva for your suggestions? Answers to this and other pressing questions as Zack takes a look at the likelihood of a technological singularity doomsday scenario.
For over 17 years Fushitsu Adhesive Amusements Concern of Hokkaido, Japan has been bringing America the finest in adhesive entertainment. Recent years have been rough for Fushitsu, but their acting CEO has a bold new idea to save the company from financial insolvency. Prepare to meet the future of automotive decals.
It was Nietzsche that said, "That which does not kill you makes you stronger," but what if the thing that's supposed to make you stronger ends up killing you? Then it will probably make an appearance on our list of the 10 Most Awful Cures. Snake oil, quackery, scams, and medical madness all have a place on our list.
Looking for a date, but don't want to actually date? Bronson Custard's Exotic Escort Reviews will give you all of the tools you need to find the one night stand of your dreams. Bronson selects only the finest escorts and then lets you, the client, control her reviews.
You've waited and wondered, but at long last the time has come for Something Awful to endorse a candidate for President of the United States of America. We put our official seal of approval on one of the candidates competing for the democratic or republican nomination. Find out who we have selected!
The email inbox of Justice Legion HR rep and Amazonian Queen Diana is regularly overflowing with emails from her fellow heroes and heroines. Take a journey to the secret workings of the Justice Legion inbox and learn just what happens when you pick on a hero one too many times.
The pegasi danced above the battlefield, like white birds or angels or pegasi. My father was up there on that day, but you get to experience the living hell of the mission briefing for Operation Glorious Pegasus. It comes with everything but the noose.
Since 1997 the Institute of Applied Creation Science has brought the world technological and scientific advancements based on the founding principals of creation science. We lead the world in faith-based bridge building, advanced Christian aerospace engineering, and Biblical metallurgy.
It's amazing! Every single restaurant chain's website includes a link for you to email their corporate offices with your comments and criticism. I took advantage of these links and sent five complaints about unsatisfactory dining experiences to five of the world's biggest restaurant chains.
New US attorney general Michael Mukasey was confirmed by the Senate on Thursday, but he seems to be struggling with what constitutes torture in the eyes of the law. This open letter to Mukasey offers helpful insights on the reality of torture and what to do when a terrorist confesses to hunting the Queen's unicorns.
FEMA has been making headlines recently for its fake news conference, but what sort of tricks might FEMA be up to five years from now? Thanks to Google's new Google Future service we can all learn how FEMA and other American institutions will respond when faced with a series of terrible natural disasters. I'm sure they'll do a great job!
Something Awful and The Smoking Gun have joined forces to present the hospitality rider from death metal sensation Cranial Impalement's 2004 European tour. Learn what these malevolent metal machines are demanding from their venues. They bid you bring them everything from hot dog buns to a forklift. Nothing escapes their wanton bloodiness.
Imagine a magazine created for readers so rich that the cover price is listed in pure gold. Now imagine people ten times that rich. Only the extremes of excess and depravity can elicit a response. Epicurean Dilettante is all too happy to help find those extremes.
Darth Vader's physical therapist relates his life experiences at the side of one of the moodiest bosses in the known galaxy. Coaxing Lord Vader into a therapeutic pool or convincing him to make the switch to a raw food diet can be dangerous for a hardworking therapist's health.
The new reality show Kid Nation allows 40 children under the age of 16 to create their own society without adult supervision. Will they create a utopia better than adults or will they drink bleach and rule one another through fear? Find out what happens in these carefully-researched spoilers.
Find out how someone with no sense of adventure lives their life and works aboard a Firefly class, in this gripping tail of a blue-collar space western.
Thirteen weeks have been blessed with the honeyed kiss of the Great American Reach Around, but this is the last hurrah. Find out all you ever wanted to know about Arizona, plus a whole lot more. Read up on Croatia, Spain, Italy, Denmark, and more! We're overflowing with international friendship and fat jokes about Americans.
Jesus-killers, islamofascists, and vampires beware! Within this article you will find the greatest collection of Christian iconography known to man or beast. Your skin will crack and turn red, your blood will boil, and steam will roll from your body as you endure the Crucifun!
Horrible Oblivion mods from Japan.
Google Future gives us a glimpse of tomorrow as it may be up to 75 years into a possible future. It comes complete with News+, a fully-searchable database of news and headlines. This time around we use it to look forward to 2011 and the Ron Paul Presidency.
Alaska, Colorado, Russia, and Switzerland. What do these three things have in common? Well, first of all, there are four of them there you fucking moron. Second, they're all featured in this week's installment of the Great American Reach Around! Huzzah!
An assortment of filthy and strange Oblivion mods, including Michael Jackson, prostitution, and huge deformed boobs.
A case study of a victim of Asperger's Syndrome designed to promote a better understanding of this new and terrible illness sweeping the Internet. Get out your stethoscopes, because once you're done reading this article it might just be time for a self-diagnosis.
A journey into the seedy and stupid world of Oblivion mods.
California and South Africa await a visit from the Great American Reach Around. Dare you thrust betwixt these two lands of intrigue? You dare!
Cobra, GI Joe, and Red October are all hunting for the Great Seal of Alaska in the frozen north. What does a lost city of Cossacks and a 150 year old steam ship have to do with it? You'll have to read the article to find out, but it's a safe bet that it's really stupid!
Cobra attempts to take over Alaska using a legal loophole and a gem-encrusted cup. Can Tomax and Xamot pull off their nefarious scheme, or will the Joes deftly thwart them? How about neither.
Week ten of the Great American Reach Around takes us to Texas and Mexico.
Fighting the Great Satan ain't what it used to be. Find out what went wrong with terrorism and why.
Fur mogul A.P. Brown responds to his critics and reacts to the needs of his respected customers.
A rambling and nearly pointless review of "The Devil's Dictionary" by Ambrose Bierce. Featuring cameos by P.J. O'Rourke, Thomas Friedman, Dennis Miller, and various other public figures aching to be submerged in molten lead.
Week nine of the Great American Reach Around finishes out the South with Miami, Florida and New Orleans, Louisiana, then heads across the Atlantic to our old friends in Germany to check out Darmstadt and Mayen.
Deep inside week eight of the GARA takes us to the Deep South and Scandinavia.
GARA week 7 takes us to Appalachia and Japan.
Dig in deep to the Anonymous Atheist Complaint Box and discover what is troubling America's many dozens of atheists.
GARA week 6: Baltimore, Wilmington, Washington, plus Australia and New Zealand
Christians from all over America leave messages in the Anonymous Christian Complaint Box.
The Great American Reach Around Continues with a visit to New England and Canada!
Chef Groot Moredo takes us on a tour of the dark side of the Rebel Alliance's food services.
Week four of GARA and part two of our look at the Northeast United States brings us to New York and the two Irelands.
The Creation Science Academy for Kids Presents a look at some of the most amazing creations on this planet.
From Raiden to the Highlander, Christopher Lambert has played some of film's most iconic B-movie characters. Now, at long last, you can experience the sweet agony of being notified that he is breaking up with you. And here you were thinking you had so much in common!
Every episode of the Sopranos is about Tony breathing heavy while he rolls a fork around in pasta.
The GARA finishes up our look at the Midwest and heads to Greece and Turkey.
Too Much Information looks at the 59 reasons given by the MPAA for Bad Lieutenant's NC-17 rating
The first installment of the Great American Reach Around takes us to the Midwest and France!
Two guards at an advanced biotech lab come to a startling conclusion about their employer.
The New Media revolution is changing the way we get our news, the way we communicate, the way we learn, and the way we make boring fools out of ourselves. New Media Hell transports you on a wild ride through the stinking corridors of our downfall.
Tennessee Titans cornerback Adam "Pacman" Jones has been accused of spitting on women, punching them in the head and having people shot. Jones boldly refutes the claims of the authorities and witnesses in this exciting article. Prepare to have the scales lifted from your eye holes.
Dom DeLuise as a talking and flying magical skateboard. Read that sentence again. Now try to picture Timothy Busfield impersonating an ape in a clown wig and an evil gang of teenage skateboarders that hang out in the middle of the desert. Welcome to the Skateboard Kid!
Russian women have cornered the market on bridal retailing for too long. It’s time for red-blooded American men to rise up and topple this communist vagina monopoly and bring fairness back to the marketplace. I have organized the first ever American Mail Order Husband catalog to tackle this trade deficit with the East.
Part two of the many unseen deaths of Jet Li.
Part one of a chronicle of the unseen deaths of Jet Li.
The PNAC Newsletter provides frequently updated information about cryptozoology.
A six million year old guide to a caveman's business convention was recently discovered within a fossilized briefcase.